I was utterly shocked to realize that Jerks of the Week is nearly five years old. What started as a rant about how my date to a wedding ditched me for a barbeque transformed into a major section of my Web site. Most people visit for my mediocre football analysis, but I've been told by a handful of individuals, including my mom and my girlfriend, that they go to WalterFootball.com just to read Jerks of the Week.
I've made some themed entries over the years. For instance, I like to do something on Internet Idiots, as well as crappy TV ads, including those terrible Kay jewelry commercials. I also started something last year called "April Fools and April Truths" in which I wrote six short stories. Some of them actually happened, while others were complete fabrications. It was up to you to determine which ones were true, and I revealed this at the bottom of the article.
I enjoyed writing April Fools and April Truths, so I want to make it an annual entry. I did make one mistake last year though. I based the April Fools and April Truths on an old TV show called Fact or Fiction in which former Star Trek TNG actor Jonathan Frakes narrated five stories. Some were fact, while others were complete fiction. Perhaps the best part of the show was when Frakes would deliver some awful puns after each story. Go here to listen to the corniest ones.
I'm ashamed of myself that I didn't put a bad pun at the end of each story in last year's April Fools and April Truths entry, so it's my goal to do it this time. My puns will be so corny that some guy 20 years from now will refer to them on his Web site, which I'm sure will be packed with mediocre football analysis as well.
1. Train Ride:
I mentioned in last week's Jerks entry that my train ride home from downtown was eventful. This is because a chubby girl with fishnet stockings sat down next to me. She flipped open her laptop right away and began typing feverishly. I didn't think much of it right away, but she was smashing the keys so frantically that it eventually piqued my interest. What was she typing? I just had to find out.
I peered over, and it turns out that she was composing a screenplay. Was it any good? Well, let me give you an example from what I can remember:
Mary: I love you, John.
John: I love you, Mary, but I love someone else more.
Mary: Who, John? Who?
John: I love Kyle more, Mary. I have feelings for men, and I also have feelings for women, but my feelings for men are stronger than my feelings for women, Mary!
Mary: Oh, John! I know you can't control your feelings for men, but I wish your feelings for me would get stronger!
What the f*** was this? Was this screenplay some sort of joke? I couldn't help but laugh. Unfortunately, this made Fat Fishnet Girl realize that I was reading her work. She tiled the laptop away from my direction.
Fat Fishnet Girl: Why were you reading my screenplay!?
Me: I dunno, I was just bored and curious.
Fat Fishnet Girl: Well you're not allowed to read it - and for your information, it's not a comedy! It's a tragic love story!
Me: Oh, OK.
Fat Fishnet Girl: You better not steal it! If I see this movie come out before I sell it, I will hunt you down and sue you!
Before I could finish, Fat Fishnet Girl got up and moved two seats up next to some old lady. I heard her talk about me.
Fat Fishnet Girl: I'm sorry, but that guy I was sitting next to tried to steal my movie idea!
Old Woman: Oh, what a terrible young man. Where is he?
Fat Fishnet Girl: He's right there!
Fat Fishnet Girl pointed back at me, and the old woman shook her head, disapprovingly. A couple of other people heard this as well and gave me dirty looks throughout the duration of the train ride.
So, am I telling the truth about this paranoid girl? Or am I the one who just wrote an unrealistic piece of garbage?
2. Monopoly Guy:
I've been shopping at Acme more frequently than Bottom Dollar recently. Two reasons for this: First, it's been cold outside for what seems like the past decade, so I haven't wanted to walk to the latter grocery store. And second, Bottom Dollar inexplicably doesn't carry Cocoa Puffs. How ridiculous is that? Excluding instances in which my girlfriend made a meal for me, I've had Cocoa Puffs for breakfast every single day for the past year. Those commercials weren't kidding when they told me I'd go coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.
I ventured over to Acme one evening. I was strolling down an aisle when I noticed some guy knock over one of those mini price signs on the shelves. He started to walk away from it, but I gave him a dirty look. This convinced him to turn around, pick up the sign and place it back on the shelf.
OK, maybe he thought I was being a dick, but some poor worker would have to pick it up. What if it was an old man who could potentially throw out of his back by bending over? I was just being a good Samaritan.
I eventually found the Cocoa Puffs. I grabbed two boxes - yes, I purchase two on each trip - when I knocked over a price sign myself. I quickly glanced in both directions to see if anyone witnessed this. There was no one there, so I walked away without picking up the sign. Muhahaha!
What? I'm a hypocrite for doing this? How dare you say that? You're the hypocrite!
Anyway, I was paying for my items at those automatic checkout things when an Acme worker approached me with something in his hand.
Acme Worker: Want to play Monopoly?
Me: Uhh... what?
Acme Worker: Want to play Monopoly?
Me: I don't understand.
Acme Worker: You can play Monopoly right now.
Me: With you? But aren't you supposed to be working?
