Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014





Jerks of the Week: April 21, 2014


JERK OF THE WEEK: How I Met My Cell Phone

The Year 2035

Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story: The story of how I met my cell phone.

Slut Daughter: Ugh, dad, I don't have time for this. I have dudes to bang.

Dumb Son: Derp dee derp. We being punished, dad? Derp.

No. This is a long, awesome story, so listen closely.

Slut Daughter: But Johnny's meeting me in 45 minutes, and he's paying me $700 (inflation). Then I meet with Kevin. I'm only charging him $250, but he's only requesting that I suck his...

Silence, whore! You must listen to my story because this is more important than anything you have to say. Thirty-five years ago, before I was dad to you useless idiots, I had this whole other life...

It was back in 2000. I was about to turn 18, close to graduating from high school. I was going to Six Flags Great Adventure with my friends Josh, Frank, Pat and Chris on Senior Cut Day. My life was good, until Pat went and screwed the whole thing up.

Pat: I lost the locker key.

Me: S***! My cell phone is in there.

See, kids, we didn't fancy gizmos like you have today. No teleportation machines to go from one place to another instantly; no holographic technology so you can be in multiple spots at once; no kielbasa sextant to measure what percentage USDA Man other guys are (sorry, Matt Millen). And no, whore daughter, the penis hadn't been cloned yet, so you couldn't have intercourse and give a guy head at the same time. We didn't even have cell phones, kids! Well, most of us didn't.

You see, kids, I was the only one of my friends with a cell phone at Six Flags that day. My dad had just given me one that very morning. "Call if you get stuck somewhere," he said. And no, I couldn't text him because that phone did not have texting capabilities like the Samsung Galaxy S4. Since no one else had a phone, the only thing I could literally do was call my dad or my friends' house numbers.

Anyway, we put that cell phone and our other belongings in the locker. Pat had the deepest pockets, so he placed the locker key in one of them. It must have fallen out while we were on one of the rides because it was no longer there when we were heading back to the lockers.

You'd think this would be a common issue, but Six Flags made us wait for two hours while they called the locksmith. I remember feeling like it took forever. The only bright spot was when Frank said something along the lines of, "When is the master of locks coming?" Everyone made fun of him for this because it sounded funny. Pat and Chris would go on to refer to the locksmith as the "lord of locks" and "emperor of locks" in jest.

The master of locks finally arrived. He opened our locker and - EVERYTHING WAS GONE! My cell phone was stolen the first day I ever had it.

And that, kids, is how I met my first cell phone.

Dumb Son: Gee, dad, that's a great story, derp dee derp.

Slut Daughter: Why would you tell us this? Just talk about the cell phone you're referring to.

Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story...





Call-Only Phone No. 2:

My dad didn't trust me with another cell phone for a few years - even though it wasn't my fault that I lost it - but he finally gave me another chance. Sort of. The year was 2004 now, and he handed me another call-only phone. This was no longer top-of-the-line material; everyone had a cell with texting now. Some phones even had a camera like the Samsung Galaxy S4. Mine had a black-and-white screen with two buttons outside of the normal numbers: call and cancel. I was going to be so cool.

"You better not lose this," he said.

I didn't lose it, but I didn't have it for very long either. As it turns out, this phone was the worst thing that could have happened to me because I had to use it to talk to my girlfriend at the time. I liked talking to her initially, but she wanted to have a 3-hour conversations every night - she went to school about an hour and a half away from mine - and it got old very quickly. I would eventually play video games while on the phone with her, making sure I occasionally went "uh huh" and "OK cool" every couple of minutes or so. She did all of the talking, so it wasn't the worst thing in the world because I got to fire up my Playstation 2, but spending so much time holding my cell phone to my ear would give me headaches.

I walked this ex-girlfriend to her car at the end of one of her visits. It turned out that she parked in the wrong lot and had a $15 ticket on her windshield. The normal reaction to this would be "ah that sucks." What she did was appalling. She broke down and cried. She moaned and whined, and tears gushed out of her eyes. I offered to pay it, but she whimpered, "No, I have to do it! I have to do it!" She cried for 20 more minutes, and that's when I decided that I had to end this relationship.

