If people were smart enough to elect me President of the United States, I believe I would make all the smart choices. I'd create jobs, end all homelessness and deport anyone who annoyed me. I would take all the necessary measures to ensure that the United States remains the best country in the world.
However, just as I imagine myself to be the second-best president of all time - after David Palmer, of course - I think of this scenario: All of the living five-star generals lead me to a room with two buttons. One button says: "Nuke all of the terrorists." The other button says, "Nuke all self-entitled, spoiled, douche-bag children." The generals look at me and say, "You can only push one button because we only have enough nukes to get rid of one particular group." And that's when I'd realize I don't want to be president anymore.
I imagine that would be quite the pickle. It honestly would be a very difficult decision, and I'd have to think deeply of the repercussions of allowing the group I don't nuke to live. However, every time I run that scenario through my head, I ultimately do the same thing. I make the right choice.
I nuke all of the self-entitled, spoiled, douche-bag children.
Now, if you disagree with me, that means one of two things: 1) You were a self-entitled, spoiled, douche-bag child who has grown up, or 2) You happen to be a parent of a self-entitled, spoiled, douche-bag child who happens to be in favor of giving out participation trophies. If it's the latter, congratulations on being an utterly s***ty parent!
I'd like to share a story with you. I went to the gym for one of my Saturday, mile-long swims. There was one person in each lane, but as I was stretching, the guy in one particular lane looked at me and said, "I'm done in two laps."
Awesome, I thought. By the time I was finished stretching, he'd be done his workout, and I could hop into a lane by myself.
As he pushed off the wall, two girls emerged from the women's locker room. They were teeny-bopper chicks who couldn't have been older than 12 or 13. They were both wearing bikinis, so they obviously weren't there for a serious workout; it's likely that they came to the gym with one of their parents, who told them to go mess around in the pool.
And mess around in the pool they did, but not before pilfering my lane. As the guy got out of the pool, the two girls hopped into that lane just as I was about to. I was pissed.
"Hey, I was about to get into that lane," I said, clearly frustrated.
The two girls just laughed and began splashing each other.
Whatever. I jumped into their lane with the intention of bulldozing through them if they got in my way. They finally acknowledged me.
Teeny Bopper: Hey, this is our lane, you can't be in here!
Me: The guy told me I could use this after he was done, so I was waiting for him to get out before you got in here.
Teeny Bopper: Well, there's two of us, and only one of you, so go use another lane!
What the f*** is this? What did she mean "our lane?" and "there's two of us, and only one of you?" How does that logic hold up? Does that mean if I showed up with five of my buddies to an amusement park, we could cut in front of everyone by shouting, "There's six of us, and only one of you!?"
Fortunately, I didn't have to fight about it because an old man in the adjacent lane somehow escaped death and managed to complete his swim, so I was able to work out there. Still, it pissed me off that they felt like it was their right to occupy that particular lane without even asking me, since it was clear that I was waiting for the person in there to get out of the pool.
The good news in all of this is that the teeny boppers got what was coming to them. Some fit-looking dude who was about 17 or 18 showed up, and he jumped into my lane when I was done. The girls were clearly smitten with him, and they bombarded him with questions, preventing him from getting in a workout. Eventually one of the teeny boppers grabbed the other by the hand and screeched, "I have to go to the bathroom!" so they both raced into the locker room. The dude looked at some random guy in the next lane and said, "Thank God they're gone, they're so f***ing annoying."
If only I planted a tape recorder there. I would've played it for the teeny boppers after they came back to the pool, and then I would have licked the tears off their faces in Eric Cartman-type fashion.
Come to think of it, who the hell needs a nuke when you can just make these a**hole kids cry?
The reason I'm writing about self-entitled douche bag kids is because of two particular commercials that have aired recently. If you watch TV at all, you've definitely seen them, and if you agree that self-entitled douche bag kids should be nuked, you've undoubtedly noticed how utterly unbearable these ads have been.
The first is an Xfinity commercial where some 14-year-old girl whines about going to her grandparents' house for Christmas. She calls it the "gates of hell" because her grandparents don't have the Internet or Cable television, so she anticipates that it's going to be incredibly boring.
Here's the commercial in case you haven't seen it:
This is extended from the regular TV ad, which starts at about the 23-second mark.
First of all, before we get to the crux of this abomination of a commercial, I have to wonder how the two grandparents even saw her tweet. They had no wi-fi in their house prior to reacting to this, so how were they even able to see what she was typing online in the first place?
Second, I can't believe Comcast would have the audacity to air something like this. It's absolutely ridiculous how spoiled this tw*t is. What, she can't spend a nice Christmas evening at her grandparents' house without "wi-fi or shows?" Can't she go one night without "wi-fi or shows?" Whenever I went to my grandparents' house as a kid, I had a blast. They didn't have cable, and the only thing they watched on TV was Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, and my grandma would always marvel at the dresses Vanna White would wear. Otherwise, I played chess with my grandpa and ate delicious pound cake my grandma made, and I had a blast, all while gaining 500 pounds.
