JERK OF THE WEEK: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials
I have an important announcement to make. I now have a smart device.
For those of you who either know me or have been reading this for a while, this is major news. As I've mentioned, I've had my current phone for nearly half a decade. It's a Samsung Juke - click the link to see a picture of it - and that model is so old that it hasn't been in production in years. In fact, my friend Josh, who sold me the phone back in the summer of 2008, lamented that he couldn't get a replacement for his Juke. And this was back in 2009.
Don't worry though. I haven't replaced my Juke. I refuse to do so, and here's why:
1. I hate learning new things. It takes me so long to adjust. In fact, I'm still discovering features on my Juke. I recently realized that I could text numbers by holding down each number button for a few seconds. I used to either type out the number or go into the menu to switch the texting mode to "123," which was tedious. If I've just learned how to text numbers easily, why would I want to change phones? That's stupid.
2. The link to the Juke picture says the phone costs close to $100. Now when people ask me why I have such an old phone, I can tell them that it's very expensive and in high demand.
3. When I met my sister's boyfriend Rich for the first time, he looked at my phone and marveled, "Wow, is that a Juke!? I always wanted one of those!" This made me feel cool.
4. The Juke flips open, so when people ask, "What the hell kind of a phone is that!?" I can just say, "It's a spy phone. Oh, I'm not a spy! I swear!" Saying this will make people think that I'm really a spy who's trying to hide it, which will make me feel even cooler.
5. I hate complicated things. I can't even boil water, so how am I supposed to figure out a complex smart phone? Awesome Girl Who Loves Football is capable of doing things like Snap Chat and Instagram and Facebook phone stuff and Twitter phone stuff on her iPhone. It looks fun, but I could never figure out something like that.
This is exactly why I refuse to upgrade my phone. So, what's this new smart device, you ask? It's an iPod. I actually found one outside of my house. I thought it was a phone at first. I tried to access it so I could give it back to its owner, but it was password-protected. It's just been sitting on my kitchen counter because I failed to crack the code. My friend Body Burner saw it and identified it as an iPod. And that's when it hit me.
"Holy crap, I have one of those!" I shouted.
Abandoning Body Burner downstairs, I ran up to my office and looked in one of my drawers. And there it was - a brand-new iPod. I received it as a bonus for signing up with Comcast years ago. I didn't know what the hell it was, so I just stuck it in my drawer and went about my business. After watching Awesome Girl Who Loves Football fidget around with her iPhone, I was confident I could do something with this new iPod. Here's what I've figured out:
1. I can check and answer e-mails when I'm at my parents' house or at the airport (or any other place with Internet).
2. I can also check basketball and football scores.
3. There is a "notes" function where I can write stuff down.
That's about it. I'm not sure how to make this iPod play music yet. Maybe I'll get around to it one of these years, but it just seems too complicated for me.
Just even thinking about that actually makes me hate those AT&T "It's Not Complicated" commercials. You've definitely seen at least a few of those. It's where a grown man in a suit is sitting and talking with children.
Having the condescending announcer say, "It's not complicated" is just one of the irritating things about that ad campaign. On top of that, the kids are extremely annoying, and I don't know about you, but I find it very strange that a man in his 30s wants to sit around and chat with children. It's just weird that AT&T would use this idea in the wake of the Jerry Sandusky scandal.
These commercials are on constantly on every single network, so I feel like everyone despises them now. That's why I want to spend this entire Jerks of the Week entry breaking all of them down and ranting about how stupid they are.
This is probably the most famous of the "It's Not Complicated" commercials. If you start waving your hand and head at the same time, most people will reference that ad. So basically, if you look like that while you're having a seizure, you're f***ed because everyone's going to laugh instead of call for help.
I think this brings up a good point. How do we know that the kid - who looks like he could be Russell Wilson's son - isn't actually having a seizure? I mean, look at how his eyes are rolling in the back of his head. There's clearly something wrong with him:
You'd figure that a grown man, even one who likes to hang out with little kids, would know to call an ambulance in this situation. After all, seizures are serious. Yet, this guy keeps wanting to see this seizure. My thinking is that he's racist. He wants the black kid to die. That's why he stopped the blonde girl from having a seizure herself.
There are ramifications from that too, unfortunately. The blonde girl will think that she's unimportant, since the grown man didn't want to see her seizure. She'll consequently have self-esteem issues growing up, and by the time she's 16, she'll sink into a life of sex, drugs and rock and roll.
The fat kid is an a**hole, but let's get to him in a second. The children in these commercials are weird. For example, keep an eye on the gay, blonde kid at the 9-second mark after he lisps "spaththip!" What is he doing with this mouth? It's almost like he wants to kiss the grown man. I'm sure the grown man wouldn't mind that very much.