The thing is, I couldn't really end it. My phone fell apart, and I didn't have her number - it was only saved in the phone - so I couldn't call her from my house number. She didn't try to contact me either, so the relationship just ended - all because my phone broke.

Again, this wasn't my fault, and my dad even understood it this time. You see, kids, this was the same model as the other phone. It had been used by many people over the past six years, so it was on the brink of falling apart. My dad was fine with it; he just wanted to see that I could keep a phone without losing it, so he bought me a new one...


First Flip Phone:

Kids, in 2005, flip phones were a hot commodity. Everyone had one, and if you didn't, you weren't allowed to sit at the cool kids' table. This phone could text and take pictures, and the screen even had colors like the Samsung Galaxy S4!

Unfortunately, the camera got me into trouble. My friends and I began drinking at 2 p.m. on the final day of Senior Week - the day before graduation - so as you can imagine, I was completely hammered by the time the bars closed at 2 a.m.

My friends wanted to go to McDonald's, which was right down the block. I didn't want anything there - I was waiting on pizza, which was on the way back to the dorm - so I just sat down while my friends ordered. I looked at them in line, and something immediately caught my eye. There was a girl standing there with the shortest shorts I've ever seen in my life. They were so short that her a** was completely hanging out of them.

My friend Nick sat down, and I told him to look at it. I then drunkenly muttered something like, "Thiisisss beeesstt niiiiighthtt eeevvuurr I goottssss taaakkee piccctuuree nnnnn sshoooww eeeverryooonneee." In my drunken state, I thought snapping a picture of that girl's a** and then sending it to all of my contacts was a good idea. It was hanging out for everyone to see, after all.

Kids, what I did that night would eventually incite a riot at that McDonald's. And you can read all about it when I publish Jerks on My Floor, which is a collection of Jerks of the Week-type entries from my college years.

Slut Daughter: What? You're going to make us buy the book?

Yeah. I'll even autograph it for you. For $200, that is.

Slut Daughter: I don't want your stupid autograph!

Shut up, skank, and buy my freaking book! Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the flip phone. It was probably the second-best phone I had ever owned, but my dad was adamant to give me an advanced cell after I graduated Penn State in the spring of 2006. I wasn't going to decline his offer, but perhaps I should have...


RAZR:

My dad bought me a RAZR after I graduated. It looked extremely cool. It was incredibly thin, and it had a sleek screen and shiny buttons. Unfortunately, the phone itself was a piece of crap when it came to reception. I couldn't get service anywhere, which is the opposite of the Samsung Galaxy S4. I always had to go outside - even when I was in my own house. That was so ridiculously annoying.

It was even more frustrating when I got my first job. I became a loan officer in January 2007. That didn't last very long because the job sucked. It didn't help that my bosses were a**holes either. One, a fat, old Jewish man named Goldy, locked himself in his office for most of the day. I suspected that he was jerking off to porn this entire time, but I eventually came to realize that he had no idea how to use the computer. The other, a guy in his early 30s named Adam, was a complete dick. He would tell me what to say to customers, and I'd do it - I even began writing it down, word for word - and he would yell at me after the call, saying that I did it completely wrong.

I'll have more on these incompetent idiots in Jerks on My Floor - their company folded months after I stopped working there - but I'm bringing them up now because of the RAZR. You see, kids, I worked at this company with Josh, but he quit before I was let go. He called me up to tell me this, but I couldn't understand him.

Me: Hello?

Josh: Hey, I don't think I'm ... I'm ... I can't ... I just don't want ... I'll see...

Me: What?

Josh: I said I ... not coming ... going to ... go back ...

Me: What!?

This went on for 10 minutes until he got so frustrated that he hung up the phone. I figured I'd just talk to him about it at work, but he never showed up. I later learned that he was trying to tell me that he was not coming into work anymore because he quit.

