Remember when everyone was outraged over the Jerry Sandusky scandal? People were furious because a man like that was allowed to be around kids for decades. The news even broke Twitter on several occasions.
Now, it's like, "meh." Syracuse's Bernie Fine has gotten into trouble for having sexy times with a couple of ball boys of his, and that received less coverage (perhaps because ESPN had a taped conversation of his wife admitting to Bernie getting it on with young boys.) Bill Conlin, a Hall of Fame baseball writer, was accused of molesting young girls last month, and ESPN never even mentioned it.
And just recently, a California teacher has gotten into hot water for allegedly tying kids up and force-feeding them semen. There reportedly was an instance where he had a cockroach crawl on one of the kids' faces. Despite this, I haven't heard this story mentioned once on TV. I figured ESPN would once again brainwash the public into blaming Joe Paterno for not reporting this man to the police, but they haven't done so. Not yet, anyway.
I just can't believe this happened. Why is a teacher messing around with cockroaches and semen? When my fifth-grade math teacher tied me up in a chair during detention and forced semen down my throat, I didn't mind too much. You have to do anything to get an A, right? But I sure as hell would have complained to the police if there was a cockroach involved. That's just disgusting. Every bondage enthusiast knows that semen and cockroaches don't mix. That's like Bondage 101.
I'm just not sure I understand what the fuss is all about. Unless the guy she banged multiple times is heterosexually challenged - not that there's anything wrong with that - why would he even go to the police about it? If this happened to me, I'd be thanking the heavens.
This girl should not have been fired. If anything, she should have been promoted and given a medal of honor. I think there should be more hot chick teachers who have sex with male students. The world would undoubtedly be a better place, and I'm sure you all agree.
I was never lucky enough to have this happen to me. I've never even had any super-hot teachers. Perhaps that's why I'm so cynical about everything. Had some hot chick teacher forced herself on me, I would definitely have a better outlook on life.
At any rate, there's no way this Rachel Farrell girl is going to jail. It'll be an open-and-shut case if she has a competent lawyer. Here's how I would handle it:
Me: For my first witness, I'd like to call a random 17-year-old high school kid to the stand.
*** Random High School Kid 1 walks to the stand. ***
Me: Random High School Kid 1, would you have sex with Miss Rachel Farrell?
Random High School Kid 1: Hellz yeah!
I'm off to a good start...
Me: For my next witness, I'd like to call another random 17-year-old high school kid to the stand.
*** Random High School Kid 2 walks to the stand. ***
Me: Random High School Kid 2, would you have sex with Miss Rachel Farrell?
Random High School Kid 2: Right now? In the court room? Sure, but could we have some privacy?
And I'd keep going...
Me: For my third witness, I'd like to call yet another random 17-year-old high school kid to the stand.
*** Random High School Kid 3 walks to the stand. ***
Me: Random High School Kid 3, would you have sex with Miss Rachel Farrell?
Random High School Kid 3: Ohhh oooooohhhh ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Me: Whoa, are you jerking off while looking at Miss Farrell?
Random High School Kid 3: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaahhhhhhh sheeeeee's soooooooo hoooooooottttt!!!
Me: Your honor, I rest my case.
As you can see, there is no way that Rachel had sex with 17-year-olds because they never would have gone to the police about it. I don't know what their motives are for lying - perhaps they're blackmailing her for better grades - but the fact remains that there is no way in hell that a hot chick teacher slept with her students in this case.
And that, perhaps, is the greatest crime of all.
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 2: Local Hospital
I've been told that I look young. My friend/neighbor guessed that I was 18. A guy at the gym thought I was 20. And in a recent trip to Red Robin, I was carded when I ordered a beer with my bacon cheeseburger.
Not that I'm complaining or anything. I'll be 30 in six months, but if people think that I look 18 or 20, I have no beef with that. Unfortunately, my body doesn't feel 18 or 20.
My back and my knees suck. I've dealt with back spasms over the past few years. They used to flare up about once a season until I started stretching twice a day, which has really helped. My knees, however, aren't getting any better. My left one really hurt back in December, so my doctor gave me an x-ray script.
I figured I'd call up the local hospital, schedule an appointment, get an x-ray and then stop by Taco Bell to make myself feel better. A perfect day!
When I was on the phone with some woman from the hospital, she asked me if I wanted to actually schedule an appointment or just walk in any time. She said that the appointment would save me about five minutes, so I eagerly decided to do that. I hate waiting for stuff. Like, I'd rather go way out of my way and drive 20 minutes to my house over spending 15 minutes in traffic. It makes no sense, but I think just standing and waiting is the worst.
I made an appointment for 1 p.m. on a Thursday. It's about a 12-minute drive, so I left at 12:40 just to be on the safe side. Of course, I got stuck in traffic three blocks down from my house. I seriously didn't move at all for five minutes, which was weird because there's usually never any traffic on this street. I figured there was a car accident, or something, but then I noticed that all of these cars with flashing headlights were blocking the intersection and heading toward the local cemetery.
I was pretty outraged by this. I was about to yell, "I hope the person you're having a funeral for dies!!!" until I realized how stupid that sounded. But really, I hate the idea of funeral traffic. I understand that arriving to the cemetery at once is ideal, and people who are unfamiliar with an area may not know where they're going, but there was a freaking sign that said "Forest Hills Cemetery" on the side of the road.