Acme Worker: It's my job to get people to play Monopoly.
Me: Really? Well, can I at least be the magic hat?
Acme Worker: No.
Me: No? Well, screw you then!
I bolted out of Acme, still extremely pleased with myself that I opted not to pick up that mini price sign.
Did this story about a Monopoly-playing Acme worker really occur? Or am I like the guy taking the dog and sticking you with the shoe?
3. Furniture Truck:
I mentioned the weather earlier. There have been a ridiculous amount of snowstorms this winter, silencing Al Gore as his army of armpit-haired, mustached women. It's made driving unbelievably difficult, however.
A couple of days passed after a major snowstorm, so I thought it was safe to take a shortcut to Saladworks. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong. My car was slipping and sliding all over the place. I could have turned around, but I opted to trudge on. I was going uphill most of the time, so I thought that driving downhill would have been treacherous, given that I'd have to use my breaks frequently.
I was three-quarters of the way to Saladworks when I had to come to a complete stop. A furniture truck completely blocked the road. It normally would've been able to park near the curb, but there was so much snow piled up on either side, so it had no choice but to stand in the middle.
I honked my horn several times before the owner of the house finally approached me.
House Owner: I'm sorry, but we had nowhere else to park the truck.
Me: Ugh. Is it going to be very long?
House Owner: Maybe about 15-20 minutes. You should probably turn around.
Me: But it's slippery, and I don't want to drive downhill.
House Owner: I don't know what to tell ya.
I was pissed because it was 8:40, and Saladworks closed at 9. But there apparently was nothing I could do without risking my life.
House Owner began wandering away, but he stopped for a second, turned around and walked back to my car.
House Owner: I have a great idea!
Me: Really? What is it?
House Owner: These guys with the furniture company could use your help. Why don't you help them carry some stuff in!?
Me: ... Are you serious?
House Owner: Yeah, it'll make everything go by faster! What do you say?
I didn't even answer him. I put the car in reverse and drove back down the hill. I swerved into the grass a couple of times, but there was no major damage. Unfortunately, there was a car accident at an intersection on the longer route, so I never got to Saladworks in time.
So, do I regret not helping the furniture people? Absolutely not. I went to bed starving that night, but I was still happy that I didn't assist that douche.
Was this a factual story? Did a man really ask me to help him move furniture into his house? Or am I once again pulling the rug from under your feet?
4. Recycling Bins:
I have another weather-related story for you. When it hasn't been snowy here, it's been extremely windy. There were such major gusts one morning that the recycling bins around the neighborhood were blowing away. I was able to retrieve mine, but I got the following text from my neighbor Gene that evening:
Hey man, did you see my recycling can? I think the wind blew it away.
I told him that I saw it at noon when I was carrying mine in. I then suggested that he ask the new neighbors on his side of the house just in case they carried his bin inside by accident. He said he knocked on their door, but they weren't home.
As I said, I'm a good Samaritan, so I went over to the new neighbors' house the following day when Gene was at work. They were actually home this time, and the man living there happened to be carrying something into the garage. He then closed his garage as I approached his home. And that's when I saw it - he had four green recycling bins stashed in his garage!
Me: Hey, did you take Gene's recycling can?
Recycling Thief: What? Who's Gene? No, I didn't take his recycling can!
Me: I just saw four of them in your garage! You stole two others too!
Recycling Thief: No, I didn't! I just happened to buy all of them. Just in case I have a lot to recycle!
Me: Gene is missing his, and it's shady that you just happen to have four recycling cans.
Recycling Thief: Well, if Gene thinks one of them is his, he can come over and claim it, but I don't have to answer any of your questions anymore!
Recycling Thief ran into his house and slammed the door shut. I just stood there for a minute, completely shocked about what just transpired. I then saw him look at me through the window, as if he was checking if I was still there. I decided that the whole thing was useless, so I just went home. I told Gene about it later, so hopefully he was able to retrieve his bin. Regardless, I'm going to watch mine like a hawk; otherwise, Recycling Thief will steal it too.
Did someone really steal three bins from people in this neighborhood? Or am I just recycling another fictitious tale?
5. Russian Gypsy Neighbors:
I wrote about my Russian gypsy neighbors a few years ago. I since met them and realized that even though they were gypsies, they happened to be nice people - or so I thought.
The man living there actually writes for a fantasy football Web site as well. We were astonished to realize how much of a coincidence this was - myself, especially, since I didn't realize that gypsies were allowed to like football. I thought all they could do all day was look into crystal balls and poke needles into dolls.
I suggested that we should set up a link exchange. He agreed, promising to send me an e-mail that evening. It didn't come then, or the next day, or the day after that. A month passed by before I saw him again. I brought up the link exchange, and he said, "Oh, I forgot; I'll e-mail you tonight." That didn't happen either. I told him about it once more, but there was still no e-mail. In fact, it's been nearly a year now since he said he'd contact me.
