I'm sure this won't surprise you, but I run into tons of jerks. Yes, it's true. In fact, I see so many people/things worth writing about in Jerks of the Week that I write down notes in my Microsoft Word page. In fact, I have 20 pages' worth of unused jerks material in my document. Yes, let me capitalize that and spell it out - TWENTY pages' worth of jerks notes.
I'd break these notes down into the three categories. The first is comprised of material I can recall from my childhood that I'll perhaps put into a book, or something. An example of this was that a friend of mine, as a high school freshman, sparked a huge controversy when he was caught peeking down this hot Mexican chick's cleavage. Now, I used to do this all the time - still do - and I made it so blatant that I might as well have been using binoculars, so I didn't understand why everyone was up in arms. In fact, I criticized him for not staring at the Mexican chick's cleavage enough. In fact, if smartphones were invented back then, I would've asked for pictures!
The second group of notes is random crap that I probably won't ever use. For example, these three items are written down as part of a list near the bottom of the page:
Ant debacles bug
My stomach (uncle says you're fat)
The "ant debacles bug" thing occurred when I was hanging out with my friend Steve at my parents' house. We were just sitting outside when I saw this ant approach a bug that appeared to be dead. The bug, sensing the ant, flipped over, but the ant wouldn't have it. It jumped on the bug, killed it, and then proceeded to carry it back to its colony. The ant was a jerk, but also a complete badass, and it was one of the coolest things I had ever seen. It was completely random though, so I didn't know how to write about it.
Owen Wilson? I'm not sure why he's there, but he must have done something to piss me off. By the way, I have a theory that Owen and Luke Wilson are the same person; the blond hair is obviously a wig. If you're skeptical, answer me this: Why haven't we ever seen Owen and Luke Wilson at the same time? It's like Mary, Kate, and Ashley Olsen. Everyone says there are three, but we've only seen two, maximum. That's why my other crackpot theory is that the Olsens are twins; not triplets.
As for my stomach, I was putting on some weight, and I knew it. However, no one said anything about it - until my nuncle pointed to my stomach and shouted, "Hey, you're fat!" Unfortunately, he passed away from lung cancer a few years ago, so I haven't been able to write that entry.
The third group of notes is stuff I plan on using in the immediate future. I had several things written down from October, but haven't been able to use them because of the multiple weddings and Halloween festivities I attended. I thought they were more topical, so I stored my other notes for a rainy day.
Unfortunately, sometimes my notes are indecipherable. If I'm out and try to type quickly into my phone, what I write occasionally makes no sense. For instance, my girlfriend and I went out with her family to Mad Mex for her birthday back in late September. It was a fun night, and as an added bonus, I spotted numerous jerks worth writing about. I typed this into my phone that night...
Dark in mad mex. Pepsi coke. Guy in bathroom. Hostess skirt. Missing sidas. Queso bowl of. Girls face so busted id wear that too
...but I'm not sure what this completely means. After showing this to my girlfriend and thinking about it, I'm going to do my best to reconstruct the night.
"Dark in mad mex"
I suppose this is self-explanatory. You might be thinking, "Hey, you idiot, it's dark in almost every restaurant, so why bother writing this down?"
I'm not exaggerating when I say this, but it was egregiously dark in Mad Mex. In fact, the lighting was so poor that I actually had to whip out my phone and use it as a flashlight to look at the menu. I'm not joking - I actually did this.
I don't get why restaurants feel the need to do this. I've heard several theories on the matter. One is that restaurants aspire to have a certain ambiance, but I think anyone who uses "ambiance" in a sentence is a pretentious douchebag. And yes, I'm quite aware that I just used it in a sentence. What, you don't think I'm aware that I'm a pretentious douchebag? Come on, I'm not that oblivious.
Another theory is that restaurants don't want their patrons to see what they're eating, so that they don't feel bad about ordering dessert. That actually makes more sense to me. Restaurants are a business, so if they want to swindle people out of money, I fully support it. Capitalism works. It's what our country has been founded on, and it's why we don't trade livestock for currency like Paraguay, Uruguay, or some of those other African countries. If we stop being capitalists, like the losers in that Occupy Wall Street protest want us to do - is that pointless thing still going on? - we'll quickly become poor and have to trade chickens and cows ourselves, which sounds like the most horrifying thing in the world to me.
A third theory I've come across is that restaurants keep it dark so that they can poison someone without that customer realizing it. I think this theory makes the most sense to me. In fact, if I owned a restaurant, I'm sure I'd like to poison lots of people, so I think I'd adjust the lighting to a similar setting.
One of the things that pisses me off most about going to restaurants is when I ask the waiter for a Pepsi. They always reply, "Is Coke OK?" The opposite is true, too. I prefer Pepsi, but if I'm just lazy and ask for a Coke, they respond, "Is Pepsi OK?"
I can't remember which class I learned this in, but waiters are legally obligated to ask their customers if they want the appropriate beverages. Otherwise, their establishment could actually get sued. I know, it's ridiculous, but that's what our country has devolved into. There are a**holes who just sit around and wait to sue anyone at their earliest convenience as a get-rich-quick scheme; believe me, I know, given that my girlfriend is a paralegal. I'll never forget about the case I heard elsewhere when a burglar sued a homeowner because he stepped on glass and cut up his foot while trying to steal stuff. They deemed that the homeowner had "unsafe conditions" for the burglar and awarded the burglar $2.5 million.
