I think summer will always be my favorite season, but autumn is a close second. Of course, football is back, but there are other reasons to like it as well. The annoying kids in my neighborhood go back to school, so I don't have to worry about them scaring my dog or trying to con me into buying Dixie cups of lemonade. Plus, as an added bonus, I get to dump my dog's poop into my neighbor's yard, since it's always covered in brown leaves. He never knows the difference!
Another reason why autumn is great is because TV shows either return or debut. I mean, there's always an abundant amount of things to watch - my fiancee and I went through Twin Peaks this summer, which was awesome - but having shows like the Walking Dead, Gotham and Girl Meets World return just makes me extremely happy.
Of course, some new shows are complete letdowns. For instance, I wrote about Lucifer back in the spring. It was a horrible show, yet it was somehow renewed. I'm guessing the main actor who plays the titular Lucifer has pictures of FOX executives snorting coke and f***ing sheep up the anus. That, or someone paid people to watch that abomination of a show. Either or.
Then, there was Burfict Strangers. Cousin Sal brought this one up, citing that Vontaze Burfict received his own sitcom. Burfict is crazy, so it sounded like a great show. He said it streamed on the TVs you can watch at gas stations. I waited 10 hours one time for Burfict Strangers to air, and it never came on. Then, I came back the next day and did the same thing - and yet, there was nothing. Thanks a lot, Sal!
I suspected NBC's new program, Timeless would be a disappointment as well. I love shows about time travel and whatnot, but they always seem to screw it up. Either they get all of the concepts wrong, or they try to dumb it down because they don't think their audience will understand - and perhaps they're on to something, given that the general American public likes to watch stupid reality shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Dancing with the Stars and Eating Cereal with the Stars. I still have no idea how Jaleel White and Frankenberry upset O.J. Simpson and Cocoa Puffs in the semi-finals. No idea!
Nevertheless, I tuned into the premiere of Timeless. I was hoping I would be completely wrong, and it would become my favorite show once Game of Thrones came to an end.
Sadly, I was right - only I didn't know exactly how right I was.
Timeless, to be frank, was a steaming pile of s**t that a skunk sprayed and Rosie O'Donnell urinated on. In other words, it was absolutely horrible. It was terrible in almost every aspect, but rather than describe to you exactly why it was so putrid, I'll walk you through, scene by scene, discussing everything wrong with NBC's new show.
Scene 1: We get a flashback of Hindenburg in 1937. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen...? Oh no, it's crashing, I never saw that coming, AHHHH!!!
Scene 2: Following that cold open, we move to present day, where an attractive brunette woman is teaching a history class at a college. Her students are laughing at everything she says, as she constantly makes genitalia jokes. She's the greatest professor ever. Except that some dude with a goatee interrupts her class to tell her that he's canceling her tenure. She protests, citing that her mom "built this department." Great job by the writers establishing that our main character totally sucks because she tries to justify her position with some old-fashioned nepotism.
Scene 3: The brunette, Lucy, returns home and calls out for Amy, her sister. This is important, as I nearly forgot who Amy was later. Amy is sitting with their mom, who is bedridden. It appears as though she has cancer. Rather than worry about her dying mom, Lucy complains about losing tenure. "This is everything I've been working for; it's mom's legacy!" You mean, it's everything your dying mom has been working toward, right?
Scene 4: In some super-secret base, a black guy named Rufus is creepily staring at this semi-cute girl when bad-looking men arrive in trucks. I thought these bad-looking men were going to shoot Rufus - this is NBC, after all - but they have other plans: They board some object looking like a giant, white orb, which vanishes 10 seconds after powering up. The police show up and quickly begin asking Rufus, "Where did they go?" They then shoot Rufus eight times. Just kidding.
Scene 5: A Homeland Security agent, who identifies himself as Agent Congo, shows up to Lucy's house and takes her to some room where a hammy-looking dude is pretending to sleep because he's kind of drunk. The guy actually played Liam in the recent 90210, which I used to watch religiously even though I hated every single character on the show - except for Liam! An older woman then shows up and praises Lucy for being an outstanding professor. An outstanding professor... who... can't... get... tenure... all righty, then.
The older woman shows a video of the bad-looking men stealing the white orb. This is when a bald black man, who apparently is some sort of hot-shot scientist named Mr. Mason, shows up and begins explaining how time can bend enough that it creates a loop. He shows an example of this by rolling up a piece of paper. The Eating Cereal with the Stars demographic is completely dumbfounded right now.
