Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012
Jerks of the Week for July 16, 2012
JERK OF THE WEEK: Drunkest Guy Ever
My friend Chris recently had his 30th birthday party at his house. I had a pretty good time. Several interesting things happened, including:
This blond, muscular girl in the group randomly punched me in the nose. Like hard. I had to ask what I did to deserve this.
Me: Why the hell did you do that?
Puncher: Stop texting and pay attention to our conversation!
Me: But I'm sending an important text!
Puncher: I said, no texting!
I soon found out that Puncher served in Afghanistan for the Army, so that was the last time I reached for my phone when Puncher and I were in the same room. But that didn't stop her from hitting me. She punched me in the arm twice for no reason. I flinched whenever I walked by her for the rest of the night.
Ashley: I love fashion, so I was thinking about making a fashion Web site. What do you think?
Me: That sounds like a good idea. You can call it AshleyFashion.com.
Ashley: That's awesome! You can help me with it.
Me: Well, I'll help if I can. I spend a lot of time on my football Web...
Ashley: Yeah, you can quit your football site and work on AshleyFashion.com with me!
Me: Wait, what?
Ashley: Our fashion Web site is going to be awesome!
I'd tell you not to worry about me quitting WalterFootball.com, but Ashley could enlist Puncher's services to make sure I contribute to AshleyFashion.com. So if I stop writing football articles, you'll know why.
As the moniker implies, I've never seen anyone as intoxicated as Drunkest Guy Ever that night. He couldn't speak at all, and at the end of the night, he peed in his own bed. I told that story in the aforementioned link, but I learned a new detail about it during Chris' party.
1. The Pee Story, Expanded:
If you're too lazy to click the link, Drunkest Guy Ever was so inebriated that he urinated in his own bed. He then got out of bed, took off his boxers and flung them against the wall. Chris took notice.
Chris: What the hell?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Myy beeddzzz allll weeeet.
Chris: Dude, what are you doing? Put your boxers back on!
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nyyeeeghhh!!!
Drunkest Guy Ever then proceeded to pass out in his own urine. At least that's what I was told. Drunkest Guy Ever cleared things up at the party when we recalled what happened that night.
Me: Yeah, you passed out in your own piss at the end of it, right?
Drunkest Guy Ever: No way, brah. I didn't do all that.
Me: But you went to sleep back in your bed, and you peed in that bed, right?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Oh yeah. I went back into bed, but I pushed my girlfriend toward the side of the bed that the pee was on.
If that doesn't say love, then I don't know what does. After all, Drunkest Guy Ever is still dating the same girl.
2. Drunk Driving Story I:
Before I write anything about drunk driving, I'd like to state that I'm totally against drunk driving, even though according to Freakonomics, drunk walking causes five times more deaths than drunk driving, something I'm sure that the a**holes at MADD don't want anyone to know about.
Having said that, Drunkest Guy Ever recounted two hilarious stories revolving around his drunk driving adventures. In the first, he, Frank and a couple of other people were drinking. Some guy named Brian (I think) was the driver, but he had way too much. He still wanted to drive, however.
Brian: Heyyyy wherruuzz myyy keeyyzz?
Frank: I have them, but you're not driving. Drunkest Guy Ever is.
Brian: Wuuuttt hoowww cannn hee drriivvinnn my carrr ifff hezzzz buunnn driiinkkunn tewwww?
Frank: Because he's the best drunk driver ever. He's better drunk driving than sober driving.
Brian: Noooooo I'mmm gunnnnaa drriivvinnn myyyy carrr annnn thassss fiinnnnull!
Frank: Dude, I'm not getting in that car with you if you're driving. You can't even stand up straight. Drunkest Guy Ever is driving, or we're not going anywhere.
Drunkest Guy Ever was pretty intoxicated at that point, but Frank was right - no one drives inebriated like Drunkest Guy Ever. Brian eventually was talked into the fact that he was too wasted to get behind the wheel. Drunkest Guy Ever drove, and they predictably reached their apartment without any problems.
