Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014





Jerks of the Week: Jan. 6, 2014


JERK OF THE WEEK: Christmas Shopping 2013

You may have noticed that I didn't include any jerks I may have encountered at the mall during my Christmas shopping adventures in last week's Twelve Jerks of Christmas entry. I absolutely found some jerks at the mall worth writing about, and I didn't forget about them; I just felt as though they deserved their own separate entry.

I always do my shopping at Neshaminy Mall. It's not the most glamorous mall in the world, but it gets the job done and happens to be right around the corner from my house. Plus, it's one of the best places in the world to bump into the weirdest people alive. For instance, the last time I went there, a black midget wanted to fight me because he thought I was looking at his girlfriend when a chick with a prosthetic leg caught my attention. And last Christmas certainly was an adventure, as I observed a grown man punching a child at Barnes & Noble. I don't think anything will ever top that.

On my drive over to Neshaminy Mall this year, I prayed that I'd witness more adults punching children. Not that I'm into child abuse or anything, but I feel it's fine if I get writing material out of it. Besides, these kids are self-entitled and snobbish, so they need to be taught a lesson. And there's no better lesson than a right hook to the jaw in a bookstore.

No one was arrested during this year's Christmas shopping trip, unfortunately. It was terribly upsetting, but never fear - I found plenty of jerks to write about in this year's Christmas shopping entry.


1. Mall Brats

There was no way in hell I was going to the mall on a weekend in December, so I opted to make my trip on a Thursday afternoon. The date happened to be the 19th, so I figured I'd be safe because most kids would be in school.

Oh, how na�ve I was. The mall was flooded with children. They should've been in school, yet their mothers found a way to bring them along for their shopping ventures. As if I didn't have enough stress worrying about what to purchase for people, now I had to avoid these disease-carrying little a**holes.

I wasn't the only one upset about this. I stepped into the Boscov's and walked by two women - one around 75 and the other about 30 years younger - moving slowly through the aisles. I heard the old lady say, "Why ish there sho many childrensh at the mall todaysh?" Almost on cue, these two kids ran by and nearly toppled over the old lady.

See what I mean? Where's that child-punching douche bag when we need him? I feel like there should be a grown man stationed at every store ready to unleash his fists of fury against misbehaving kids. That'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget.





2. Fattie Ride

I mentioned that the last time a black person said anything to me at the mall, a midget shouted, "Whateva man, you bess not be lookin' at my girl no more!" The complete opposite happened on this afternoon.

You know those giant coin-op kiddie rides they have in malls where parents let their children ride them by inserting some quarters? Well, despite there being tons of kids at the mall, the only person I saw inside one of these rides happened to be a fat black chick. She was pretty enormous, so I have no idea what she was thinking when she tried to fit inside one of those rides.

Apparently, she had some regrets about this. As I approached one of the kiddie rides (this particular one was a plane), all I could hear was, "I STUCK YO, I CAN'T GET OUTTA DIS VEHICLE!"

The sight was quite amusing. She was wedged in the plane and was pushing hard against the sides to nudge herself out. Unfortunately for her, this was all futile because she was just too large. It made me wonder how she got in there in the first place. It reminded me of one of those ships in a bottle, only she wasn't skinny upon entry. It's not like she was thin and then just gained 200 pounds by eating Cheetos, Doritos and Oreos.

The desperate fat chick in the kiddie ride - I've decided to call her Fattie Ride - spied me and asked for help: "I STICK IN DIS VEHICLE, CAN YOU PULL ME OUTTA DIS!?" she shouted. I hesitated for a second and then just kept walking, pretending that I didn't hear her. This may make me seem like a dick, but keep two things in mind:

1. What if Fattie Ride was stuck in there for hours and happened to grow even hungrier than usual? She might have seen me as dinner. And speaking of that, perhaps this was all a ruse. Maybe this is how she lures in unsuspecting prey.

2. I would've needed butter or something of that nature to grease her out of the kiddie ride, so a whiff of butter may have made her go berserk. Much like Pac-Man after eating a power pellet, Fattie Ride would devour everything in her path, including ghosts, smaller pellets and yours truly.


