JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Previously on Jerks of the Week: Jerks of the Jersey Shore: I went down to Ocean City to relax and find some Jerks of the Week material. There were hot chicks at the pool, but I couldn't game them because the stupid little kids there conspired against me. I wanted one girl, Cute Colorful Bikini Girl, to see where my hotel room so she could knock on my door and sexually assault me at night, but I had no such luck.
After that, I went to the boardwalk and tried out various pizza joints and a place called Hamburger Construction Company. I was then accosted by a religious zealot who tried to put the fear of God in me. I returned the favor, putting the fear of science into her by stating that in the near future, no one is ever going to ascend to heaven because we'll all be living forever.
My sister, her boyfriend, my cousin and her husband were set to arrive in Ocean City around 10:30, so I was hoping to get a good night's rest and wake up for breakfast at around 9. I went to bed at 1:40, and just as I closed my eyes... SPLASH!
Someone apparently jumped into the hotel pool at almost 2 a.m. I thought for a second that it could be Cute Colorful Bikini Girl, but it was just three dudes horsing around (not that there's anything wrong with that). They kept making loud noises outside, so I put the air-conditioning fan on high to eliminate the boise. Unfortunately, that noise also annoyed me, so I didn't fall asleep until around 4:45. And then, 15 minutes later...
F***ing seagulls. One began squawking at 5 a.m. And then another. By 5:30, there was an entire cacophony of seagull squawks. It was unbearable; I even heard them over the loud fan, so there was no way in hell I was getting back to sleep. I'm not even sure I slipped back into a slumber. I remember being in a daze when I heard my phone chime at 8:30. My sister texted me: "On our way, be there around 10:15!"
I cursed the heavens and hopped out of bed. The sunlight was bursting through the curtains, and the obnoxious seagulls were as loud as ever, so falling back asleep was not a realistic option. I also was hungry, so I decided to get dressed and head to breakfast...
The Blooming Tulip:
My favorite breakfast eatery in Ocean City is the Blooming Tulip, located at 10th and Ocean. They have fantastic bacon-and-cheese omelets. However, my heart sank when I noticed a terrible sign right outside of the entrance. No, it wasn't closed. It was much, much worse:
"KIDS EAT FREE!!!"
Ugh. Just what we need - a place to cater to kids. Don't the people running the Blooming Tulip know that kids bring nothing but disease and misery? Why would they entice parents to bring them? Asking parents to abandon their kids on the boardwalk is far better option.
Fortunately, there weren't many kids inside. There was a cute waitress, however, who was pale and had auburn hair. Given my luck, there was a zero-percent chance she'd be serving me, and I was right. Another girl waited on me. She wasn't ugly or anything, but I would've preferred the cute waitress.
I brought ESPN's fantasy football magazine with me to pass the time - I published an article that makes fun of this POS - but I didn't need it. The people to the right of me were entertaining enough. This group was comprised of three men in their 50s, a woman in the same age range and two kids who were about 10 years old. The men had a very interesting conversation...
Man in Phillies Shirt: That's why I don't go into dem Dunkin' Donuts no more!
Man with Glasses: Why not?
Man in Phillies Shirt: All dem Pakis ruinin' it!
Man with Goatee: F***in' Pakis!
Man in Phillies Shirt: I used to go to the Dunkin' Donuts all the time until the Pakis started ruinin' it!
Man with Glasses: Come to think of it, the last time I went into the Dunkin' Donuts, the coffee I done purchased was all watered down.
Man in Phillies Shirt: That's because all dem terrorist Pakis ruinin' it!
Man with Glasses: Y'all think dem Pakis is terrorists?
Man with Goatee: F*** yeah, dem terrorists! All the money dem Pakis make at Dunkin' Donuts get shipped to you know where? Back to dem Paki country for dem terrorists!
Man in Phillies Shirt: That's why the coffee in the Dunkin' Donuts is watered down, cuz they're buyin' terrorist equipment instead of dem proper coffee beans!
Holy s***. Are they right? They just opened up a Dunkin' Donuts right around the corner from my house. Is this just a front for a terrorist group? Are Paki terrorists planning on bombing my house? I'm so scared right now!