Also, watch the black girl at the 15-second mark. What the hell is she doing? Is she also having a seizure? If so, what's with all of the black kids having seizures in these ads? It's almost like the president of AT&T is in the KKK or something.
Of course, the highlight of this ad is the fat kid throwing his grandma under the bus. "My grandma's slow!" What a dick. His grandma was probably so happy that her lovely grandson got to star in a commercial, yet he rewarded her by insultinh her thoughtlessly.
Making things worse, the fat kid wants to tape a cheetah to his grandma's back. Uhh... aren't you worried that A) she'll hurt her back, or even worse B) the cheetah will eat her?
Come to think of it, maybe the fat kid didn't mean "cheetah." Maybe he mispronounced that word and really wants to tape a Cheeto to his grandma's back. That way, whenever he's forced to go to his grandparents' house, he can eat Cheetos. That's probably exactly what he's plotting, considering how much of a douche he is.
This girl wants to be nicknamed "Fastey" because "you're fast when you go." OK then. Nice job being creative with that. I look forward to the creative books you'll undoubtedly be publishing when you're older.
Of course, the black kid had to chime in and dub himself "Nicky Flash" because "Nicky" rhymes with "Flash."
I think we can now confirm that the AT&T higher-ups are indeed members of the KKK. I mean, is there any other reasonable explanation? The one black kid they have in their commercials is the dumbest one. That can't be a coincidence, right? I'm sure he knows that "Nicky" doesn't even rhyme with "Flash" - not even almost - so he's obviously reading off a script. The racist AT&T people figured that the black kid would be most believable as the stupid one, so they had him say that.
Unfortunately, this is not the only blatant act of racism in this ad campaign...
Oh wow, so the one Asian kid in the video would rather stay in and play video games than "go big," whatever the hell that means?
What a disgusting stereotype. I hate it when everyone says that all Asians do is stay home and play video games. It's completely untrue. Why, just the other day, I saw an Asian kid playing with his Nintendo DS at the post office. Asian kids can also play video games at the library. People, stop being racist by saying Asians can only play video games at home. It's not cool.
Another stupid black kid? I did not see this one coming. While the other three children came up ideas for this Candy Island place, all the black kid could do was stutter, "What about the animals? What they... what they... what they be made out of?"
Umm... I don't know... Gummy Bears? Gummy Worms? Swedish Fish? You could even reach and say animal crackers.
And what's up with the little girl with the glasses? If she had tons of money, she'd buy an island made out of candy? Why not just go to the grocery store and buy candy? The fact that she would irrationally spend her money like that is probably an indication that she'll never save up enough money to be financially stable - unless, of course, she turns into a gold-digger and marries a wealthy dude. Perhaps she went after the grown man after they stopped filming this commercial. I'm sure he didn't mind too much.
This girl has to win the award for "most annoying human being ever." I hate people who talk way too much, and I hate people who look like fish, so she's incredibly infuriating to watch.
One of the most annoying aspects of these commercials is that it's painfully obvious that the scripts are written for these kids. Just listen to what she says. You should be able to spot what makes it pretty blatant than an adult wrote this for her.
Give up? "And then you'll have to stay in." What the hell does a 6-year-old know about staying in? That's all 6-year-olds do (except Asians, who go to the post office or library). People usually start thinking about going out at around 11 or 12. What's there to do while out at 6? Kids that young are probably better off staying in - especially with creepy people like the grown man lurking around.
OK, so I think we found another candidate for "most annoying human being ever." That poor girl gasping for air... No, she's not the most annoying one!
I know it's difficult to pay attention to anything else while she's droning on and on about wanting more, but look at the kid to the right while she's delivering her speech. He picks his nose and then begins to hit himself over and over again like some crazed lunatic.
I'm beginning to think that this grown man isn't visiting these children at a kindergarten; this is definitely some sort of mental institution. One kid is hitting himself. Another talks about staying in, as if she ever goes out. Another wants "more and more" of something. Another believes that "Nicky" rhymes with "Flash." I can't believe I didn't come to this conclusion earlier.
See what I mean about these children reading off a script? How do they know what a disco is? I could buy maybe one of them knowing if their parents explained it to them, but there's no way four real kids in today's world would bust out dancing with their finger in the air upon hearing the word "disco."
Oh, and I think we finally have a true winner for the "most annoying human being ever." Has anyone ever met anyone more irritating than "the wire and the TV" kid? Seriously, how haven't his parents abandoned him on the side of the road yet? What the hell is he talking about the entire time? Why does he have a TV in his tree house? And what wire is he referring to? And why can't you see the TV because of the wire?
Maybe I'm just stupid. I guess I just don't understand what this douche is talking about because I'm so technologically inept when it comes to wires, phones and anything involving AT&T. And that's exactly why I'm not getting rid of my Juke.