Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014





Jerks of the Week: March 31, 2014


JERK OF THE WEEK: April Fools and April Truths II

I was utterly shocked to realize that Jerks of the Week is nearly five years old. What started as a rant about how my date to a wedding ditched me for a barbeque transformed into a major section of my Web site. Most people visit for my mediocre football analysis, but I've been told by a handful of individuals, including my mom and my girlfriend, that they go to WalterFootball.com just to read Jerks of the Week.

I've made some themed entries over the years. For instance, I like to do something on Internet Idiots, as well as crappy TV ads, including those terrible Kay jewelry commercials. I also started something last year called "April Fools and April Truths" in which I wrote six short stories. Some of them actually happened, while others were complete fabrications. It was up to you to determine which ones were true, and I revealed this at the bottom of the article.

I enjoyed writing April Fools and April Truths, so I want to make it an annual entry. I did make one mistake last year though. I based the April Fools and April Truths on an old TV show called Fact or Fiction in which former Star Trek TNG actor Jonathan Frakes narrated five stories. Some were fact, while others were complete fiction. Perhaps the best part of the show was when Frakes would deliver some awful puns after each story. Go here to listen to the corniest ones.

I'm ashamed of myself that I didn't put a bad pun at the end of each story in last year's April Fools and April Truths entry, so it's my goal to do it this time. My puns will be so corny that some guy 20 years from now will refer to them on his Web site, which I'm sure will be packed with mediocre football analysis as well.


1. Train Ride:

I mentioned in last week's Jerks entry that my train ride home from downtown was eventful. This is because a chubby girl with fishnet stockings sat down next to me. She flipped open her laptop right away and began typing feverishly. I didn't think much of it right away, but she was smashing the keys so frantically that it eventually piqued my interest. What was she typing? I just had to find out.

I peered over, and it turns out that she was composing a screenplay. Was it any good? Well, let me give you an example from what I can remember:

Mary: I love you, John.

John: I love you, Mary, but I love someone else more.

Mary: Who, John? Who?

John: I love Kyle more, Mary. I have feelings for men, and I also have feelings for women, but my feelings for men are stronger than my feelings for women, Mary!

Mary: Oh, John! I know you can't control your feelings for men, but I wish your feelings for me would get stronger!

What the f*** was this? Was this screenplay some sort of joke? I couldn't help but laugh. Unfortunately, this made Fat Fishnet Girl realize that I was reading her work. She tiled the laptop away from my direction.

Fat Fishnet Girl: Why were you reading my screenplay!?

Me: I dunno, I was just bored and curious.

Fat Fishnet Girl: Well you're not allowed to read it - and for your information, it's not a comedy! It's a tragic love story!

Me: Oh, OK.

Fat Fishnet Girl: You better not steal it! If I see this movie come out before I sell it, I will hunt you down and sue you!

Me: I...

Before I could finish, Fat Fishnet Girl got up and moved two seats up next to some old lady. I heard her talk about me.

Fat Fishnet Girl: I'm sorry, but that guy I was sitting next to tried to steal my movie idea!

Old Woman: Oh, what a terrible young man. Where is he?

Fat Fishnet Girl: He's right there!

Fat Fishnet Girl pointed back at me, and the old woman shook her head, disapprovingly. A couple of other people heard this as well and gave me dirty looks throughout the duration of the train ride.

So, am I telling the truth about this paranoid girl? Or am I the one who just wrote an unrealistic piece of garbage?


2. Monopoly Guy:

I've been shopping at Acme more frequently than Bottom Dollar recently. Two reasons for this: First, it's been cold outside for what seems like the past decade, so I haven't wanted to walk to the latter grocery store. And second, Bottom Dollar inexplicably doesn't carry Cocoa Puffs. How ridiculous is that? Excluding instances in which my girlfriend made a meal for me, I've had Cocoa Puffs for breakfast every single day for the past year. Those commercials weren't kidding when they told me I'd go coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.