3. Santa's Eaters

Disappointed that I hadn't seen any children punched yet, I decided to make my way toward Santa. I hoped that I'd see some enraged adult whack some whiny, crying kid. Plus, it's never a bad idea to check out Santa's helpers.

I was disappointed on both counts. Despite the alarming number of children at the mall, there were only two kids in line to see Santa, so it was highly unlikely that anyone would be arrested. Second, Santa's helpers were major disappointments.

There were four girls there "helping" Santa, who actually looked a bit intoxicated. This would've amused me if I wasn't distraught by the fact that all of Santa's helpers were big. They weren't as monstrous as Fattie Ride, but they were still quite unpleasant to look at.

One of these Santa's helpers was even munching on a cookie, which got me thinking, why would Santa ever have fat helpers? Wouldn't he be concerned that they'd steal the cookies that children leave out for him? Besides, Mrs. Claus is an old woman, so Santa needs some young hotties to stare at. Sure, there's always the potential of a sexual harassment charge after he slaps some a**es and motorboats some cleavage, but who's going to sue Santa? No lawyer would even take that case; no one in the legal field is dumb enough to risk getting coal on Christmas morning.


4. Fat Man

There were numerous fat people at the mall on this particular day. One was an obese man in his 60s who had his giant stomach sticking out of the bottom of his gray t-shirt. He looked like he was 15 months pregnant. It was actually quite disturbing.

I readied my phone to take a picture of this abomination, but he looked over at me just as I was aiming the phone toward him. I played it off as though I was texting someone, so I regret not being able to get a picture.

Why didn't I snap a photo anyway, you ask? Umm... did you not read about my trepidation regarding Fattie Ride? The same would apply with this guy. I even think it's safe to assume that he devoured one of the children running around the mall. If so, he's a hero in my book.







5. Victoria's Secret Adventures

I don't often go into Victoria's Secret. Actually, I had never been in there by myself before this afternoon. I don't know, it just seems pervy for a dude to walk around in there on his own. It is Victoria's Secret, after all, so I've always viewed that store contained some sort of inside information only women know about. It's like with us guys - we have our own discrete "Bro Code" that only we know about. Women have their Victoria's Secret. It's just how the world works.

I stepped inside because I wanted to buy a hoodie for Anti-Facebook Girl . As I was looking for the right size, a middle-aged female employee approached me.

VS Employee: Can I help you find anything, sir?

Me: I'M NOT LOOKING FOR LINGERIE! JUST BUYING A HOODIE!

VS Employee: Any particular hoodie you're looking for?

Me: I SWEAR I'M NOT LOOKING AT THE BRAS AND PANTIES, I'M JUST BUYING A HOODIE!

VS Employee: Are you OK, sir?

Me: I'M NOT TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT VICTORIA'S SECRET IS! JUST LOOKING FOR A HOODIE!

The woman shook her head and just walked away. Phew, I dodged a bullet there.

I found the hoodie I wanted, but it took me about five minutes to locate the cashier. I swear, Victoria's Secret is like a maze. It seemed like I was wandering in circles because everything looked the same. Perhaps I was mesmerized by all of the lingerie, but I'll blame Victoria's Secret for constructing such a ridiculous labyrinthine store.

I eventually found my way to the cashier. There were three people in line at the moment: a plain middle-aged woman, a shady-looking mustached man wearing an Oakland Raiders' jacket and short Mexican woman. The latter, who was right in front of me, stepped aside because she apparently noticed something else that she wanted, so I naturally moved up. The Mexican woman returned a minute later and gave me a dirty look.

Mexican Woman: I was standing here in line behind this man!

Me: Yeah, I know, but you stepped away.

Mexican Woman: I remembered I needed to get this perfume, but you still cut in line!

Me: I didn't cut in line! You stepped out of line!

I actually would've allowed her back in line if she would've asked and explained herself nicely, but because she was being a self-entitled b***h, I wasn't going to budge.

Mexican Woman: This is still my spot!