Apparently, the bad men stealing the white orb, which is explained to be a time machine, didn't do their homework because there's another time machine, a silver orb - explained by Mr. Mason to be an "earlier prototype," is available - and he wants a professor without tenure and Liam from 90210 to go back in time and stop the bad men!
OK, let's take a step back here and discuss everything that is wrong with this.
First of all, what qualifies some professor who can't get tenure to lead an expedition back into the 1930s? They never explain why they choose her, outside of saying that "you know history." They're just impressed with her for some unknown reason. Again, she can't even get f***ing tenure, and she only has a job because of her mom!
Second, why only send three people back - they decide Rufus should join for some reason - when a group of armed men have to be stopped? How are a professor who makes corny jokes, some creeper, and an alcoholic supposed to stop time terrorists? Sure, this Liam guy is in the army, but why not send back multiple trained officers? How can this possibly succeed?
Third, Mr. Mason discusses the perils of what the bad men just did. "If they kill someone, who aren't supposed to die, they don't have the kids they're supposed to, and they don't do the things they're supposed to. Things change. Reality changes."
Except, reality didn't change. The time terrorists already went back into 1937, and yet no one notices any differences. That means one of two things: One, the time terrorists didn't succeed in their plans, or two, Lucy, Liam and Rufus are somehow successful in stopping the time terrorists and making sure absolutely nothing was changed. The thing is, the time terrorists and/or Lucy, Rufus and Liam already changed things, meaning the reality they're in right now is the one that has always happened, since they've always gone back to 1937.
This actually makes Mr. Mason brilliant, but also a complete a**hole. He knows by sending these three idiots back into 1937, he's fulfilling his destiny and making sure everything goes according to plan, but he could easily be sending them to their deaths.
The other possibility is that the version of the present that the time terrorists impact is in a parallel universe which was created as a result of their time travel, but if that were the case, Mr. Mason wouldn't have to worry about it because they wouldn't be affecting his universe.
Does any of this make sense? If not, I can discuss how stupid it was that Steve f***ing Urkel beat a proven killer in a cereal-eating contest. I mean, seriously, how the hell does that happen, and where are the time terrorists to make sure something like that never happened!?
Scene 6: Rufus talks to Mr. Mason, who wants to send him back. Rufus makes the greatest point ever: "I'm black. There's no place for me in American history." This is true. And yet, Mr. Mason doesn't care. Like I said, he's an a**hole willing to sacrifice three people to preserve the timeline, which might not even need to be preserved. But because nothing has changed, he could literally send a Dalmatian, an otter and a pig wearing a sweater back in time, and it would work because the course of history hasn't changed. In fact, he could just say "f*** it" and not do anything.
Scene 7: Lucy complains about her garments, which are conveniently there within seconds. "This skirt is from the 40s, and this bra is all wrong." So... why do they have a skirt from the 40s just available in this military compound? Liam, meanwhile, says, "No one's going to see your bra." Gee, I wonder if we're going to hear about Chekhov's bra again at some point...
Scene 8: Lucy, Liam and Rufus enter the silver orb and arrive back in 1937. They board a bus, and once they get off, Rufus sarcastically says, "The back of the bus was amazing." No one acknowledges this. Instead, Lucy looks around and says, "Wow."
Scene 9: After a throw-away scene at a bar where Liam hits on a woman who's about to die in the Hindenburg crash, the three heroes arrive at the Hindenburg site. A policeman questions them, but Lucy is clever and identifies them as Nurse Jackie and Dr. Dre from General Hospital. This gets them out of trouble somehow, even though she could've easily said Nurse Mary and Dr. Tupac from University Hospital. Except that General Hospital actually should've been an actual place. What if this cop were familiar with all the hospitals in the area and called her out on "General Hospital?"
Scene 10: Liam tries to save the woman from the bar - she's a news reporter - except Hindenburg doesn't crash. Dun dunn DUNNNN!!!
Scene 11: Lucy, Liam and Rufus figure out that the time terrorists saved the Hindenburg because they want important government officials to die in a subsequent crash. Again, it ultimately doesn't matter because these officials weren't dead before they traveled back to 1937, so they never perished in the first place.
The three heroes are arrested by the cop, who finally realized that General Hospital wasn't a real thing. The police put Rufus into his own cage and have Lucy and Liam share a cell. Liam's able to whisper to Lucy that they can escape using her bra underwiring - seriously - and Liam's able to use it as a lockpick while Rufus distracts the cops by calling them out on their racism. They're about to beat him up - NBC finally gets the police brutality it coveted - but Liam escapes just in time and beats up the cops with his fists of fury.
