Back in 10th grade, I took a computer class in which they taught us how to use this new technology called a "word processor." It was pretty revolutionary stuff. You'd type things on a keyboard, and it would appear on the computer! No more entering commands to tell a turtle how to draw shapes like we had to in grade school...
...this was legit 21st-century technology we were working with! I'll never forget the valuable lessons I learned in that class. This includes the difference between cut and copy; how to change your font; and even how to configure page layouts! I've also remembered something my teacher, a depressed, mustachioed man in his 60s, once told us:
"The older you get, the quicker time flies by."
I scoffed at this. Every day in 10th grade seemed like an eternity. It began with a Calc II class, where I just sat in the back next to Ron Harper's nephew and was confused the whole time, and didn't bother asking questions because my teacher hated my guts. I then went to English, a.k.a. nap time. French came after that, where all I did was hit on this cute Vietnamese girl, who rejected me about a dozen times. Chemistry was next, and all I did there was hit on this cute blonde girl, who rejected me about two dozen times. After that, I had lunch, then computer class, and then computer programming class, which was an elective. My teacher there was the same guy I had for Calc II. He would shake his head as I entered his class and chuckle, "How are those Calculus problems going, Walter? Will you ever get anything higher than a C in that class?"
Tenth grade was torture, but it also feels like it occurred just yesterday. Indeed, my suicidal computer teacher was right; the older you get, the faster time flies by. This past year was a blur. I remember ringing in the New Year like it was yesterday; I invited people over to my house, but excluding my girlfriend, no one really showed up and stuck around for a while. We even took a nap. That's how exciting we are.
Still though, it's crazy that this is my final Jerks entry of 2014. I'm sure 2015 will zoom by even quicker, so I wanted to do a recap of 2014. I initially planned to look at Wikipedia's 2014 page as well as the Jerks of the Week archives to do my 2014 "Year in Review," but all the former had were boring notes, like: "Feb. 10, 2014: Leona, the Princess of Gotland is born." WTF is Gotland? I'm pretty sure some a**hole vandalized the 2014 page and wrote about this made-up country, much like someone did when they made Dez Bryant the owner of the Philadelphia Eagles:
Luckily, Twitter did a "Year in Review" itself, so I'll compare their more-relevant timeline with Jerks of the Week to discuss all of the great and awful things that happened in 2014...
Let's just skip January. It was a terrible month because I watched Just Wright, one of the worst movies ever made. I'm still having nightmares about a basketball player's career being in jeopardy because he wouldn't be able to make it back for the playoffs, only to have him make a miraculous recovery from a torn PCL in just a couple of months.
Everything else in January seems like a blur because of Just Wright. That's how terrible that film was. I sure as hell hope my suicidal computer teacher didn't watch that movie, or he would have hanged himself halfway through.
Seeing Bob Costas get one of the worst cases of pink eye in the history of humanity brought an everlasting smile to my face. I was hoping Costas' eyes would explode so that we wouldn't have to hear him tell us how awful humanity is during his Sunday Night Football halftime speeches. Alas, he made a quick recovery.
Not enough was made of the Costas pink eye story. How did he contract such a bad case anyway? Here's my theory: Bob was taking a stroll one day when a shady guy grabbed him and dragged him into an alley. He demanded money from Costas, who proceeded to tell this thug why he shouldn't support the Washington Redskins. The thug became so outraged that he did something drastic. Sharing Matt Millen's affinity for inserting kielbasas into backsides, he whipped out his kielbasa and inserted it into Costas' eye.
That's what I hope happened. Costas has tortured us for years, so it's about time that he got a taste of his own medicine.
Twitter reminded me that a bunch of a**holes took a picture of themselves in March:
I'm terrible with celebrities, so I only recognize three people in this picture. There's Kevin Spacey in the back middle; Brad Pitt is to Spacey's left; and Justin Bieber is to the right of some bearded guy.
I remember this picture trending on Twitter, and upon seeing it again, I recall how much it pissed me off. I find celebrities irrelevant, and I hate selfies. I dedicated a whole jerks entry to how it pisses me off. Anyone who takes selfies is a self-absorbed a**hole. Unless you're a hot chick showing off your body, no one gives a damn about your crappy pictures.
Body Burner: Your Jerk of the Year? It's only April.
Me: It was that bad.
Body Burner: So you don't think anything worse can happen over the next eight months?
Me: Nope. Nothing. I don't care if there's another 9-11 attack; nothing is worse than the finale of that show.
Lo and behold, I was right. Noting else came close to being as bad as the How I Met Your Mother finale. It might even be Jerk of the Decade.
I didn't write about anything remarkable in Jerks of the Week during the month of May. Nothing really happened on Twitter, save for this:
I have no idea what Cannes is, but a hot chick getting a picture taken of her is always noteworthy. At least she's not taking a picture of herself; otherwise, she'd have to be half-naked for it to not be completely stupid.
There was a "major" event for a boring spot that took place this month, which had everyone pretending that they liked watching it because they didn't want to be left off the bandwagon. But writing about soccer is almost as bad as watching it, so let's move on to something else before I fall asleep.
June was a noteworthy month for two reasons. First, I lost my driver's license and had to go to the DMV, where I witnessed government ineptitude at its finest. I shudder to think what would happen if the government ran businesses - even something like McDonald's. If you went into a government-run McDonald's, you'd have to wait two hours to hear your number called, and you'd get a double cheeseburger instead of the Chicken McNuggets you ordered. You could file an appeal, but your order would take weeks to correct.
