I've been going go the bar formerly known as Whiskey Tango (currently just Tango) every Friday for the past month or so. My friends and I have decided that it's our bar. There's no cover, the music's not loud so you can actually talk, and there's a really hot blond bartender. Most importantly, the bathroom actually has stalls for privacy, so no dudes can check out my wang when I'm urinating. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.
One of the great things about going out is making the trip to Wawa afterward and ordering a yummy sandwich. I always get a turkey-and-cheddar-cheese sandwich after drinking - the turkey because it puts me to sleep, and the cheddar cheese because I love cheddar cheese NOM NOM NOM NOM.
One of the perks of going to Wawa that late used to be able to see the Hot-Red Head. She informed me that she no longer works there on weekend nights, which I imagine has to be a relief for her because she told me about all of the weirdoes who typically waltz into Wawa when the bars close. One guy even offered to pay her $20 for her number. I swear it wasn't me. The most I've ever paid for a girl's phone number is $15 and a stick of gum.
I definitely know that the Hot Red-Head was speaking the truth about the weirdoes. I saw one for myself a few months ago (Missing Tooth Man) when I came home from the crappy bowling alley. I spotted another jerk a couple of weeks ago.
Two people walked into Wawa as I was ordering something off the menu. One was a normal-looking girl, but she was with a husky dude with a shaved head, a red face and bloodshot eyes. He looked like he just smoked an entire rain forest.
High Wawa Man strolled over to the computer menu and began mashing random buttons. Soon enough, he started yelling.
High Wawa Man: I don't know what the f*** I'm doing right now. I don't know what the f*** I'm doing!!!
I would have ignored him if I didn't run this Jerks of the Week column. But I felt like it was my duty to interact with him.
Me: You all right, man?
High Wawa Man: I don't know what the f*** I'm doing right now. What the f*** is this s***?
Me: What do you mean?
High Wawa Man: I don't know what the f*** this s*** is! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, I don't f***ing know anymore.
High Wawa Man looked extremely frustrated, but he burst out laughing out of frustration. I wanted to as well for a much different reason. High Wawa Man was so stoned that he couldn't get past the first screen on the menu, where they ask you whether you want breakfast, lunch or dinner. I understand that he was completely out of his mind at the time, but the fact that he couldn't decide whether he wanted breakfast, lunch or dinner at around 2 a.m. was completely amusing.
I guess High Wawa Man eventually decided on something because he stopped mashing the buttons. A slip printed out of the machine. He grabbed it and then gave it to his girlfriend.
High Wawa Man: Take this.
Girlfriend: What is this?
High Wawa Man: I don't f***ing know anymore, I don't know what the f*** is going on!
High Wawa Man stormed out of the Wawa. His girlfriend, who yelled, "Where the hell are you going?" looked at the slip in complete bewilderment.
Girlfriend: Who the f*** orders a cheesesteak from Wawa with lettuce, parmesan cheese and Ranch dressing?
My mouth instantly watered. God, why the hell did I order some crappy turkey-and-cheddar-cheese sandwich? As you can tell, I didn't sleep very well that night because I regretted my terrible decision.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie
The Hot Red-Head now works weekday nights. I often see her there when I'm buying dinner. This was the case one Wednesday evening when I craved a Caesar salad and a hot dog to go along with some tomato soup I had at home.
Now, I know what you're thinking right now: "Walt, why are you eating so healthy?" Well, from what I read in medical journals, it's good to maintain a balanced meal. It's best to neutralize something really healthy with something unhealthy in order to maintain proper balance. Hot dogs are bad for you (unless there's cheese sauce on them), but I was planning to cancel that out with the Caesar Salad, which has things that are really good for you like lettuce, parmesan cheese and croutons. My doctor told me that croutons are a leading source for the all-important Vitamin X and the somewhat less-vital Vitamin Y.
So, where does the tomato soup fit in? Well, that's easy. Tomato soup is both tasty and healthy, which was key because it canceled out the Caesar dressing. I used to think that all salad dressings were really healthy, but my friend informed me otherwise. That was a dark day for me because I love salad dressing.
Anyway, that particular night was very depressing for me because not only was Wawa out of Caesar dressing; it also didn't have any hot dogs available. I nearly broke down into tears, but decided against it because that would have looked unmanly in front of the Hot Red-Head.
So, what was I to do for dinner? Well, Wawa has been running this promotion for their Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, which seemed like a good substitute for my Caesar Salad. I had to ask the Hot Red-Head about it.
Me: Hey, is the Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie any good?
Hot Red-Head: I don't know, but it looks good.
Me: The only thing I don't like on there is the wheat roll. Can I get a regular one instead?
Hot Red-Head: Yeah, definitely! I don't like wheat rolls either.
Score! Hot Red-Head and I had something in common. How could she not be in love with me, knowing full well that we both have an utter disdain for wheat rolls? She'll be my girlfriend in no time.
Of course, I couldn't just order the Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie. That's extremely healthy, so I needed to balance it out with something bad. I opted for chicken fingers and barbeque sauce. Soooo goooood NOM NOM NOM NOM.
