JERK OF THE WEEK: Brain-Dead Saturday, Part 2: The Rocky Horror Picture Show
In Brain-Dead Saturday, Part 1, I discussed a failed trip to the gym in which I couldn't think about my NFL Picks. I was instead bombarded by conspiracy theories from Diarrhea of Mouth Guy, and then I had to once again ward off Skeletor's sexual advances. It was not a good day, and it would only get worse because, as mentioned in the first link, my fiancee wanted to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show during and after dinner.
Now, before I get to that, I have to mention something else that made me stupid that particular day. My fiancee happened to be at the mall with her sister as I was at the gym. As I got dressed, I saw that there was a missed call from her, so I dialed her number while walking out of the building.
Fiancee: Hey, I found these shoes on sale for Josh's wedding that you might need. Do you need shoes?
Me: Hmm... I'm not sure.
Fiancee: Well, they're great shoes, and they're pretty cheap, so I'm just going to get them for you. What size shoe are you?
Me: Hmm... I'm not sure.
Fiancee: What do you mean? What size shoe are you?
Me: I don't know.
Fiancee: How do you not know what shoe size you are? Can you check?
Me: I guess I'll check when I get home, but I don't know, how am I supposed to know something like that?
My fiancee just sighed in frustration and told me to text her back when I arrived home and was able to check my shoe size.
Honestly though, is this something people know for sure? I knew that my size is somewhere between nine and 10-and-a-half, but I didn't know it exactly. After all, I don't think I've ever bought shoes or sneakers for myself. The sneakers I wear right now are from when I moved into my house back in 2010. My mom bought me sneakers for my birthday that year. In fact, she bought me two pairs, both of which are the same kind.
"I know you don't like changing things, but these are the same type of sneakers, so you can wear both to make them last longer," she said.
I've never wore the second pair. They're still in a box in my closet. I like my first pair too much. I mean, sure, if it's raining, my feet get wet because there are now holes in them, but I don't see how that's relevant at all. So what if sneakers have holes in them? All that matters is if they're comfortable, right? Besides, I hate change. When Barack Obama proposed change, I immediately told myself I'd vote in the other direction, no matter who was running. Osama bin Laden could've run against Obama, and I would've voted for bin Laden because, as far as I know, he never said anything would change.
As for dress shoes, I've had the same ones since I used to work for a mortgage company back in early 2007. I don't know where they came from, but I assume that my parents bought them for me as well, because I sure as hell didn't.
I never understood the appeal of buying shoes. People I went to school with me used to rock $150 Air Jordans, or whatever top-selling sneaker was cool at the time. They used to be so proud of their shoes, but I never got what the big deal was. Shoes serve one purpose - to protect your feet. Why do they have to be cool? Who the f*** cares?
I feel the same way about cars. I never understood the point of owning fancy cars unless you happen to collect them. But anyone who buys an expensive, fancy-shmancy car just to drive around and seem cool is a total douche bag. When I see people driving fancy-shmancy cars, or walking around in fancy-shmancy shoes, I figure they're just overcompensating for something else, whether that's a small wang, a job they hate, or just a general sensation of insecurity.
At any rate, I returned home and walked over to the closet. I found one of my sneakers and texted my fiancee the size. It was 9-and-a-half. Or, wait, I think it was nine. No, hmm... maybe 10? You know, I actually don't remember. And I really don't care either way.
Saturday evening had arrived, and my fiancee made pepperoni pizza for dinner. Not only was it delicious, but it also saved my life from my impending experience with the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
I had never seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show prior to that night. I once dated a girl in college who talked about it with a mutual friend of ours. The relationship I had with her was short-lived, however, perhaps because of the following exchange...
Mutual Friend: I love the Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Girl: Yeah, me, too! Hey, Walt, wanna watch it?
Me: Rocky Horror Picture Show? What's that, like a spin-off of the Rocky Balboa movie series?
Girl: Umm... no.
I was told it was some musical, and I basically said, "No thanks, I'd rather play Madden like a real man." And that was that.
Little did I know that about 12 years later, I would be ensnared into watching that abomination. Like I said, thank god for pepperoni pizza.
Before I get into how bad that movie was, let me discuss the one positive. And that was Janet, played by Victoria Justice:
As you can see, she was pretty damn hot. She was also wet there, which made me wonder what the hell the writers were thinking when they didn't have a scene with a wet t-shirt contest during the film. I feel like any quality director would've filmed a scene of that sort.
Anyway, for those of you who haven't seen the movie, I'm going to give you a quick synopsis of the plot. It's set in the 50s, and this nerdy guy named Brad is attending a wedding with his girlfriend, Janet. Afterward, Brad proposes to Janet, doing so in a cemetery. She strangely says yes, which has to be pretty dubious. Why would anyone ever propose to someone in a cemetery, and more importantly, why would the other person say yes? It's like starting a water-gun fight in a nursing home. It's just the wrong place to do something like that.