That very same day, I got my first promising lead. This woman Pauline wanted to refinance, so after three weeks of failure and endless cold calls, I was finally going to get a nice commission. Adam was still a dick - he said something like, "I didn't think you could do it, but you proved me wrong!" - but I didn't care. I was only working on $300 per week base salary, but a mortgage commission would be anywhere between five and 10 grand.

I gave Pauline my cell number, and she called me the following morning when I was on the train. As you can guess, I couldn't hear her very well.

Me: Hello?

Pauline: Hi! I was able to ... copy of my ... can't wait to... refinance!

Me: What?

Pauline: I said I ... mortgage statement ... good deal ... refinance!

Me: What? I can't hear you!

Pauline: Hello? Hello?

Me: Hello?

Dead silence. Still though, there was enthusiasm in her voice, so I figured all would be fine when I called her from the office phone. I did this the first thing when I sat down at my desk, but she didn't answer. I tried back a few hours later and left a message. I didn't hear back from her. I tried the next day, and nothing again. Same the following day, and the day after. I never heard from Pauline ever again.

My commission was gone - and all because of my stupid RAZR. Had I never upgraded, I could have made some money on that refinance. But it's a good thing I didn't because A) I was let go for sucking (no sales in six weeks!) and B) I was finally convinced that I had to buy a phone that actually let me hear my conversations.







Juke:

I'll never forget the first day I met my Juke. It was a hot summer day in July. I went downtown to the Verizon store because Josh worked there. He said he'd get me a great deal on this phone I would love, and he was right. I was instantly sold on it. It was love at first sight.

It was, at times, a long, difficult road. But I'm glad it was long and difficult because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear. You see, kids, right from the moment I met my cell phone, I knew I had to love this cell phone as much as I can, for as long as I can, and I can never stop loving it; not even for a second. I carried that lesson through every stupid call I ever received, every 8 a.m. alarm sound, every football Sunday afternoon; through every speed bump, every pang of jealousy or boredom, or uncertainty that came my way. I carried that lesson with me.

And I carried it with me when the Juke started to break. Even then, in what can only be called the worst of times, all I could do was thank God. Thank every God there is, or ever was, or will be, and the whole universe, and anyone else I can possibly thank.



When I saw that awesome cell phone in that Verizon store, I had the guts to buy it, open my wallet, hand the credit card to Josh, and buy it.

And that, kids, is how I met my cell phone.

Slut Daughter: That's it?

That's it.

Slut Daughter: No, I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.

Oh, what's the reason then?

Slut Daughter: Let's look at the facts here: You made us sit down and listen to how you met your cell phone, yet the Juke is hardly in the story. No. This is a story of how you're totally in love with the Samsung Galaxy S4. And you're thinking about keeping it and using its voice-to-text feature all the time, even when there are lots of people in the room and it's rude to talk into your cell phone.

I can't believe this. I kept this story short, and to the point, and you guys still missed it! The point of this story is...

Slut Daughter: Is that you totally love your Samsung Galaxy S4!

No, I don't!

Slut Daughter: Yes, you do!

Dumb Son: Derp dee derp dee derp.

Slut Daughter: You totally love the Samsung Galaxy S4!

You're grounded!

Dumb Son: Derp dee derp dee doo.

You're grounded too!

Dumb Son: Doo doo wah wah.

Even if I did love this Samsung Galaxy S4, I have you two to think about. You guys are so used to seeing me in pictures with my Juke, and hearing all of the stories about the Juke...

Slut Daughter: Come on, dad. The Juke's been gone for 21 years now. It's time...

Maybe you're right... Wow, how did I raise such a smart daughter?

Slut Daughter: Because I'm the best! Sooo... can I have that orgy in the basement that I've been asking for this weekend?

Fine, fine.

Dumb Son: Derp dee doo dee derp?

Shut up, fool, you're still grounded!

Dumb Son: Derp doo wah wah.

Hold on, I have to do something completely nonsensical that will really piss off my audience.



LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 19


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 16


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5









 





 

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