Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013





Jerks of the Week for Aug. 19, 2013


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life

Previously on Jerks of the Week: Jerks of the Jersey Shore: I went down to Ocean City to relax and find some Jerks of the Week material. There were hot chicks at the pool, but I couldn't game them because the stupid little kids there conspired against me, just like they did when they framed Joe Paterno.

I eventually gave up and went to the beach. I was hoping to find tons of Jerks of the Week material there. I set up a blanket near this blonde chick wearing a bikini (black top, pink bottoms). She was digging stuff in the sand and looked pretty hot while bending over. Unfortunately, like one of the women from the pool (Cute Colorful Bikini Girl), she was with her family as well. I hope her family dies in a fire, I muttered to myself in frustration.

I lied back and opened up Adam Carolla's newest book, Not Taco Bell Material. I got through the first chapter, but suddenly realized that I had to take a piss. I could either venture to the boardwalk bathrooms or just urinate in the ocean. Guess which I chose? Hint: I don't know what the inside of the boardwalk bathrooms look like.

If you think that peeing in the ocean is gross, screw you. Taking a piss in the ocean is just as natural as pizza from Italy, tacos from Mexico and STDs from Snooki. Think about it - there are billions of fish, sharks, dolphins, etc. in the ocean. Where do you think they all urinate? It's not like they have bathrooms on the ocean floor. When you take a dip in the ocean, you're actually bathing in fish, shark and dolphin piss. Why not add your own urine to the collection?

I relieved myself and then enjoyed the waves. My favorite thing to do in the ocean - besides pee - is to swim backstroke into a giant wave. You have no idea when it's coming, and you actually fly up the wave and land back into the ocean. It's quite fun. I was doing this for a good 15-20 minutes when I heard the lifeguards blow their whistle repeatedly. I didn't think they were directing this at me until I realized that I was the only one remaining in the ocean. Everyone who was once in there with me was now huddled around the lifeguard stand. Crap. They were actually whistling at me to come in.

Was there some sort of lightning storm? Was a sharknado approaching? I hurried over to discover what the announcement was. I heard the tail end of it: "We advise everyone to stay out of the ocean until tomorrow morning." I asked around what the lifeguards were talking about, and I found out that they were simply telling everyone that because it was 5 p.m., they were officially off duty and that swimming in the ocean was now at everyone's own risk. I then overheard the following exchange between a male lifeguard and some little kid.

Little Kid: Excuth me, can I go back into da ocean?

Lifeguard: I would not even go back into the water, bud!

Ugh. What's the point of lifeguards if people are permitted to swim in the ocean after 5 p.m.? Why even have them in the first place? I understand that women lifeguards tend to be hot - including the blonde who was there at that time (she had great legs) - so that's fine. Just have them wear bikinis and scan the ocean from time to time. There's no need for male lifeguards like this a**hole, who obviously ruined this poor kid's vacation by telling him not to go back into the ocean. I hate kids, but male lifeguards are completely wastes. They don't do any good for this planet and must be eliminated.

Anyway, I spent about another hour on the beach before heading back to the hotel room. I took a shower and got changed, and I went out for a night on the boardwalk...


Pizza Places:

My sister, her boyfriend, my cousin and her husband were due to meet me the following day. My sister would undoubtedly want to go to Prep's Pizza, her favorite pizza joint, so given that I was flying solo Monday night, I figured that I should try all of the other pizza places on the boardwalk.

First up was Manco & Manco, which is known for having the best pizza in New Jersey (though I would disagree). It does get pretty busy though, so I wasn't surprised that there were a bunch of people hovering around the counter. As I discovered though, many of these individuals had already ordered; they were just standing there and waiting for their slices, all while confusing the hell out of people who actually wanted to place their own orders.

A fat girl and I figured this out. We pushed people out of the way and eventually made our way to the counter. Being a perfect gentleman, I allowed her to go first. She asked for two slices of pepperoni. I then opened my mouth to tell the albino chick behind the counter what I wanted when this woman in her late 30s shoved me aside and shouted, "Sorry, my kids are really hungry!" The albino chick then took her order before mine.