Once they were home, they decided to get a game of poker going. Brian slumped away from the table after a few hands. Twenty minutes later, Frank, Drunkest Guy Ever and the other people there started wondering about Brian.
Drunkest Guy Ever: Wherree'd Briuunn goo?
Frank: I don't know. I'll go check.
Frank walked toward one of the bedrooms. He opened it and saw Brian passed out on the bed, completely naked, on his stomach. Frank then noticed that there was brown crap covering Brian's butt, back and legs, as well as the bed.
Yep. Brian s*** himself when he passed out on the bed. Kinda makes Drunkest Guy Ever seem like an amateur drinker, doesn't it?
3. Drunk Driving Story II:
Playing poker that night wasn't a one-time thing for Drunkest Guy Ever. He gambles frequently. He's always at the casino, whether it's around the corner at Parx or at the various establishments down the shore in Atlantic City.
I must stress that I'm not exaggerating when I say that Drunkest Guy Ever is "always" at the casino. In our next story, Frank and Ashley were entering Parx to join Drunkest Guy Ever for a night of gambling. However, as they walked into the casino, they saw Drunkest Guy Ever leaving the place.
Frank: Yo dude, where are you going?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'mmmzz gunnn goooo dowwwnnn tewwww A.C. to go to the casiinnnoozzz.
Frank: But you're at the casino. Why are you leaving this one to go to another one?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'mmm tryiinn taaaa winnn sommme monneeeyy braaahh.
It's bad enough to go to the casino every day. It's another thing to go to multiple casinos every day, especially when you have to drive an hour-and-a-half between each location.
So, Drunkest Guy Ever got into his car and began driving down I-95 toward Atlantic City. Unfortunately, he must have been swerving or something because a cop car turned on its sirens. A police officer approached Drunkest Guy Ever's car after he pulled him over. It must have been ridiculously obvious that Drunkest Guy Ever was trashed because the cop knew it instantly.
Cop: Son, how much have you had to drink tonight?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Teewwwww mucccchhh.
Well, at least he's not a liar. The police officer drove Drunkest Guy Ever down to the station. Fortunately, Drunkest Guy Ever's father was a cop, so he was able to avoid any sort of arrest. They just detained him in the police station until he was sober enough to go home.
You'd think someone who was fortunate enough to escape a nightmare aggravated DUI charge would have just counted his blessings, but Drunkest Guy Ever had other ideas. After about 30 boring minutes of just sitting in the station, Drunkest Guy Ever thought it would be a good idea to test his luck.
Drunkest Guy Ever: Heeyyzz I'mmm sooobburrr ennooufff tewww drrivvee.
Cop: What?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'mmm goooddd taaaa drrrivvve hooommmee braaahh.
Cop: Are you f***ing serious? You think you're good to drive right now?
Drunkest Guy Ever: No. No I am not.
It's a good thing that Drunkest Guy Ever didn't move forward with that gambit. Jail time would have meant that he wouldn't have been able to visit his precious casinos.
4. Scratch-Offs:
Drunkest Guy Ever doesn't just gamble at casinos. He spends most of his paycheck at Wawa. He told us that he spent $50 at Wawa that particular day, which got everyone immediately wondering, how the hell does someone spend $50 on hoagies and coffee?
Drunkest Guy Ever: No food, brah. I drink my calories.
Me: Then how'd you spend $50 at Wawa?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Scratch-offs, brah. I bought five $10 scratch-offs.
Frank: Did you win?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Yeah, I won $25 on one, and I won $10 another one, but I lost on the other three.
Me: So you're only $15 in the hole. Not bad.
Drunkest Guy Ever: Not really, brah. I traded the $35 in and I bought three more scratch-offs, and I won $20 back.
Frank: So, you're down $25?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nah brah, I used the other $20 to buy two more scratch-offs, but I lost on them.