The engaged couple drives off, and it begins raining. The car breaks down, so they plan to seek refuge in this mansion, where Brad asks the fellow at the front door if he can use the phone. The guy at the door eyes up Janet, and understandably so. He then leads them into the house, where we discover that they're having some sort of party. The festivities come to a screeching halt when Dr. Frank, some mad scientist guy wearing a red wig, enters the room and announces that his greatest invention is complete.
Now, you might be thinking that this dude found the cure for cancer, or perhaps he created shoes that are one-size-fits-all so I wouldn't have to memorize my shoe size again. Both of those inventions would improve humanity. Instead, the invention is a muscular man named Rocky, who is wearing nothing but gold boxer shorts.
I'm not sure what this Rocky creation is supposed to do for the world. I suppose Dr. Frank wanted him to avenge Apollo Creed's death, but the real Rocky did that already.
Dr. Frank is very happy with Rocky, until some guy on a motorcycle shows up and apparently ruins everything because he gets Rocky to dance to music. That's when Dr. Frank kills him with an icepick. I kid you not.
It was at this point in the movie that I began to like Dr. Frank. Death by icepick may seem like a harsh punishment for dancing, but I think it's quite appropriate. There is nothing worse than dancing - NOTHING! - and so I think every single DJ at every single wedding ever should be killed via icepick. That way, there will never be dancing ever again.
Just when I began to like Dr. Frank, the next thing happened. Brad and Janet were given separate sleeping chambers. My fiancee actually asked why this happened, and we both soon saw why. Dr. Frank snuck into Janet's room and raped her. Then, Dr. Frank snuck into Brad's room, and raped him, too!
I wish I were making this up. This Dr. Frank fellow raped both members of an engaged couple within minutes of each other. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I was completely appalled. After all, a double rape is impossible because a man can't produce that much semen so quickly!
During the second rape, Janet leaves her chambers, looking for Brad, and she sees Dr. Frank having sexual relations with Brad. Apparently not realizing that Dr. Frank is raping Brad just as he raped her, she begins crying and then sees Rocky. She then begins getting intimate with Rocky, which makes sense, since, you know, rape victims immediately look to engage in sexual intercourse immediately following the attack.
Following the rape nonsense, Dr. Frank goes looking for Rocky, whom I assume he wants to rape as well. (I'm seriously cringing at writing this, given how horrible it is.) Dr. Frank is distracted when a guy in a wheelchair shows up, claiming to be Brad and Janet's former high school science teacher. He says that he's looking for a man named Eddie, who was the motorcyclist who was justly killed via icepick for making people dance.
Dr. Frank begins to lose it, even more so than he had been already. He claims that both Brad and Janet are working for their former science teacher, and he accuses them of studying UFOs. I have no idea what UFOs have anything to do with any of this, but whatever. Dr. Frank becomes even more enraged when he learns that Rocky and Janet have already slept together.
So, what does Dr. Frank do in retaliation to this betrayal? He throws a dinner party for everyone. That's right - everyone at this mansion, save for Rocky, sits at the dinner table, rather awkwardly. It becomes even worse for all those involved when they learn that they're about to eat Eddie's remains. Janet runs off, looking for Rocky, and Dr. Frank uses his ire to freeze everyone with a Medusa's head. I assume he kept that around to petrify other rape victims who were stronger and not so easily placed into submission.
Dr. Frank soon has a change of heart, however, and he unfreezes everyone, under one condition - that they perform a cabaret floor show with him. Whom they're performing for, I have no idea, but they put on an extravagant show regardless.
Anyway, it suddenly becomes apparent why Dr. Frank is fearful of UFOs because two of his henchmen reveal themselves to be aliens from the galaxy of Transylvania. The galaxy of Transylvania. Yeah. The. Galaxy. Of. Transylvania. I can't believe I'm writing this.
The two henchmen kill both Rocky and Dr. Frank, who, in his dying breath, gasps that he has failed his mission. Apparently, his mission wasn't to rape as many people as possible, but he was able to accomplish that.
The movie concludes with Brad, Janet and their former teacher leaving the mansion. Unfortunately, there's no conversation about Brad being raped and Janet immediately banging some scientific creation. Instead, Dr. Frank's other surviving henchmen are seen crawling away, prompting a narrator to announce, "The human race is equivalent to insects crawling on the planet's surface."
You know what's equivalent to insects crawling on the planet's surface? This absolutely s***ty movie.
I felt like I had just been raped by Dr. Frank. I really don't know what I would've done if it wasn't for the pepperoni pizza and Janet's cleavage. I honestly think I would have died if it hadn't been for those two things.
Still, the scars are still present. I find myself thinking about the Rocky Horror Picture Show sometimes, and I nearly vomit as a response. It's definitely taken an emotional and physical toll on me. Maybe that's why I can't remember my shoe size.