As a fat man, this greatly pissed me off. Who cares about your damn kids, lady? What have they accomplished in life besides bring misery and disease to all those around them? The worst part of it is, these kids are going to grow up to be just as rude as their b***h mother, so perhaps it's for the best that they die of starvation. "Sorry my kids are really hungry..." wow, I still can't believe she justified cutting in front of me with that excuse.

Oh, and it didn't stop with this woman. The albino chick then took the order of a Mexican guy who slyly found his way to the counter. After all of this, she turned to me. I guess she could tell that I gave her a dirty look because when I asked for napkins, she only gave one as opposed to the 4-5 she handed to the b***h mom and the Mexican man.

My next stop was Three Brothers. I ordered a slice of plain and was told that it would be $3.75. What!? Nearly four bucks for one slice of pizza? Manco & Manco charged $2.50, and that even seemed to be too much. I know I'm spoiled by my local pizza joint, Station Pizza, which charges $6 for a large pie (or $4.50 per large pie for three or more), so $3.75 is ridiculous, right? Well, the slice that Three Brothers gave me was massive. The top third of it was falling off my plate. I had to hold the plate near my face and bite into it to keep it from dropping to the ground. This worked well at first, but eventually I found myself biting the actual plate, which was not fun - even for a fat man like myself.

The weird thing about Three Brothers Pizza is that they have a pair of shops located one block away from each other. Manco & Manco has three locations on the boardwalk, but they're at least separated by 2-3 blocks. The two Three Brothers Pizza joints were right next to each other. Perhaps only obese people eat there because their slices are so massive, so Three Brothers Pizza is just catering to their customers because obese people have difficulty walking? I think that's quite possible.

My third destination was Walt's Original Primo Pizza. There was one other guy in front of me, a chubby Asian dude in his early 20s. He ordered and then I asked for a plain slice. As the woman put both of our slices in the oven, the Asian man looked in my direction. He then pushed me aside and grabbed the canister of parmesan cheese for himself.

What the hell? It's not like I was even reaching for it, but still, was he that obsessed with parmesan cheese that he needed to hold it in his hands before his food arrived? Fortunately, the woman gave the pizza slice to me before Parmesan Asian Man, who looked at me with complete hatred. How do you like that karma, Parmesan Asian Man a**hole?


Hamburger Construction Company:

Three slices of pizza (including one enormous one) might be enough for an average person, but I'm extremely fat, so I needed more food. When I was peeing swimming in the ocean, I spied a placed called Hamburger Construction Company. I craved a cheeseburger ever since, so I planned to make it the final destination on my eating tour.

I walked in and immediately noticed that there were no customers. I heard the employees talking before I entered, but they all immediately quieted down as I approached the counter and sat down. They remained silent for several minutes, with the lone exception being the blonde asking me for my order (one cheeseburger with nothing on it). Was this some sort of shady operation? Was this place a front for a drug cartel, or something? Perhaps calling it Cocaine Construction Company would be too obvious.

Minutes later, I heard some shouting. A grizzled, old man I hadn't seen before was yelling at the pick-up counter.

Old Man: Why's this taking so damn long!?

Manager: Sir, it's only been five minutes. It takes seven minutes to cook a cheeseburger.

Old Man: I could've had open-heart surgery by the time it takes you to cook my burger!

Manager: Sir, this is a normal process...

A minute later, the manager handed the cheeseburger to the old man.

Manager: Sorry for the delay, sir.

Old Man: Bite me!

The old man stormed away upon shouting that. It was for the best because the employees were more talkative and jovial after that. They spent the entire time mimicking him and laughing at him.

My cheeseburger was delicious, by the way, but the best part of the experience was a brunette waitress with amazing legs who was standing behind the counter the entire time. I could've sworn she muttered something to me at one point. I asked her "what did you say?" twice, but all she had to say in response was "never mind."

Damn it. My thinking is that she said, "Where are you staying so I can sneak into your hotel room and rape you tonight?" Ugh, why couldn't she just have repeated herself!?





Various Shops:

What's a trip to the Jersey Shore without a bit of shopping? My plan was to buy a book or a magazine for the beach the following day as well as some cool t-shirts. This turned out to be a futile strategy, however, because there were no longer any bookstores on the boardwalk. There were three when I visited in 2011, but they are now all gone.