Did they really have to clog the intersection? I mean, why not just stop at the red light and let some people through? How selfish can they be? Didn't they realize that I was hungry for some post-x-ray tacos?
I arrived at the hospital at 1:05. I thought I was OK because the lady at the desk didn't say anything when I signed in. She told me to sit down, so I waited. And waited... and waited...
Suddenly, it was 1:25, and I still wasn't summoned for my x-ray. I went to the desk to find out what was wrong.
Me: Hey, I had an appointment for an x-ray at 1, but I haven't been called up yet.
Lady at Desk: Sorry sir, we scheduled two people for the same time.
Me: What? Why would you do that?
Lady at Desk: Well, sometimes people don't show up for their appointments, so our policy is to make two appointments at the same time just in case something like this happens.
Me: Ugh! So when will I get my x-ray?
Lady at Desk: When the other person is done with his. I'm sorry, sir, but you should have been on time for your appointment.
You have no idea how pissed off I was. I scheduled the appointment specifically so I wouldn't have to wait, and because some douche bag decided to die, I was going to have to wait for my x-ray and subsequent tacos. What an outrage!
This got me thinking - why the hell did they have one x-ray technician working at that time? Couldn't they have at least two technicians so people wouldn't have to wait? My answer quickly came when this fat lady walked by.
Fat Lady: It's so quiet here, where is everyone?
Lady at Desk: Everyone is down at the cafeteria.
Fat Lady: I'm about to go down there right now. I love lunch time!
I was about to ask if they were serving tacos in the cafeteria, but that's when the x-ray technician finally summoned me...
JERK OF THE WEEK NO. 3: X-Ray Technician
I didn't think taking x-rays would be so difficult. I figured that they'd put me in a room, have me stand against the wall and take a picture of me with an x-ray camera. Bada bing, bada boom, taco time! No, not really.
First of all, the x-ray technician told me to get changed into some hospital garment. I thought that would be easy enough, so I got into the changing booth and took off everything but my boxer-briefs (ladies, try not to get too excited.) However, I failed epically when I tried to put on the hospital garment. There were three holes, which I naturally assumed were for my head and arms, but none of the holes fit my head. I tried and I tried, but I just couldn't squeeze my head through the holes. That's what he said.
I naturally assumed that the x-ray technician, a short, older woman with a grayish afro, gave me a children's hospital garment. So, I left the changing booth pretty much naked, save for my boxer-briefs and halfway-on garment.
Me: Hey, ma'am, I think you gave me a children's garment.
X-Ray Technician looked at me like I was an idiot. She shook her head and approached me.
Me: I tried to fit my head through the holes, but it wouldn't go.
X-Ray Technician: The holes aren't for your head. Look...
I have no idea what she did, but she was able to make the garment fit. I don't think I could have figured it out in a million years, so if I ever go back for another x-ray, I'm probably going to have the same issues. FML.
I think my issues with the garment made me flustered because I had serious issues following X-Ray Technician's directions in the x-ray room. At first it wasn't too bad...
X-Ray Technician: Move your left leg forward.
X-Ray Technician: A bit more forward.
X-Ray Technician: A biiiit more forward.
X-Ray Technician: Nope, too much, move it back.
X-Ray Technician: Too much back, move it forward a bit.
During the second x-ray picture she started getting fed up with me...
X-Ray Technician: Move your left leg forward again.
X-Ray Technician: I said move it forward.
X-Ray Technician: MOVE IT FORWARD!
Me: I am.
X-Ray Technician: A BIT MORE FORWARD! A BIT MORE FORWARD!
Me: I am doing that!
X-Ray Technician: I SAID A BIT MORE FORWARD! A BIT MORE FORWARD!
Me: Is that enough?
X-Ray Technician: TOO MUCH FORWARD! TOO MUCH FORWARD!
X-Ray Technician: YOU MOVED IT TOO MUCH FORWARD! MOVE IT BACKWARD! NO - TOO MUCH BACKWARD! A BIT MORE FORWARD! A BIT MORE FORWARD!
It took about five minutes to move my leg into the right place. X-Ray Technician looked like she wanted to kill me by the time all my stand-up pictures were taken. And then she told me to lie down...
X-Ray Technician: Lie on your back.
X-Ray Technician: I SAID ON YOUR BACK, NOT YOUR STOMACH!!!
Me: Oh, I thought you said stomach.
X-Ray Technician: I SAID ON YOUR BACK! ON YOUR BACK!!!
Me: I'm sorry!!!!!!!!!!
By the time this was all over, I could see the relief on X-Ray Technician's face because she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. She was pretty nuts, but I'll admit that I was partly to blame because I couldn't follow her directions for some reason.
Can you blame me though? My precious tacos were awaiting me, so how could I possibly concentrate?
If the Bills QB is Mike Glennon, I'm driving right down to the Niagara River and jump off the Peace Bridge. And if Bills GM Doug Whaley does not keep Tyrod Taylor, I will drive Whaley down there and push him off the Peace Bridge. That's what us mafia people do if you do something stupid.