You may have noticed that I didn't include any jerks I may have encountered at the mall during my Christmas shopping adventures in last week's Twelve Jerks of Christmas entry. I absolutely found some jerks at the mall worth writing about, and I didn't forget about them; I just felt as though they deserved their own separate entry.
I always do my shopping at Neshaminy Mall. It's not the most glamorous mall in the world, but it gets the job done and happens to be right around the corner from my house. Plus, it's one of the best places in the world to bump into the weirdest people alive. For instance, the last time I went there, a black midget wanted to fight me because he thought I was looking at his girlfriend when a chick with a prosthetic leg caught my attention. And last Christmas certainly was an adventure, as I observed a grown man punching a child at Barnes & Noble. I don't think anything will ever top that.
On my drive over to Neshaminy Mall this year, I prayed that I'd witness more adults punching children. Not that I'm into child abuse or anything, but I feel it's fine if I get writing material out of it. Besides, these kids are self-entitled and snobbish, so they need to be taught a lesson. And there's no better lesson than a right hook to the jaw in a bookstore.
No one was arrested during this year's Christmas shopping trip, unfortunately. It was terribly upsetting, but never fear - I found plenty of jerks to write about in this year's Christmas shopping entry.
1. Mall Brats
There was no way in hell I was going to the mall on a weekend in December, so I opted to make my trip on a Thursday afternoon. The date happened to be the 19th, so I figured I'd be safe because most kids would be in school.
Oh, how na?ve I was. The mall was flooded with children. They should've been in school, yet their mothers found a way to bring them along for their shopping ventures. As if I didn't have enough stress worrying about what to purchase for people, now I had to avoid these disease-carrying little a**holes.
I wasn't the only one upset about this. I stepped into the Boscov's and walked by two women - one around 75 and the other about 30 years younger - moving slowly through the aisles. I heard the old lady say, "Why ish there sho many childrensh at the mall todaysh?" Almost on cue, these two kids ran by and nearly toppled over the old lady.
See what I mean? Where's that child-punching douche bag when we need him? I feel like there should be a grown man stationed at every store ready to unleash his fists of fury against misbehaving kids. That'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget.
2. Fattie Ride
I mentioned that the last time a black person said anything to me at the mall, a midget shouted, "Whateva man, you bess not be lookin' at my girl no more!" The complete opposite happened on this afternoon.
You know those giant coin-op kiddie rides they have in malls where parents let their children ride them by inserting some quarters? Well, despite there being tons of kids at the mall, the only person I saw inside one of these rides happened to be a fat black chick. She was pretty enormous, so I have no idea what she was thinking when she tried to fit inside one of those rides.
Apparently, she had some regrets about this. As I approached one of the kiddie rides (this particular one was a plane), all I could hear was, "I STUCK YO, I CAN'T GET OUTTA DIS VEHICLE!"
The sight was quite amusing. She was wedged in the plane and was pushing hard against the sides to nudge herself out. Unfortunately for her, this was all futile because she was just too large. It made me wonder how she got in there in the first place. It reminded me of one of those ships in a bottle, only she wasn't skinny upon entry. It's not like she was thin and then just gained 200 pounds by eating Cheetos, Doritos and Oreos.
The desperate fat chick in the kiddie ride - I've decided to call her Fattie Ride - spied me and asked for help: "I STICK IN DIS VEHICLE, CAN YOU PULL ME OUTTA DIS!?" she shouted. I hesitated for a second and then just kept walking, pretending that I didn't hear her. This may make me seem like a dick, but keep two things in mind:
1. What if Fattie Ride was stuck in there for hours and happened to grow even hungrier than usual? She might have seen me as dinner. And speaking of that, perhaps this was all a ruse. Maybe this is how she lures in unsuspecting prey.
2. I would've needed butter or something of that nature to grease her out of the kiddie ride, so a whiff of butter may have made her go berserk. Much like Pac-Man after eating a power pellet, Fattie Ride would devour everything in her path, including ghosts, smaller pellets and yours truly.