Me: It's not your spot if you step out of line! You relinquished your spot in line when you left to buy something else!

Mexican Woman: I'm going to complain!

I didn't think she was serious, but Mexican Woman returned with the aforementioned middle-aged female employee.

VS Employee: What seems to be the problem here?

Me: She stepped out of line, and I just moved up. I didn't think I did anything wrong.

Mexican Woman: This was my spot and he stole it!

VS Employee: Sir, she claims you stole her spot.

Me: How was it her spot? She left the line.

VS Employee: I'm afraid it looks like you've stolen her spot, sir.

I lost it.

Me: HER spot? You can just reserve spots in line. Otherwise, there would be chaos! What's to stop someone from immediately walking into a store, claiming a spot in line and then picking up everything they need before moving back to the spot they reserved in that line? Do you know how ridiculous that is?

VS Employee: Sir, that's different. She was only getting one item.

Me: How is that different? And what's the cap on these items you can get? What if she stepped away and got two items? What about three? At what point is she not allowed to return to her old spot?

VS Employee: Sir, please stop being difficult. Let this woman get back into her spot.

I was about to toss the hoodie at this woman's face when another registered opened up. Mexican Woman pounced at this opportunity, so I was ultimately stuck behind the man in the Oakland Raiders' jacket. So much for her precious spot.

This guy, by the way, stayed silent the whole time. He had shifty eyes, so he looked like he was up to no good. He did, however, smell like fried chicken, and I was extremely hungry at the time. He actually smelled so good that I stared into space - and when I finally snapped out of it, I realized I was looking right in the direction of one of the Victoria's Secret employee's cleavage. I glanced up quickly, hoping she hadn't caught me, but she gave me an evil stare. Mexican Woman, also aware of this, chimed in with a "Mhm..."

I have a feeling I'll never be allowed back in that Victoria's Secret ever again. I suppose I'll live my life never knowing exactly what that secret is.


6. Cool Teenagers

I had one more stop: Barnes & Noble. On my way there, I passed by these three skateboarder-looking teenagers. I overheard what one of them suggested to the other:

"Let's throw spaghetti on the ground!"

Is that what kids do nowadays? I heard of the Knockout game where a bunch of losers who think they are cool beat up unsuspecting victims. Is there a Spaghettiout where teens toss spaghetti on the ground? Is this what all of the cool kids do nowadays?

Man, when I was growing up, things were much simpler. We played basketball and football. We lifted weights. We played video games. There was no Knockout or Spaghettiout. It seems incredibly complicated to be a teen right now.


7. Children's Hospital

I grabbed a book and a gift certificate at Barnes & Noble, and I approached the register. There were four people in line, but only one who mattered: Fattie Ride!

I tried to remain quiet so she wouldn't notice me, but Fattie Ride must have caught my scent because she turned around and gave me an evil look upon seeing me. I tried to explain myself.

Me: I'm... I'm sorry...

Fattie Ride: I WAS STUCK IN DA VEHICLE AND YOU JUST PAST ME BY!

Me: I... uhh... I... no butter... I... sorry...

Fattie Ride: NEXT TIME WHEN YOU STUCK IN DA VEHICLE KARMA GON' STRIKE YA DOWN AND SOMEBODY GON' PAST YOU BY!

I wanted to ask Fattie Ride how she managed to nudge herself out, but she would have eaten me for sure.

At any rate, the cashier, a white-haired old man with glasses and a mustache asked everyone in front of me if they wanted to donate to the local children's hospital. However, after my purchase was complete, he didn't ask me if I wanted to contribute.

Cashier: Thank you. Next in line, please.

Me: Aren't you going to ask...

Cashier: Next in line, please!

Wow. I'm going to assume that Fattie Ride said something to him while I wasn't paying attention because there's no reason he should've acted like a dick to me.

Whatever, it's his loss because I probably would've donated to the children's hospital. I definitely would've strongly considered it. If I'm all for adults punching kids at the mall, it would only make sense for there to be more children's hospitals.




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Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
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Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
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Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 19


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5



 





 

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