I think that's sad. There's some nostalgia factor there - when I was a kid, I used to have my mom buy me the latest Choose Your Own Adventure or Goosebumps book, and I'd have a blast reading it. But I feel like the greater issue is the status of our society. Have people been dumbed down enough that they refuse to read books? Seriously, there can't be one freaking bookstore on the boardwalk? Can't they remove one of the 500 t-shirt stores and have one bookstore there instead? Is it really necessary to have 10 t-shirt stores on every single block of the boardwalk?

Speaking of t-shirt stores, I bought three awesome t-shirts for myself: one Breaking Bad one with a drawing of Walter White; one of Tyrion Lannister that says "[P] IMP" beneath his picture; and one amusing shirt about having to work so I can pay people's welfare. I took these shirts to the counter to find that the girl working there had one arm. Her entire right arm was cut off from her elbow down. She was cute, but I was taken by surprise and didn't know how to react. I mistakenly slipped up while speaking to her.

One-Armed Girl: How are you today?

Me: Arm doing very well, thank you? I mean, I'm doing well, how arm you doing? I mean...

I didn't mean to do this, but I was flustered. I also mistakenly tried to hand her my two $20 bills to her right hand. To her credit, she didn't seem annoyed by this. She actually handled the money impressively well by holding it between her stub and her upper arm.

I then went into another store that sold - surprise - more t-shirts. They had other things as well, including specialized keychains with people's names on them. I looked for a "Walter" keychain, but there weren't any. Of course not. There are never any Walter items available for sale. I remember looking for them as a kid, and being extremely disappointed that I had such an odd name.

I continued to scan the keychains... they had a "Wyatt" keychain and a "Landon" keychain and a "Sierra" keychain and an "Autumn" keychain and a "Jayden" keychain. Jayden's not even a real name! I scoured the entire rack again to see if I simply missed the "Walter" keychain when I overheard this fat woman constantly mutter "Cock-a-lee spaniel, Cock-a-lee-spaniel, Cock-a-lee spaniel" over and over to herself.

F*** the "Walter" keychain; I had to get out of there because I was convinced she'd take out an automatic weapon and shoot all of the customers because her cock-a-lee spaniel told her to.







Religious Nutjobs:

I eventually thought it was time to head back to the hotel. I had to avoid this long line for ice cream at one spot on the boardwalk, so I stepped to the side and - CRUNCH!

A wagon, wheeling a little baby around, ran over my foot. I yelled "F***!" when the mother of this child confronted me.

"I'm sorry for running over your foot, but please refrain from using that type of language around children."

I would've yelled, "f*** you, lady," in response, but my foot hurt too damn much. Plus, I was appalled by this behavior. Maybe you should just carry your kid instead of wheeling him around in a heavy wagon, skank. I'm telling you, kids bring nothing but disease and misery.

I had to sit down to make sure my foot wasn't broken or anything. I was playing around with it when I overheard these three tall black dudes holler, "Turnip! Turnip!" toward a trio of girls who looked like they were 13. The girls looked at the black dudes and laughed, but then continued on their way.

What the hell does "turnip, turnip" mean? Is this some cool new catchphrase that the kids are using nowadays? Everyone knows that black guys are cooler than white guys - remember, these dudes were tall, so they must have been NBA players - so looking back on it, perhaps I should have returned to Hamburger Construction Company and said "turnip, turnip" to the waitress with the hot legs. Perhaps she would have sexually assaulted me after all. I only say "perhaps" because I'm a white guy; not a cool black guy.

I finally felt up to walking back to my hotel room. I would've made it back in about five minutes, but I saw something that made me pause. An obese man was drawing something on a florescent board. The words "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?" were written on one corner. I thought this was some sort of game show, so I stood around and listened.

Thirty seconds in, it was quite apparent that this was not a game show at all. The fat man preached about absolving sins and whatnot, and he also wrote, "Are you going to heaven or hell?" on the board. He also drew a cross. If you don't believe me, here's proof:



I stood around and watched in amusement as this guy shouted the most ridiculous things, like we were all going to hell because we didn't absolve our sins. He was a typical religious nutjob. After about 10 minutes, I had enough. I turned around and began to walk away when I was confronted by an average-looking woman in her 20s. She had a southern accent and introduced herself as Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Were y'all interested in what this kind man was talkin' about?

Me: Well, I enjoyed his enthusiasm...