It also pisses me off that this tw*t's grandparents went out of their way to appease their spoiled brat of granddaughter. I wouldn't have done anything. In fact, if I were her grandparents, I'd be so spiteful that I go in the complete opposite direction. I'd temporarily get rid of all my electricity and force this skank to farm random things and then eat wheat by candlelight during dinner time. Take that, you f***ing b***h!
"Off to Grandmas. Off the grid. Pray for me *stupid emoji*"
What a whore.
By the way, what is going on at the 1:19 mark? Who is she waving at? Is that a girl or a boy? I can't tell. These stupid, damn self-entitled kids with their funky hairdos nowadays make it impossible to distinguish their gender.
Last thing: The bit at 1:43 pisses me off as well. I love how this a**hole girl tells her grandma to look at a young picture of herself on the phone when she could just do so in, you know, the actual f***ing picture of herself she has on her mantle!
"You got a 100 likes."
"Just kidding, there's only five."
Wow. That's pretty damn mean. First of all, grandma probably doesn't know what a "like" is in reference to, and second, why would she tease her grandma by initially telling her that so many people like her old photo, only to break her grandma's spirit by informing her only five people like it? If I were her grandma, I would've slapped her across the face and replied, "I don't care how many of your f***ing loser friends like my picture!"
I actually can't wait to be a grandparent just so I can do this.
As bad as that Xfinity commercial was, it's not even close to being as brutal as the one where a kid makes his dad drive in heavy snow just so he can go out on a date. Yeah, that one. If you haven't seen it, you're in for a real treat:
I can't believe the audacity this self-entitled pr**k kid has to make his father drive in the snow just so he can see a movie with his girlfriend. I mean, we're not just talking about flurries, here. The dad says, "It sure is coming down," and the snow is already up to the damn windows of this house:
The boy comes into the living room and tells his dad he's ready. The dad laughs, obviously taken aback that his son doesn't care about the conditions. He asks, "Have you looked outside?" and there even seems to be some fear in his voice. And yet, all this douche kid can do is shrug his shoulders like some self-entitled POS.
One of two underrated parts of this commercials comes next, when this man's "loving" wife says, "Take him," as she's comfortably reading a book on the couch. Why don't you take him, you a**hole? You're the one who thinks it's OK to drive in a freaking blizzard! I'm willing to bet that this skank of a woman wants this man to die so she can collect his life insurance, all while continuing to bang the mailman.
The second underrated part of this commercial is the line of text at the bottom of the screen at the 22-second mark: "Professional driver on closed course."
Yeah. It's that bad outside. And yet, this self-entitled douche kid is making his dad drive him on a date, when he could probably just see this girl at school once it re-opens. Or, I don't know, he could just f***ing call or Skype her!
"Sure is coming down."
"She'll be there."
Oh, OK. If I were his dad...
"Glad she'll be there? Glad she'll be there!? What about our safety, you self-entitled piece of s**t!?"
Anyway, I love how "Cineplex" is so empty that the dad can just park right in front of it. Why is this place even open? And how did the workers of Cineplex even get there? Did their suicidal fathers drive them there in Mercedes vehicles as well?
The look on this kid's face at the 56-mark is priceless. He thinks his skank of a girlfriend didn't show up, and now he's all upset. In fact, he's so distraught that he doesn't even want to wait to see if she arrives late. I don't know why he gives up so quickly. Better yet, if she didn't make it, why not just see a movie with your dad? You're both there anyway. If I were this kid's father, I'd be pretty pissed that my ungrateful son would rather just go home than see a movie with me.
Well, the girl finally shows up, just as he's about to leave, and the two go into the theater together. Aww, that's cute. Except... what the hell happened to the dad? Does he have to drive home, and then back, and then home again? He's surely going to crash his car on one of those three trips, right? Or, is he waiting around? If so, why isn't he going into the theater to watch another movie? Is he climbing into one of the cars with this girl's mom to bang her? I mean, that's perfectly OK, since his wife is already cheating on him and praying for his demise. Why not get a little side action for risking your life just to appease your self-entitled spoiled brat of a son?
Ugh, I don't know anymore. How did we come to this as a society? I feel like we need to stop giving kids participation trophies that tell them it's OK to be pedestrian, and instead, teach them proper manners. Hey, a**hole kids, how about you not refer to your grandparent's house as the "gates of hell," and how about you not force your poor dad to risk his life just you can watch some stupid movie with Sally Snowflake?
How about some decency for a change? "Hey, grandma's house doesn't have wi-fi, but that's OK because I never get to see my grandparents, and it still should be fun." Or, "Hey, dad, we shouldn't go to Cineplex because it's really coming down outside, and I don't want to risk your life going on some stupid date, and I'm too young to even get my wang sucked through the tub of popcorn." Or, "Hey, fat man, you can use the lane you were planning to jump into, and it doesn't matter if there are two of us and only one of you."
Unfortunately, that's not the world we live in right now. We do, however, have nukes, and I hope Donald Trump uses them appropriately.