OK, I made that up, but it totally could've happened. In fact, I'm sure it did. That's how horrible our legal system is. Morons can sue McDonald's for coffee being too hot. That actually did happen.
At any rate, the Coke-Pepsi thing pisses me off because I never get it right. Not once have I ever dined at a restaurant and guessed whether they had the correct beverage. I always hear, "Is Coke/Pepsi OK?" You'd figure it's a 50-50 proposition, but I've never been right about it. I don't know how that's possible, as the odds of being wrong every time are astronomical. I swear, it's a conspiracy against me. The Lords of the Restaurants, the people who own all the restaurants in the U.S., must have my picture in their lair, and during their monthly meetings, they all laugh and discuss how stupid I am for not being able to guess right.
"Guy in bathroom"
I'm a germ freak, so I have to wash my hands prior to eating if I touch anything, including money, car keys, my wang while looking at lesbian porn, etc. This occasion was no different, and I also had to take a leak, so I excused myself.
I took a piss and then went to the sink to wash my hands. I noticed this mustachioed dude who appeared to be my age standing behind me. He wasn't doing anything besides staring at me. He did this the entire time, and I finally had to ask him what his deal was.
Me: What's going on?
Creepy Guy: Just hanging out in the bathroom.
Creepy Guy: Yeah.
WTF? Why are you hanging out in dudes' bathrooms? I just had to ask.
Creepy Guy: I feel so bloated. Don't you ever get the feeling that you just have to hang out in the bathroom when you're bloated?
Me: No, not really.
Creepy Guy: Oh...
Uhh... what? I've never had the urge to hang out in the men's bathroom - not at any point in my life. I get the feeling that this guy wanted to suck my wang. I guess that's flattering, but with lesbian porn awaiting me at home, my wang had more pressing matters to attend to.
The hostess was this chick who was either Indian or Mexican. It was hard to tell what she was exactly, but she had a ridiculous body. She was wearing this skirt that was basically riding up her a**. It was effectively something you'd expect a strip-club hostess to wear. I don't know how she got away with that outfit, but her body was so hot that I guess the manager of the restaurant felt as though it would hurt his employees' morale if he told her to dress more conservatively.
I wasn't the only one to notice this. Every single person in our party commented on her outfit at one point or another. Unfortunately, it was so dark that no one could actually see up her skirt at any point. Ugh, stupid Lords of Restaurants and their plan to poison people.
I've asked multiple people what this could possibly mean, but no one had any idea. I don't even know if it's supposed to say "Missing sodas" or "missing sides." And no, I didn't have a lot to drink. That was the most depressing part. I was driving, so I just drank whatever I didn't order between Pepsi or Coke. Being drunk would at least be a consolation, but this is just downright sad.
"Queso bowl of"
I don't know why I wrote "Queso bowl of" instead of "Queso bowl," but I definitely remember what this was all about.
Whenever I go out to a Mexican restaurant, I always order a bowl of queso. My girlfriend makes fun of me for it.
"You should just ask the waitress for a straw," she always says.
I laugh in response, but secretly cry on the inside; I'd love to just drink queso, but this would be frowned upon. Seriously though, I don't get why you can't get a queso beverage. Liquid cheese is one of the greatest things of all time; it's delicious AND nutritious. You should just be able to order it in a glass. If I ever get to join the Lord of Restaurants, I will make this one of the items on the menu.
Anyway, I ordered a bowl of queso to go along with my tacos. What I like to do is scoop queso into my tacos to complement the shredded cheese already in there. It's one of the best things I do. The waiter, however, seemed to think that he knows about food more than I do.
Waiter: Sir, the waffle fries you ordered comes with queso.
Waiter: I just thought you could use the queso from the waffle fries as the queso you want.
Me: Uhh... why would I do that?
Waiter: Well, I just thought that the extra bowl of queso would be redundant.
Me: Redundant? Why? I want a bowl of queso, and the queso from the waffle fries won't be enough.
The waiter looked at me strangely, and even some of the people in my party were confused about it. Sure enough, the queso from the waffle fries was mostly used up by the time everyone was done. Then, my bowl of queso came out with my tacos, and I looked like the smartest man in the room. I smugly scooped the queso into my tacos - though I was secretly depressed that I couldn't drink it directly.
Girls face so busted id wear that too
My girlfriend's sister said this. For whatever reason, the lights turned on briefly at Mad Mex. It was only for like two minutes, but it was enough to actually see what was going on.
A few things stood out:
X1. I saw what I was eating, and it was a lot - yet, I still ordered dessert. I am a fat man, so would you expect anything else from me?
X2. There was no poison in my food. I can confirm that. I know what poison in food looks like, and there definitely was no poison.
X3. The hot-looking hostess walked by, and we all learned that she was anything but. Her body was still great, but her face was disgusting. That's what prompted my girlfriend's sister to say, "That girl's face is so busted, I'd wear that, too."
And that's when we learned the real reason it was so dark in Mad Mex. The Lord of the Restaurant who happened to own this particular Mad Mex didn't want anyone to see this girl's face; otherwise, everyone would lose their appetite.
Well, everyone except for me. I would never lose my appetite. Because I am a fat man.