Scene 12: It only takes them like five minutes, but they find the bomb in the Hindenburg. It's hidden in the kitchen in plain sight. I'm beginning to think that these time terrorists aren't very intelligent.
Scene 13: Liam attempts to disable the bomb when a time terrorist attacks him with a meat cleaver. I have no idea why he doesn't have a gun. Did he find this meat cleaver in the kitchen and think, Hey, this is better than the weapon I already had; I'll use this instead!?
Anyway, Liam's disables the bomb just in time, but someone shoots a gun. The bullet ricochets throughout the Hindenburg, prompting a severe explosion. It crashes, but everyone gets out just in time. The main time terrorist then confronts Lucy, telling her that he knows her name and what her deal is. He shows her a diary with her handwriting, citing, "You haven't written this yet, but you will."
"You aren't meant to be a teacher," he adds.
Uhh... clearly, dude, you haven't heard her killer jokes in the classroom.
Scene 14: A shootout ensues. The main time traveler is struck, but he manages to run away. The woman from the bar, unfortunately, gets hit by a bullet meant for Liam. She ends up dying anyway.
Scene 15: The three heroes return from their trip. Somehow, no one in 1937 managed to see their silver orb.
Mr. Mason reads that the Hindenburg crashed in 1937, and the only casualties were a blond woman and a man holding a meat cleaver. Clearly, history has changed, but Mr. Mason and his cronies don't notice the difference - only Lucy, Liam and Rufus do.
OK, so it's clear that this show is using the alternate-universe theory, where Lucy, Liam, Rufus and the time terrorists created an alternate timeline by using the white and silver orbs to travel back into the past. I can buy that, but again, why was everyone so concerned about this when their own timeline wouldn't be affected?
Actually, if you want to go down a dark path, by emerging into this new timeline, Lucy, Liam and Rufus all exiled their other selves from the space-time continuum into something called Darkness Beyond Time because their former selves because time bastards, given that two of the same object can't exist in the same universe. It's later pointed out that Lucy isn't wearing her engagement ring, which was shocking to her because the Lucy we met at the beginning wasn't engaged. This obviously means that a different version of Lucy existed in this timeline until the Lucy we know showed up in her silver orb and took her place, erasing the engaged Lucy from existence.
For simplicity's sake, let's look at this chart, where Timeline A is the one where the Hindenburg crashes and lots of people die, and Timeline B is the one where only two people die in the Hindenburg explosion:
Time Period: ********* Past ********* | ******** Episode 1 ******** | ************** Episode 2, Onward **************
Timeline A: Single Lucy exists | Single Lucy goes back in time | Hindenburg still explodes (per Scene 5)
Timeline B: Lucy gets engaged | Engaged Lucy unaware of events | Single Lucy appears, erases engaged Lucy
As you can see, Lucy, Liam and Rufus just committed triple homicide - killing (or rather, exiling from existence) their Timeline B selves! Pretty dark stuff, huh?
All of this is theory, but I'm using the rules this stupid show has provided for us. And I don't mind illogic, but again, how can the government justify sending a professor who can't hold tenure, a drunk, and a creepy dude back in time and hoping that they preserve alternate timelines? Ugh!!!
Scene 16: Lucy theorizes that Flynn, the main time terrorist, is trying to "kill America in the crib." I think this show is trying to kill my sanity in the crib. Yeah, I don't know what that means. My brain has turned into mush from watching this again.
Scene 17: The chick Rufus was staring creepily at approaches him and asks him what it was like. He coolly says, "I'll tell you over dinner."
This is a PSA for all you lonely guys out there: If you want to impress a girl you creepily stare at, get a job at a company where a dude is inventing orbs that go back in time, and somehow finagle your way into being a passenger in one of these time orbs despite being completely unqualified. Go back in time, risk getting beaten up by cops, and return unharmed, and you'll get her to do naughty things with your wang in no time!
Scene 18: Lucy returns home and once again calls out for Amy. To her surprise, her mother is cutting vegetables in the kitchen, looking completely healthy. Her mom then asks, "Who's Amy?"
Dun, dunn DUNNN!!!
OK, this show has been insanely stupid for the first 58 minutes, but it caught my attention at the end. How did the Hindenburg erase Amy from this timeline? Has cancer been completely cured by a descendant of someone who survived the Hindenburg? And with Lucy's mom healthy, can she finally secure tenure at the university so that she can make more students laugh at corny jokes?
I'll find out in next week's episode. That's right! I'm going to watch it. It'll probably be horrible, but I now have to find out the answers to these mysteries. In fact, I'm so interested that I no longer care whom O.J. Simpson will out-eat in the finals.