I didn't think much of it until one evening when I came back home from the gym. I walked upstairs and noticed a figure in my office. It was my Russian gypsy neighbor - and he had my laptop in his hands!
Me: What are you doing!?
Russian Gypsy: I am stealing your laptop so I can destroy your football site!
Russian Gypsy: Same reason I didn't link exchange with you! Your site is our top competitor, so I'm bringing you down!
Me: You actually sound like Mike Florio right now. You don't have to do this. The Internet's big enough for the both of us.
Russian Gypsy: No! I've tried everything. I used my crystal ball to stop you, and it didn't work. I poked needles into a doll that looked like you, and nothing. If I steal your laptop, I will conquer your Web site once and for all!
Russian Gypsy was about to smash my laptop. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a sword (Christmas present from my dad) and stabbed him with it - right in the stomach. But there was no blood. Russian Gypsy simply vanished into thin air, leaving a trail of purple smoke in his wake. I caught my laptop before it hit the ground, but I nearly dropped it when Russian Gypsy's laughter echoed in the distance.
"I'll get you next time, WalterFootball," he roared. "Next time!"
Wow. Did this crazy tale really transpire? Or am I poking needles into a story that never existed?
6. Dodgy Drink Douches
Some friends of mine from high school gathered for drinks recently. I was shocked to see my one friend show up with this date - only because I couldn't identify the gender of this new person. He/she/it had long hair and was dating a man, so I assumed it was a female. However, he/she/it had muscular arms, a deep voice and a hint of a mustache and beard. I also think there was a bulge where his/her/its penis would be. That's the only thing keeping me from guessing that he/she/it was a eunuch.
Despite his/her/its apparent gender, this eunuch-like individual seemed to be the perfect match for my friend. See, my friend was always extremely cheap. For instance, if we went out to a restaurant, instead of splitting the bill evenly, he'd say, "You owe 50 cents more because your burger had cheese on it, and mine didn't." I wanted to yell, "Let's just put down $10 each, you f***ing douche!" but he was my friend for some reason.
Anyway, my friend and his eunuch girlfriend came up with the idea to order shots for everyone in honor of our mutual friend's birthday. I was actually quite taken aback, since he never offered to pay for anything before. But as I quickly discovered, this was all a ruse.
About a half hour later, my cheap friend and his eunuch girlfriend said something quietly to another mutual friend of ours. I didn't hear what was said at the time, but this other mutual friend informed me later.
Cheap Friend: Wouldn't it be funny if we just left and had our friend pay the bill?
Mutual Friend: Haha, that would suck for him.
Eunuch Girlfriend: Let's do it! You shouldn't have to pay for shots!
Cheap Friend: Yeah!
Mutual Friend: Wait, you're actually serious? You were the ones who ordered shots.
Cheap Friend: Yeah, but who cares? Let's get out of here.
Eunuch Girlfriend: Right behind you, hun!
And just like that, our cheap friend and his eunuch girlfriend left the bar. We didn't want the birthday boy to pay for anything, so everyone else had to foot the bill - and it was a lot for the amount of drinks the rest of us ordered because shots are damn expensive.
As for my cheap friend, he's still dating the eunuch girlfriend. I guess he enjoys whatever that bulge happens to be.
Did this guy and his eunuch girlfriend really skip out on the bill? Or is this story even cheaper than my friend?
Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? It's your last chance before looking at the answer key...
Train Ride - April Truth! People actually gave me dirty looks because they thought I was trying to steal one of the worst screenplays ever written. I told you it was an eventful train ride.
Monopoly Guy - April Truth! I'm just as surprised as you - an Acme worker did in fact challenge me to a game of Monopoly. Like I'm going to stick around in an Acme for a couple of hours to build hotels on Boardwalk.
Furniture Truck - April Truth! I still can't believe a guy asked me to help the furniture people move stuff into his house. What a douche.
Recycling Bins - April Fools! Gene did actually lose his recycling bin, but I can't say for certain that the new neighbors stole it. Wouldn't surprise me if they did though, given how shady they are.
Russian Gypsy Neighbors - April Fools! Actually, everything in this story, including the sword, is true - except for the gypsy breaking into my house and trying to steal my laptop. He broke his promise to link exchange with me, and I've always wondered why. I think this was a legitimate explanation for it.
Dodgy Drink Douches - April Truth! This is all true, right down to the eunuch girlfriend's mysterious bulge.
How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?
6 Correct - You know me way too well. In fact, maybe I should change my alarm code because you probably already know it. You wouldn't want to get stabbed in the stomach, would you?
4-5 Correct - You know me very well. I'm sure you already know my recycling schedule. I'll have to keep a closer eye on my bins.
2-3 Correct - You don't know me that well, but that probably won't stop you from asking me to help you move furniture. The answer is no.
0-1 Correct - You don't know me at all. You may even think I'm Jonathan Frakes because of all the corny puns. Unfortunately, I'm not as cool Picard's "Number One."