Elizabeth: Do y'all believe that we all have souls, and that we are all goin' to heaven if we absolve our sins?

Me: You know, I'm not smart enough to believe if there are souls are not.

Elizabeth: Y'all not smart enough to believe if y'all have a soul?

Me: Well, I don't think anyone really knows. We can choose to believe this stuff, and I think people want to believe so much that they think it's the case, but how can anyone possibly know?

Elizabeth: Well, let me ask, have y'all accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?

Me: Not really.

Elizabeth: But y'all know what Jesus Christ did for you, Walter?

Oh, boy... time to get a little snarky.

Me: Yeah, he turned water into wine and stuff.

Elizabeth: And he got crucified... y'all know what crucifixion means, right?

Me: Yeah, there was like a cross and stuff.

Elizabeth: Have y'all read the Bible, Walter?

Me: Nope.

Elizabeth: If I give you a Bible, will y'all read it tonight, Walter?

Me: Nah, it's OK, if anything I'll look it up and read the important bits on Wikipedia.

Elizabeth: Is there anythin' y'all need prayin' about for tonight, Walter?

Me: Well, outside of girl issues, I don't really have a care in the world, so I'm OK.

Elizabeth: I'll pray for y'all, but one last question, Walter. Do y'all really believe that there's a possibility that we as human beins' have no souls? I want to give y'all a pamphlet describin' why we all have souls.

Ugh. I hate people like this. It's one thing to believe in something without any persecution. That's what this country is all about. It's another thing, however, to shove religion down someone else's throat and go all out to convert them. People like Elizabeth and her fat cohort are the scum of the Earth, so I made it my goal to f*** with her the best I could.

Me: I do have one hang-up with this soul issue though... eventually people will have eternal life on this planet, so what will happen to heaven if no new souls enter?

Elizabeth: What do y'all mean by eternal life on this planet?

Me: Well, I'm not supposed to be telling you this, but I'm a scientist who works for Graystone Industries. We're currently building this Cylon technology that takes brain enzymes from humans and traps them into a computer. We can then download this brain activity into robots and androids, and whatnot, to essentially give people eternal life.

Elizabeth: Uhh... are y'all serious...? How close are y'all to completin' this science project?

Me: Very close, actually! There are a couple of issues we're still dealing with, but our founder, Daniel Graystone, is confident that we'll have the project complete by the year 2025.

Elizabeth: But... but... people can still die... science can't stop that...

Me: Sure, but if they choose to, they can store their brain activity in the computer, so if they meet an untimely demise, they'll just be able to go back to their previous "save point," if you will. Thus, no one will ever die ever again.

Elizabeth: But... but... there are gonna be lots of people in the world if no one dies...

Me: Not true, actually. Soon enough, the sun's radiation is going to make it impossible for people to conceive. That's why the government is funding Graystone Industries. They know what's coming, so they want to be prepared.

Elizabeth: Well... uhh... well... I'll... uhh... I'll... pray for y'all... and your Graysmith Science...

Me: That's Graystone - and thank you!

I wish I could show you how terrified this woman was. She looked like she was about to cry. Her entire belief system was about to be blown up because of this fictional Graystone Industries.

You know, it wouldn't surprise me at all if she, her fat cohort and all of their followers Googled "Graystone Industries" to find out where it's located so they could bomb it. Too bad they won't be able to find Caprica on a map.

If you're a billionaire reading this, please help develop this Cylon technology so religious nutjobs like Elizabeth can go away. As an added bonus, we'll all live forever. Oh, and there won't be any more kids, which means no more misery and disease!




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Jerks of the Week - Nov. 6, 2017: I Have a Beautiful Figure Again
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Jerks of the Week - Sept. 18, 2017: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland, 2017. Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 11, 2017: Jerks of Ocean City, Maryland, 2017. Part 1
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 4, 2017: Pathetic Jokester, Conspiracy Theorist and Hot Tub A**hole
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Jerks of the Week - Aug. 21, 2017: Walt Goes to Vegas, 2017, Part 4: Expensive and Mysterious Food
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Jerks of the Week - May 29, 2017: Plagiarism Accusations
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Jerks of the Week - May 4, 2015: Puppy-Training Classes
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Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2015: Jerry Jackson
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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 19


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5



 





 

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