In all seriousness, I thought kids ate free at the Blooming Tulip; not racist a**holes. But I do want to thank them for one of the most entertaining breakfasts I've had in quite a while. It nearly made me forget that I didn't get to talk to the cute waitress.
My sister Jackie, her boyfriend Rich, my cousin Polina and her husband Chris all arrived promptly at 10:15. I just barely had enough time to drop a deuce after that Blooming Tulip breakfast.
Everyone wanted to hit up the beach. We settled on a spot somewhat near the water. We also happened to be adjacent to two girls. One was Asian and simply looked OK. The other was hot as hell. She had blond hair and an outstanding body. She was wearing a pink top and black bottoms (**). I'll have more on her later.
(**) I'm actually a huge fan of when chicks wear mismatching bikinis. I don't know why, but maybe it has something to do with an element of surprise. I also have to note that I've never had the pleasure of being sexually assaulted by a girl wearing a mismatching bikini, so that might have something to do with it.
We then decided to go into the ocean. I was happy about this because I had to pee. The waves weren't huge, but there were several good ones. I did my usual backstroke into the waves. I was having fun, when all of a sudden - WHACK! This a**hole kid on a boogie board rammed into the back of my head. Things went blurry for a second and I thought I might have suffered a concussion.
This kid - he was probably 14 or so - looked at me and said, "Sorry bro." Sorry bro? You nearly killed me, and that's all you can say? I wanted to reply, "I hope you get eaten by a shark, dick head," but I was too busy coughing up ocean water.
I was more cautious while swimming backstroke going forward. A rather large wave was approaching, so I swam into it and - WHACK! Did the a**hole kid hit me again? If so, I was going to strangle him. Fortunately for him, it was a girl this time. She was rather well-endowed, so I was happy she rammed into me.
Well-Endowed Girl: Sorry!
Me: It's OK, I...
And just like that, Well-Endowed Girl swam off in the other direction. She didn't even let me finish my sentence. Just a guess, but I don't think she was too sincere about her apology. That, or she purposely crashes into people in the ocean.
There were other women worth writing about. For instance, this insanely skinny woman in her 50s entered the ocean at one point. My sister commented, "Looking at her makes me want to throw up." Indeed. She was wearing a black bikini, which exposed her ribs. The only positive to her being there is that she definitely wouldn't attract any sharks because she didn't have any meat on her bones.
There was also another chick with large breasts. She was wearing a light-blue bikini. The thing with her though was that her top was so small that the bottom of her breasts were sticking out. She also had some side-boob action going on because of a slit in her left bikini top.
Jackie: Look at that girl's boobs! They're popping out!
Rich: Yeah, I saw that already.
Me: Me too.
Chris: Yeah, us guys just have a radar for stuff like that.
Indeed. It was the first thing I noticed as soon as she and her friends walked into the ocean. Not that I was complaining or anything. I feel like more women should show off side boob or under boob or any sort of boob.
We returned to our spot, and the two aforementioned chicks were still there, reading books. The one unbelievably hot one in the pink top and black bottoms was holding her phone oddly where the camera was pointed at me. I'm not sure if she was taking pictures of me or not, but I wish she did. It's always been a dream of mine to have a hot chick snap pictures of me and then do naughty things to herself while looking at them afterward.
There were also some other women of note. For example, a blonde in a black bikini frequently stared at me. I would've said something, but she was with other people. Plus, she had a huge tattoo on the right side of her body. I'm not a fan of tattoos at all, so if she wanted some action, she'd have to come up to me and beg me for it.
Two other chicks set up shop in front of the book-readers. One was a blonde with a peach bikini, while the other was a brunette with a yellow top and black bottoms. They were both pretty hot - both literally and figuratively - because they went into the ocean to take a dip. Once they returned to their towels, they looked at my direction and then decided to grab their stuff and move elsewhere. I guess they thought I was staring them a bit too creepily. I'll admit that I was.