*** Side note: The other day, I made the greatest invention ever since Benjamin Franklin created electricity when he was flying that kite thing. I love barbeque sauce, and when I was ordering dinner at Wawa last week, it suddenly dawned on me that it would be a great idea to order a hoagie with chicken strips, American cheese and barbeque sauce. Wawa doesn't offer barbeque sauce on the side, unfortunately, but the guy behind the counter agreed to put barbeque sauce on my cheese-and-chicken strip hoagie. It was the best thing ever. I highly recommend it, though I will be collecting royalties every time Wawa sells what is now known as the WalterFootball Hoagie. ***
Anyway, I came home, devoured my tomato soup and then eagerly took a bite out of my Turkey Veggie Ranch hoagie. And...
I had to spit it out. It was awful. People who live in third-world countries like Iran, Africa and Camden, N.J. can find tastier things on the ground.
This really confused me. The Turkey Veggie Ranch hoagie looked so good on paper and in that picture. How could it be so disgusting? More importantly, this was in complete violation of the famous saying, "Hot chicks make hot food."
I was in complete shock that the Hot Red-Head could make something that tasted so putrid, so I put some frozen pizza in the microwave and ate that in conjunction with my chicken strips.
I know, I know... I paired two unhealthy food items together, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Still, the fact remains that this dinner put me one step closer to having a heart attack. Those Wawa people just had to run out of Caesar dressing that specific night, huh? I'm beginning to think that there's a conspiracy against me.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: Salad Dressing Aisle
I decided the following day that no conspiracy was going to keep me down. Hell no. I wasn't going to be caught without Caesar dressing ever again, so I thought it would be a good idea to buy some at Bottom Dollar Food. It's impossible to buy hot dogs at the market and store them in the fridge, but I at least would be able to keep some Caesar dressing handy just in case Wawa tried to ruin another night of mine in the future.
I wasted no time and made my way to the salad dressing portion of the food store. I browsed through their wares and saw Ranch dressing, Fat Free Ranch dressing, Italian dressing, French dressing, communist Russian dressing, blue cheese dressing, even something called vinaigrette, which sounds disgusting because it comes from vines. I'm beginning to think there were vines in my Turkey Veggie Ranch hoagie.
But I didn't see Caesar dressing anywhere. I looked through all of the items three times, but couldn't find what I was looking for. It was apparent at that point that Bottom Dollar Food was in on the conspiracy against me. Bastards.
At that moment, Somewhat Cute Cashier strolled into the aisle. What luck! I'd be able to game her and ask her where I could find Caesar dressing at the same time. As Emmitt Smith would say, I'd be killing two stones with one bird.
Me: Hey, do you have Caesar dressing anywhere? I've been looking all over but can't find it.
Somewhat Cute Cashier: Hmm... I don't think so.
Me: Do you ever have it, or did you just run out?
Somewhat Cute Cashier: I don't think we carry it.
Me: Really? I needed some the other night, but Wawa didn't have it either.
Somewhat Cute Cashier: Oh, OK.
OK, so there's good news and bad news. The good news is that I like totally gamed Somewhat Cute Cashier successfully. She said 13 words to me if you count "hmm," which I am. Thirteen is a personal record for words that Somewhat Cute Cashier has said to me in a single day. If you disagree that "hmm" should count and insist that my record should stand at 12, then screw you. I don't want to be your friend anymore.
The bad news? It's quite apparent that Somewhat Cute Cashier is part of the conspiracy to give me a heart attack by not allowing me to balance out something unhealthy with a nutritious food item. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all if Somewhat Cute Cashier is the head of the conspiracy. She's obviously in love with me - those 13 words are proof enough - so she's definitely jealous that I talk about other women in Jerks of the Week, like the Hot Red-Head, Hot Chick from the Hot Tub and Russian Cleavage Pharmacist.
I just don't understand what the big deal is. Just because I write about hot women doesn't mean that I'm in love with them. Somewhat Cute Cashier, if you're reading this, you can stop this madness. You don't have to be jealous. Those other women don't mean anything to me. Well, of course, if they inform me that they want to sleep with me, they'll mean something to me, but what do you want, Somewhat Cute Cashier? I'm just a regular guy.
At any rate, I carried some other foodstuffs over to the register and made sure I got into Somewhat Cute Cashier's line. When it was my turn, I decided to make another move.
Me: I'm pretty bummed out that you guys don't carry Caesar dressing.
Somewhat Cute Cashier: Oh.
Me: I went to Wawa last night. I wanted to get a Caesar salad, but they didn't have any of those Caesar dressing packets available.
Somewhat Cute Cashier: Oh, OK.
Me: So, I thought I would buy some Caesar dressing here so I'd have some in my fridge the next time Wawa didn't.
Somewhat Cute Cashier: Oh, OK.
Me: But you guys don't have it, so I don't know what I'm going to do the next time Wawa runs out of Caesar dressing.
Somewhat Cute Cashier: Oh.
At this point, Somewhat Cute Cashier was done scanning all of my items, and I had already handed the money to her. Unfortunately, if you haven't counted, she only said seven words to me in this conversation. There were people behind me, so I had to leave - but ugh, I was only seven shy of my new record. If only I had two more minutes!
You may think I'm discouraged by my final interaction with Somewhat Cute Cashier. Well, as Emmitt would say, you're looking at the glass half fool. There was just something about the way she said "oh, OK" the second time, so it makes me believe that she is, in fact, madly in love with me. You just had to be there.
No - I changed my mind. Somewhat Cute Cashier has nothing to do with this conspiracy against me. No one says "oh OK" like that while plotting against you. She loves me and would never want me to have a heart attack.