3. Santa's Eaters
Disappointed that I hadn't seen any children punched yet, I decided to make my way toward Santa. I hoped that I'd see some enraged adult whack some whiny, crying kid. Plus, it's never a bad idea to check out Santa's helpers.
I was disappointed on both counts. Despite the alarming number of children at the mall, there were only two kids in line to see Santa, so it was highly unlikely that anyone would be arrested. Second, Santa's helpers were major disappointments.
There were four girls there "helping" Santa, who actually looked a bit intoxicated. This would've amused me if I wasn't distraught by the fact that all of Santa's helpers were big. They weren't as monstrous as Fattie Ride, but they were still quite unpleasant to look at.
One of these Santa's helpers was even munching on a cookie, which got me thinking, why would Santa ever have fat helpers? Wouldn't he be concerned that they'd steal the cookies that children leave out for him? Besides, Mrs. Claus is an old woman, so Santa needs some young hotties to stare at. Sure, there's always the potential of a sexual harassment charge after he slaps some a**es and motorboats some cleavage, but who's going to sue Santa? No lawyer would even take that case; no one in the legal field is dumb enough to risk getting coal on Christmas morning.
4. Fat Man
There were numerous fat people at the mall on this particular day. One was an obese man in his 60s who had his giant stomach sticking out of the bottom of his gray t-shirt. He looked like he was 15 months pregnant. It was actually quite disturbing.
I readied my phone to take a picture of this abomination, but he looked over at me just as I was aiming the phone toward him. I played it off as though I was texting someone, so I regret not being able to get a picture.
Why didn't I snap a photo anyway, you ask? Umm... did you not read about my trepidation regarding Fattie Ride? The same would apply with this guy. I even think it's safe to assume that he devoured one of the children running around the mall. If so, he's a hero in my book.
5. Victoria's Secret Adventures
I don't often go into Victoria's Secret. Actually, I had never been in there by myself before this afternoon. I don't know, it just seems pervy for a dude to walk around in there on his own. It is Victoria's Secret, after all, so I've always viewed that store contained some sort of inside information only women know about. It's like with us guys - we have our own discrete "Bro Code" that only we know about. Women have their Victoria's Secret. It's just how the world works.
I stepped inside because I wanted to buy a hoodie for Anti-Facebook Girl . As I was looking for the right size, a middle-aged female employee approached me.
VS Employee: Can I help you find anything, sir?
Me: I'M NOT LOOKING FOR LINGERIE! JUST BUYING A HOODIE!
VS Employee: Any particular hoodie you're looking for?
Me: I SWEAR I'M NOT LOOKING AT THE BRAS AND PANTIES, I'M JUST BUYING A HOODIE!
VS Employee: Are you OK, sir?
Me: I'M NOT TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT VICTORIA'S SECRET IS! JUST LOOKING FOR A HOODIE!
The woman shook her head and just walked away. Phew, I dodged a bullet there.
I found the hoodie I wanted, but it took me about five minutes to locate the cashier. I swear, Victoria's Secret is like a maze. It seemed like I was wandering in circles because everything looked the same. Perhaps I was mesmerized by all of the lingerie, but I'll blame Victoria's Secret for constructing such a ridiculous labyrinthine store.
I eventually found my way to the cashier. There were three people in line at the moment: a plain middle-aged woman, a shady-looking mustached man wearing an Oakland Raiders' jacket and short Mexican woman. The latter, who was right in front of me, stepped aside because she apparently noticed something else that she wanted, so I naturally moved up. The Mexican woman returned a minute later and gave me a dirty look.
Mexican Woman: I was standing here in line behind this man!
Me: Yeah, I know, but you stepped away.
Mexican Woman: I remembered I needed to get this perfume, but you still cut in line!
Me: I didn't cut in line! You stepped out of line!
I actually would've allowed her back in line if she would've asked and explained herself nicely, but because she was being a self-entitled b***h, I wasn't going to budge.
Mexican Woman: This is still my spot!