I ventured over to Acme one evening. I was strolling down an aisle when I noticed some guy knock over one of those mini price signs on the shelves. He started to walk away from it, but I gave him a dirty look. This convinced him to turn around, pick up the sign and place it back on the shelf.

OK, maybe he thought I was being a dick, but some poor worker would have to pick it up. What if it was an old man who could potentially throw out of his back by bending over? I was just being a good Samaritan.

I eventually found the Cocoa Puffs. I grabbed two boxes - yes, I purchase two on each trip - when I knocked over a price sign myself. I quickly glanced in both directions to see if anyone witnessed this. There was no one there, so I walked away without picking up the sign. Muhahaha!

What? I'm a hypocrite for doing this? How dare you say that? You're the hypocrite!

Anyway, I was paying for my items at those automatic checkout things when an Acme worker approached me with something in his hand.

Acme Worker: Want to play Monopoly?

Me: Uhh... what?

Acme Worker: Want to play Monopoly?

Me: I don't understand.

Acme Worker: You can play Monopoly right now.

Me: With you? But aren't you supposed to be working?

Acme Worker: It's my job to get people to play Monopoly.

Me: Really? Well, can I at least be the magic hat?

Acme Worker: No.

Me: No? Well, screw you then!

I bolted out of Acme, still extremely pleased with myself that I opted not to pick up that mini price sign.

Did this story about a Monopoly-playing Acme worker really occur? Or am I like the guy taking the dog and sticking you with the shoe?





3. Furniture Truck:

I mentioned the weather earlier. There have been a ridiculous amount of snowstorms this winter, silencing Al Gore as his army of armpit-haired, mustached women. It's made driving unbelievably difficult, however.

A couple of days passed after a major snowstorm, so I thought it was safe to take a shortcut to Saladworks. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong. My car was slipping and sliding all over the place. I could have turned around, but I opted to trudge on. I was going uphill most of the time, so I thought that driving downhill would have been treacherous, given that I'd have to use my breaks frequently.

I was three-quarters of the way to Saladworks when I had to come to a complete stop. A furniture truck completely blocked the road. It normally would've been able to park near the curb, but there was so much snow piled up on either side, so it had no choice but to stand in the middle.

I honked my horn several times before the owner of the house finally approached me.

House Owner: I'm sorry, but we had nowhere else to park the truck.

Me: Ugh. Is it going to be very long?

House Owner: Maybe about 15-20 minutes. You should probably turn around.

Me: But it's slippery, and I don't want to drive downhill.

House Owner: I don't know what to tell ya.

I was pissed because it was 8:40, and Saladworks closed at 9. But there apparently was nothing I could do without risking my life.

House Owner began wandering away, but he stopped for a second, turned around and walked back to my car.

House Owner: I have a great idea!

Me: Really? What is it?

House Owner: These guys with the furniture company could use your help. Why don't you help them carry some stuff in!?

Me: ... Are you serious?

House Owner: Yeah, it'll make everything go by faster! What do you say?

I didn't even answer him. I put the car in reverse and drove back down the hill. I swerved into the grass a couple of times, but there was no major damage. Unfortunately, there was a car accident at an intersection on the longer route, so I never got to Saladworks in time.

So, do I regret not helping the furniture people? Absolutely not. I went to bed starving that night, but I was still happy that I didn't assist that douche.

Was this a factual story? Did a man really ask me to help him move furniture into his house? Or am I once again pulling the rug from under your feet?


4. Recycling Bins:

I have another weather-related story for you. When it hasn't been snowy here, it's been extremely windy. There were such major gusts one morning that the recycling bins around the neighborhood were blowing away. I was able to retrieve mine, but I got the following text from my neighbor Gene that evening:

Hey man, did you see my recycling can? I think the wind blew it away.

I told him that I saw it at noon when I was carrying mine in. I then suggested that he ask the new neighbors on his side of the house just in case they carried his bin inside by accident. He said he knocked on their door, but they weren't home.

As I said, I'm a good Samaritan, so I went over to the new neighbors' house the following day when Gene was at work. They were actually home this time, and the man living there happened to be carrying something into the garage. He then closed his garage as I approached his home. And that's when I saw it - he had four green recycling bins stashed in his garage!