We chilled on the beach until about 2:30. The plan was to go back to the hotel pool for about an hour and then wander over to the waterpark from 4-6. We still had an umbrella and a beach chair that one of the vendors set up for us, so Jackie recommended that I should ask the two book-readers if they wanted to use the umbrella and the chair. This was perfect, as it gave me an excuse to talk to the one unbelievably hot chick.
Me: Hey, we're leaving. Do you want to use our umbrella and chair?
Unbelievably Hot Chick: euwehgiu hiuhrgiurehighreigeri guher.
OK Asian Chick: ergihergh w uhirehg ieufrebg kjteb ger oer.
Both girls had the books they were reading pressed against their faces and were speaking quietly. I couldn't hear what the hell they were saying.
Me: I can't understand what you're saying.
Unbelievably Hot Chick: rgeroghwe orig uhergu heirug oern evoer errr.
Me: I can't hear you.
OK Asian Chick: ergiherddh weddd howrg oweguoeb gtrhl etkwrog heorg orte.
Ugh. I gave up. I don't know why they didn't speak up or why they refused to remove the books from right in front of their mouths. Unless... no... were they doing this so no one else could hear what they were saying because...
Me: Hey, we're leaving. Do you want to use our umbrella and chair?
Unbelievably Hot Chick: Why are you leaving? Come hang out with us.
OK Asian Chick: My friend wants to f*** your brains out.
Me: I can't understand what you're saying.
Unbelievably Hot Chick: She's right. I've read your mind and know that you've never been sexually assaulted by a hot chick in a mismatching bikini, so this is your lucky day.
Me: I can't hear you.
OK Asian Chick: Take us back to your hotel room now. You can bang my friend, and I'll tape it. Maybe I'll join in the fun too, but it's fine if you say no because I'm just OK-looking.
Damn it, why didn't I realize what they were really saying sooner? I'm such an idiot!
We arrived at the pool, and I was delighted to see that the blonde chick in the pink bikini was there again. Well, she didn't stay there very long. She looked at me for about a minute, almost as if she was deciding if it was worth staying there as I creepily stared at her. I guess she figured that it was better if she went back to her hotel room, because that's exactly what she did.
Cute Colorful Bikini Girl was there as well, only she was wearing an orange-and-white flower bikini this time. Unfortunately, she was once again with her family, so nothing was happening there. Making matters worse, there were tons of kids in the pool again. I complained aloud this time.
Me: All kids do is bring disease and misery!
Polina: This is actually true! Everyone I know who works with kids is constantly sick.
Me: Why would anyone want to work with kids? That's like saying, "Hey! Please give me every sickness possible! Oh, and I'd like to deal with individuals who pee and poop in their pants as an added bonus!"
Almost on cue, the four black kids (the ones with the white mother who stole them from the ghetto) jumped into the pool and began causing a ruckus. Meanwhile, this puny kid of about 7, who was wearing arm floaties, was standing in 9 feet of water. Wait, let me explain something. The pool at the Harris House is very oddly shaped. It goes from 3 to 9 feet, but the sides of the pool all slope up near each side of the deep end. Thus, if you're an adult, you can actually sit in the deepest part of the pool near the wall.
The puny kid, who was standing in this spot, got his mother's attention.
Puny Kid: Mommy! Mommy! I'm standing in 6 feet of watoo!
Mom: No, you're not.
Puny Kid: I am, Mommy! I'm standing in 6 feet of watoo!
Mom: No, you're not.
This neglectful mother didn't even bother looking because she probably found the concept to be ridiculous. But even though he was standing on the "bottom" of the pool, she was actually right; he wasn't standing in 6 feet of water because he was actually in 9 feet. Yes, there was a huge "9" written right where the kid was standing, but he thought that the "9" was actually a "6." What an idiot.
"Disease and misery," I said to Polina. She nodded her head in agreement.
At that very moment, two very serious-looking dudes walking into the pool area. They were a father-and-son combo. The dad, about 40, was holding a pizza box in one hand. His kid was approximately 14. They were both wearing sun glasses and had stern expressions on their faces. They approached a 40-year-old woman lying back on a lounge chair.