Second, at long last, the Girl Meets World premiere occurred, and I cried because it was so terrible. I've watched every single episode ever since; not that I like to torture myself, but I'm holding out hope that it'll improve. It has gotten a little bit better, especially when they've brought back old characters, including Harley Keiner, who in a touching moment, apologized to Cory for bullying him and calling him Johnny Baboon throughout high school. Of course, it's easy to become remorseful when you go from looking this cool...
...To looking this old:
The problem with the show, however, continues to be the main character, Riley Matthews. She's just so damn annoying. The girl playing her is a terrible actress, and her character is just too cheery and hopeful. It's sickening. My girlfriend agrees. "She needs her soul to be crushed," she said. I told her she was right on the money. I think Riley's best friend and the guy she likes need to hook up in one episode - there's definitely some major chemistry between them, so it would work - and that would hopefully transform Riley into an actual human being. Unfortunately, Girl Meets World is on the Disney Channel, so that'll never happen. Ugh, why couldn't these idiots put this show on ABC Family?
My girlfriend and I vacationed in Tampa, so as far as I know, nothing happened in the real world.
My birthday, the Mike Brown shooting, the Ice Bucket Challenge, Robin Williams' death, and the finale of True Blood, all in one month. What a busy August!
I'm 32 now, so I'm not a fan of my birthdays anymore. True Blood sucked at the end. I never did the Ice Bucket Challenge because no one challenged me to do it (screw all of you). Robin Williams will be missed, but he killed himself, so f*** him for being selfish. I wanted Mrs. Doubtfire II, damn it.
As for Mike Brown, I never really cared about that story, which is why I never wrote about it. I didn't understand the outcry about it; in fact, I thought the overreaction to it was more significant. Only a handful of people know what occurred in the confrontation with the police officer, so the outcry in which people pretended that they knew what transpired was absolutely ridiculous and reeked of either racism or idiotic white guilt.
Here's what we do know: Mike Brown was a criminal. Cameras caught him stealing cigars and assaulting a store clerk in the process. He may have tried to kill the cop, or he may have just been a victim. No one really knows. But I think building a memorial a known criminal who may have assaulted a police officer is a joke. Maybe I'll go steal some candy bars from Wawa and punch one of the workers on the way out so people can construct a statue of me as well.
OH NO EBOLA IS GOING TO KILL US OMG OMG OMG WHAT DO WE DOO AHHHHHHHH!!!
So much for that.
Mario Lopez, also known as A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell, starred in an infomercial where he basically came out of the closet (not that there's anything wrong with that). This blew my mind, and it did the same for my friend/former neighbor/fantasy league member Drew, who texted me the day I posted that entry:
"Isn't it bad enough you take every f***ing player I try to pick up? Or bad enough the Birds lost yesterday? But now thanks to you I believe Mario Lopez is gay! My world has been shattered as I too watched Saved by the Bell."
Mario Lopez is a monster for tricking us all. A gay monster. A gay monster who likes kielbasas in the buttocks. However, I do have good news: With my girlfriend's help, I bought enough stickers to claim a free lasagna pan!
Oh, and let's not forget about the Ferguson riots. Watching idiots run around like savages, burning buildings and stealing from people who had nothing to do with the Mike Brown decision, was highly amusing. If these rioters had any intelligence, they would have raided the police station. They could've had some people burn buildings down, drawing the cops out of the station. The remaining rioters could've then stormed the station - they would've outnumbered the police by a wide margin - stole all of the guns out of the weapons lockers and then picked off the cops in the streets.
Instead, what did they do? Burn down churches and Mom & Pop shops! Steal flat-screen TVs! Light cars on fire! Good job, morons, way to destroy your own town and get caught on camera in the process.
Kim Jong-un hired a bunch of 13-year-old pimply faced teens to threaten Sony, prompting the company to cancel the Interview. America responded by shutting down North Korea's Internet. Kim Jong-un? More like Kim Jong-lulz.
Cops killed more criminals, leading to more unfounded outrage on Twitter and smelly hipsters flooding the streets in protest. The ugly Eric Garner video leaked as well. That one was actually bad, though Garner shouldn't have sold untaxed cigarettes, and he shouldn't have resisted arrest. The police went too far on that one - of course, the media conveniently ignored the fact that the cop who ordered the choke hold was black - but it just goes to show that if you steal from Uncle Sam, he will f*** you up the a**hole (or choke the s*** out of you). If you're an aspiring criminal, take note of this. Whatever you do, don't steal from the government. You can rob stores, kill non-cops and eat children, but if you take from the government, they will come after you.
Other criminals killed cops, to the delight of race-baiter/troll Al Sharpton, who would be in prison for tax evasion if he were white. This prompted tweets like...
So... if the killer wasn't black, he would be deserving of your kudos, then? A white cop-killer doesn't get your kudos? Sounds like you are racist, miss! I'll also assume that if someone breaks into your house and tries to rape you, you won't dial 911 because you hate cops, right?
Some moron with the handle @thunderclap posted this:
While #NYPDLivesMatter, lets not forgot that they forced Eric Garner to say 'I can't breathe before he died. As sad as it was, its karma
Karma? What's so karmic about it? If the two cops who were killed were the ones who shot Mike Brown/Antonio Martin, the burglar, or choked Eric Garner, sure, it would have been karmic. If all police officers in the entire world operated in a hive mind like the Borg, it would have been karmic. But these two officers had nothing to do with those deaths. There's nothing karmic about them dying. Karma might even be the last word in the English language any intelligent person would use to describe this!
Argh, I can't take it anymore. This level of stupidity just pisses me off, and it's why I've avoided writing about all of these scandals until now. But I'm sure people will do other stupid things in 2015. Time will fly by, and before I know it, I'll be here to complain about all of it at the end of next year.