Me: Hey, did you take Gene's recycling can?

Recycling Thief: What? Who's Gene? No, I didn't take his recycling can!

Me: I just saw four of them in your garage! You stole two others too!

Recycling Thief: No, I didn't! I just happened to buy all of them. Just in case I have a lot to recycle!

Me: Gene is missing his, and it's shady that you just happen to have four recycling cans.

Recycling Thief: Well, if Gene thinks one of them is his, he can come over and claim it, but I don't have to answer any of your questions anymore!

Recycling Thief ran into his house and slammed the door shut. I just stood there for a minute, completely shocked about what just transpired. I then saw him look at me through the window, as if he was checking if I was still there. I decided that the whole thing was useless, so I just went home. I told Gene about it later, so hopefully he was able to retrieve his bin. Regardless, I'm going to watch mine like a hawk; otherwise, Recycling Thief will steal it too.

Did someone really steal three bins from people in this neighborhood? Or am I just recycling another fictitious tale?


5. Russian Gypsy Neighbors:

I wrote about my Russian gypsy neighbors a few years ago. I since met them and realized that even though they were gypsies, they happened to be nice people - or so I thought.

The man living there actually writes for a fantasy football Web site as well. We were astonished to realize how much of a coincidence this was - myself, especially, since I didn't realize that gypsies were allowed to like football. I thought all they could do all day was look into crystal balls and poke needles into dolls.

I suggested that we should set up a link exchange. He agreed, promising to send me an e-mail that evening. It didn't come then, or the next day, or the day after that. A month passed by before I saw him again. I brought up the link exchange, and he said, "Oh, I forgot; I'll e-mail you tonight." That didn't happen either. I told him about it once more, but there was still no e-mail. In fact, it's been nearly a year now since he said he'd contact me.

I didn't think much of it until one evening when I came back home from the gym. I walked upstairs and noticed a figure in my office. It was my Russian gypsy neighbor - and he had my laptop in his hands!

Me: What are you doing!?

Russian Gypsy: I am stealing your laptop so I can destroy your football site!

Me: Why!?

Russian Gypsy: Same reason I didn't link exchange with you! Your site is our top competitor, so I'm bringing you down!

Me: You actually sound like Mike Florio right now. You don't have to do this. The Internet's big enough for the both of us.

Russian Gypsy: No! I've tried everything. I used my crystal ball to stop you, and it didn't work. I poked needles into a doll that looked like you, and nothing. If I steal your laptop, I will conquer your Web site once and for all!

Russian Gypsy was about to smash my laptop. Thinking quickly, I grabbed a sword (Christmas present from my dad) and stabbed him with it - right in the stomach. But there was no blood. Russian Gypsy simply vanished into thin air, leaving a trail of purple smoke in his wake. I caught my laptop before it hit the ground, but I nearly dropped it when Russian Gypsy's laughter echoed in the distance.

"I'll get you next time, WalterFootball," he roared. "Next time!"

Wow. Did this crazy tale really transpire? Or am I poking needles into a story that never existed?


6. Dodgy Drink Douches

Some friends of mine from high school gathered for drinks recently. I was shocked to see my one friend show up with this date - only because I couldn't identify the gender of this new person. He/she/it had long hair and was dating a man, so I assumed it was a female. However, he/she/it had muscular arms, a deep voice and a hint of a mustache and beard. I also think there was a bulge where his/her/its penis would be. That's the only thing keeping me from guessing that he/she/it was a eunuch.

Despite his/her/its apparent gender, this eunuch-like individual seemed to be the perfect match for my friend. See, my friend was always extremely cheap. For instance, if we went out to a restaurant, instead of splitting the bill evenly, he'd say, "You owe 50 cents more because your burger had cheese on it, and mine didn't." I wanted to yell, "Let's just put down $10 each, you f***ing douche!" but he was my friend for some reason.