Me: It's not your spot if you step out of line! You relinquished your spot in line when you left to buy something else!
Mexican Woman: I'm going to complain!
I didn't think she was serious, but Mexican Woman returned with the aforementioned middle-aged female employee.
VS Employee: What seems to be the problem here?
Me: She stepped out of line, and I just moved up. I didn't think I did anything wrong.
Mexican Woman: This was my spot and he stole it!
VS Employee: Sir, she claims you stole her spot.
Me: How was it her spot? She left the line.
VS Employee: I'm afraid it looks like you've stolen her spot, sir.
I lost it.
Me: HER spot? You can just reserve spots in line. Otherwise, there would be chaos! What's to stop someone from immediately walking into a store, claiming a spot in line and then picking up everything they need before moving back to the spot they reserved in that line? Do you know how ridiculous that is?
VS Employee: Sir, that's different. She was only getting one item.
Me: How is that different? And what's the cap on these items you can get? What if she stepped away and got two items? What about three? At what point is she not allowed to return to her old spot?
VS Employee: Sir, please stop being difficult. Let this woman get back into her spot.
I was about to toss the hoodie at this woman's face when another registered opened up. Mexican Woman pounced at this opportunity, so I was ultimately stuck behind the man in the Oakland Raiders' jacket. So much for her precious spot.
This guy, by the way, stayed silent the whole time. He had shifty eyes, so he looked like he was up to no good. He did, however, smell like fried chicken, and I was extremely hungry at the time. He actually smelled so good that I stared into space - and when I finally snapped out of it, I realized I was looking right in the direction of one of the Victoria's Secret employee's cleavage. I glanced up quickly, hoping she hadn't caught me, but she gave me an evil stare. Mexican Woman, also aware of this, chimed in with a "Mhm..."
I have a feeling I'll never be allowed back in that Victoria's Secret ever again. I suppose I'll live my life never knowing exactly what that secret is.
6. Cool Teenagers
I had one more stop: Barnes & Noble. On my way there, I passed by these three skateboarder-looking teenagers. I overheard what one of them suggested to the other:
"Let's throw spaghetti on the ground!"
Is that what kids do nowadays? I heard of the Knockout game where a bunch of losers who think they are cool beat up unsuspecting victims. Is there a Spaghettiout where teens toss spaghetti on the ground? Is this what all of the cool kids do nowadays?
Man, when I was growing up, things were much simpler. We played basketball and football. We lifted weights. We played video games. There was no Knockout or Spaghettiout. It seems incredibly complicated to be a teen right now.
7. Children's Hospital
I grabbed a book and a gift certificate at Barnes & Noble, and I approached the register. There were four people in line, but only one who mattered: Fattie Ride!
I tried to remain quiet so she wouldn't notice me, but Fattie Ride must have caught my scent because she turned around and gave me an evil look upon seeing me. I tried to explain myself.
Me: I'm... I'm sorry...
Fattie Ride: I WAS STUCK IN DA VEHICLE AND YOU JUST PAST ME BY!
Me: I... uhh... I... no butter... I... sorry...
Fattie Ride: NEXT TIME WHEN YOU STUCK IN DA VEHICLE KARMA GON' STRIKE YA DOWN AND SOMEBODY GON' PAST YOU BY!
I wanted to ask Fattie Ride how she managed to nudge herself out, but she would have eaten me for sure.
At any rate, the cashier, a white-haired old man with glasses and a mustache asked everyone in front of me if they wanted to donate to the local children's hospital. However, after my purchase was complete, he didn't ask me if I wanted to contribute.
Cashier: Thank you. Next in line, please.
Me: Aren't you going to ask...
Cashier: Next in line, please!
Wow. I'm going to assume that Fattie Ride said something to him while I wasn't paying attention because there's no reason he should've acted like a dick to me.
Whatever, it's his loss because I probably would've donated to the children's hospital. I definitely would've strongly considered it. If I'm all for adults punching kids at the mall, it would only make sense for there to be more children's hospitals.