Serious Dad: We got the pizza.
Serious Kid: We got the pizza, ma.
Mom: Oh, that's good.
Serious Dad: Secure the pizza in the hotel room.
Serious Kid: Securing the pizza, dad.
Yeah, you guys are cool. Not. Good luck getting sexually assaulted in your hotel room by a hot chick, dorks.
Jackie, Rich and I opted to go to the waterpark while Polina and Chris traversed the boardwalk. On the way there, we passed by a skinny girl giving out free fudge. The girl handed a piece to both me and Jackie. Rich, meanwhile, reached into her plate and grabbed several pieces of fudge. The girl tried to mutter, "I'mmm... I'mmm... thuppothed... to... hand... you... fudge..." but she was too weak to stop Rich.
Rich then saw a sign for chocolate-covered bacon in the fudge store. "We're going there after dinner!" he announced. I had no problem with that.
The waterpark was fun. The lines weren't long because we went in during its final two hours of operation. They also let Rich and I go backward on a double tube. This was fun as hell, but it turned out to be a bad idea. Once we hit the bottom, we toppled over, and my head nearly hit the bottom of the pool. I almost had my second concussion of the day.
There were also plenty of hot female lifeguards there. They all looked the same, actually. They were all tan, brunettes with nice legs. Not that I have strong complaints about this; I'd ask for some variety, but that could lead to hot chicks getting hired.
Toward the end of our two hours there, I noticed something odd. There was a hot lifeguard sitting by herself, observing a piece of water that wasn't connected to any of the slides.
Me: What the hell is that pool of water for? I've never seen that before.
Jackie: I don't know. That's weird.
We walked over and discovered that it was some sort of activity pool. I asked the lifeguard if we were allowed to go in. She nodded her head, so we jumped in and just chilled there.
It was so weird. My sister and I have been going to this waterpark our entire lives, yet neither of us ever noticed this activity pool. I decided to ask the hot lifeguard about it. I was curious, plus it gave me an opportunity to talk to her.
Me: Hey, has this activity pool always been here?
Hot Lifeguard: Yep.
Me: Really? I've never seen it.
Hot Lifeguard: Hmm...
Me: Seriously, I've been coming here for more than 20 years now, and I've never seen this. You sure it's not new?
Hot Lifeguard: Yep.
Hot Lifeguard was clearly super into me, but it was suddenly 6 p.m., so we had to roll out. We went back to the hotel, got changed and then went to Prep's Pizza. The pizza was as good as I remember it being. They do this cool thing where they have both cheese and tomato sauce on the surface. Oh, and as an added bonus, I was able to creepily stare at the hot blonde behind the counter. Good times for all.
We finished our pizza, and now it was the moment of truth - the chocolate-covered bacon awaited us. We strolled into the fudge shop, where the cute girl behind the counter giggled at how eager all of us were to try this chocolate-covered bacon phenomenon.
Each strip of chocolate-covered bacon was $2.50. That may seem outrageous, but it was well worth it. I took a bite, and... holy s***. It was amazing.
Now, if you're some a**hole who only likes fu-fu organic food, you may have a squeamish face right now. But if you're a normal, obese American like me, you have to be wondering where you can get your hands on some chocolate-covered bacon. All you have to do is drive to the Jersey Shore - where magical things like chocolate-covered bacon happen.
I had one more night in the hotel, but I opted to check out that evening because there was no way in hell I was sleeping through the chorus of seagull squawks that night. I packed my bags and went down to the lobby to check out. There was a dude in his 20s at his desk accompanied by two attractive women, including a super-hot one wearing a short skirt with an England flag designed on it.
I handed the lucky guy my keycards and beach tags, and he had me sign one final form. He then said, "I hope you stay with us again," to which I replied, "I will." The super-hot chick, meanwhile, looked at me with a very flirty look in her eyes and said bye.
Ugh... just my luck. I finally encountered a girl who's into me and also had the proper information to sexually assault me in my hotel room at night, and I just happened to check out.
Oh well. The Jersey Shore will still be around next year. And I'll be there once again to creepily stare at all of the hot girls.