Me: So you still have $5?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nah brah, I spent the other $5 on lottery tickets.
OK, so Drunkest Guy Ever dropped $50 on scratch-offs and lottery tickets. I suppose it could have been worse. That got me curious though - has he ever won big?
Me: What's the most you ever won with these scratch-offs?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I won like $300, brah. The ticket's still in my room.
Me: Cool... wait, what? Why haven't you traded it in for $300?
Drunkest Guy Ever: I'm going to save it so I can buy more scratch-offs, brah.
Sounds like a wise investment idea to me - much better than the stock market or a 401K.
5. YouTube Video:
You may have noticed that I like to say the word "gaming" if I'm trying to mack on a girl. That word came from Drunkest Guy Ever, who has a ton of sayings, some original, some taken from elsewhere, including:
Our mutual friend Dan also found this amusing, so he made a YouTube video of Drunkest Guy Ever's first date with his current girlfriend. You can check it out by clicking the link.
That poor girl didn't know that about two years later, she would be soaking in urine in a hotel bedroom.
6. Sunday Rules:
Chris' party happened to fall on a Saturday. One of Drunkest Guy Ever's friends asked him if he wanted to hang out tomorrow.
Random Dude: Hey, want to drink tomorrow?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Nah, bra.
Random Dude: What? Why not?
Drunkest Guy Ever: Chill Rick. I don't drink on Sundays.
It was like we were in a movie - as soon as Drunkest Guy Ever said this, everything stopped. The music went quiet and everyone quit talking. Did Drunkest Guy Ever really just declare that he doesn't drink on a particular day? What's next? Would pigs fly? Would the Cleveland Browns win a Super Bowl? Would Rosie O'Donnell go on a diet?
I was astonished. Did Drunkest Guy Ever turn over a new leaf? Is he not going to drink as much anymore? Will he finally be sober and make better decisions rather than spending his entire paycheck on poker and scratch-offs?
As I was wondering this, I felt something cold splash all over my shorts and my legs. Drunkest Guy Ever drunkenly stumbled into a table, knocking over a cup of beer.
OK, so maybe not much has changed. I grabbed a towel and wiped the beer off. I wasn't too pissed - I knew it could be much worse, as Drunkest Guy Ever's girlfriend would presumably find out later that night when she was drenched in urine again.
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burz
07-19-2012
10:03 am
xxx.xxx.xxx.122
(total posts: 1)
 3
 3
That YouTube video made me laugh so hard
Dan B
07-18-2012
10:28 am
xxx.xxx.xxx5.34
(total posts: 1)
10
31
@Jackie That might be the dumbest fangirl comment i've heard since Twilight came out.
Jackie
07-17-2012
10:57 am
xxx.xxx.xxx2.90
(total posts: 1)
3
42
I think it is funny when people bash Walt for not having a life... he probably makes more money in one year than half these people commenting would make in ten years.
Matt
07-16-2012
08:14 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx36.1
(total posts: 1)
30
3
I figured the Jerk of the Week would be Walt because he has been sticking up for JoePa this whole time. I guess he would rather not bring up that subject now that it was determined JoePa was "integral" to the coverup.
Barack Obama
07-16-2012
06:08 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.119
(total posts: 1)
4
3
Dude:
You really don't have a life, do you? Perhaps an EBT card would help?
Belschner
07-16-2012
01:05 pm
xxx.xxx.xxx.197
(total posts: 1)
20
3
Thanks, my Monday needed that laugh.
Wrong
07-16-2012
09:04 am
xxx.xxx.xxx0.53
(total posts: 1)
12
7
What about Paterno, Spanier, Curley and Schultz? Perhaps you are saving them for a 'Jerk(s) of the year or decade' award.
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More Jerks of the Week:
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
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Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein
2013 Fantasy Football Rankings - May 19
Charlie's 2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 16
2014 NFL Mock Draft - May 15
2013 NBA Mock Draft - May 3
NFL Picks - Feb. 3
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