Anyway, my friend and his eunuch girlfriend came up with the idea to order shots for everyone in honor of our mutual friend's birthday. I was actually quite taken aback, since he never offered to pay for anything before. But as I quickly discovered, this was all a ruse.

About a half hour later, my cheap friend and his eunuch girlfriend said something quietly to another mutual friend of ours. I didn't hear what was said at the time, but this other mutual friend informed me later.

Cheap Friend: Wouldn't it be funny if we just left and had our friend pay the bill?

Mutual Friend: Haha, that would suck for him.

Eunuch Girlfriend: Let's do it! You shouldn't have to pay for shots!

Cheap Friend: Yeah!

Mutual Friend: Wait, you're actually serious? You were the ones who ordered shots.

Cheap Friend: Yeah, but who cares? Let's get out of here.

Eunuch Girlfriend: Right behind you, hun!

And just like that, our cheap friend and his eunuch girlfriend left the bar. We didn't want the birthday boy to pay for anything, so everyone else had to foot the bill - and it was a lot for the amount of drinks the rest of us ordered because shots are damn expensive.

As for my cheap friend, he's still dating the eunuch girlfriend. I guess he enjoys whatever that bulge happens to be.

Did this guy and his eunuch girlfriend really skip out on the bill? Or is this story even cheaper than my friend?







Answer Key

Did you figure out which stories are April Fools and which ones are April Truths? It's your last chance before looking at the answer key...

  • Train Ride - April Truth! People actually gave me dirty looks because they thought I was trying to steal one of the worst screenplays ever written. I told you it was an eventful train ride.

  • Monopoly Guy - April Truth! I'm just as surprised as you - an Acme worker did in fact challenge me to a game of Monopoly. Like I'm going to stick around in an Acme for a couple of hours to build hotels on Boardwalk.

  • Furniture Truck - April Truth! I still can't believe a guy asked me to help the furniture people move stuff into his house. What a douche.

  • Recycling Bins - April Fools! Gene did actually lose his recycling bin, but I can't say for certain that the new neighbors stole it. Wouldn't surprise me if they did though, given how shady they are.

  • Russian Gypsy Neighbors - April Fools! Actually, everything in this story, including the sword, is true - except for the gypsy breaking into my house and trying to steal my laptop. He broke his promise to link exchange with me, and I've always wondered why. I think this was a legitimate explanation for it.

  • Dodgy Drink Douches - April Truth! This is all true, right down to the eunuch girlfriend's mysterious bulge.


    Scoring System

    How many did you figure out correctly? And what does your score say about you?

  • 6 Correct - You know me way too well. In fact, maybe I should change my alarm code because you probably already know it. You wouldn't want to get stabbed in the stomach, would you?

  • 4-5 Correct - You know me very well. I'm sure you already know my recycling schedule. I'll have to keep a closer eye on my bins.

  • 2-3 Correct - You don't know me that well, but that probably won't stop you from asking me to help you move furniture. The answer is no.

  • 0-1 Correct - You don't know me at all. You may even think I'm Jonathan Frakes because of all the corny puns. Unfortunately, I'm not as cool Picard's "Number One."




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    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
    Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
    Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
    Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
    Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
    Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
    Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
    Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
    Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
    Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
    Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
    Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
    Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
    Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
    Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
    Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
    Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
    Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
    Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
    Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
    Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
    Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
    Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
    Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
    Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
    Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
    Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
    Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
    Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
    Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
    Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
    Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
    Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
    Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
    Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
    Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
    Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
    Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
    Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
    Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
    Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
    Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
    Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
    Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
    Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
    Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
    Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
    Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
    Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
    Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
    Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
    Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
    Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
    Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
    Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
    Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
    Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
    Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
    Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
    Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
    Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
    Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
    Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
    Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
    Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
    Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
    Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
    Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
    Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
    Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
    Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
    Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
    Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
    Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
    Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
    Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
    Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
    Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
    Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
    Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
    Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
    Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
    Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
    Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
    Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
    Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
    Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
    Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
    Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
    Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
    Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
    Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
    Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
    Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
    Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
    Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
    Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
    Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
    Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
    Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
    Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
    Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
    Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
    Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
    Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
    Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
    Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
    Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
    Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
    Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
    Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
    Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
    Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
    Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
    Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
    Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
    Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
    Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
    Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
    Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




    NFL Picks - Nov. 17


    2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


    2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


    Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


    2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


    NFL Power Rankings - May 5



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