I have some exciting news for you. It's really going to blow your mind. No, really. I hope you're sitting down for this because here it goes:
The Blondtender raped me with a giant cucumber a couple of weekends ago.
OK, if you haven't passed out from utter shock and disbelief, this event was just one of many amusing things to transpire that particular weekend. I discussed my birthday party in my Jerk of the Year: Olympics entry. Well, this was the weekend prior to that one. And it all started with an order of cheese fries.
1. The Cheese Fry Thief:
I drank three beers prior to walking over to the bar, and I had already ordered two there. The guy bartender served me both times, but the Blondtender interacted with me this time. I gave her a $20 for a Bud Light bottle, and after coming back from the register, she angrily threw the $17 in my face.
I wasn't sure what to make of this at the time. I was pretty buzzed already, so I thought she may have been messing around. I then strolled over to the pool table to realize that my Asian friend Not Asian Guy ordered a big basket of cheese fries. Not Asian Guy told our friend Marlana to guard his cheese fries while he went to the bathroom. The following transpired while he was gone.
Cheese Fry Thief: Yum, cheese fries!
Marlana: You can't have those!
Cheese Fry Thief: What? Why not?
Marlana: They're not Not Asian Guy's cheese fries. He told me to guard them.
Cheese Fry Thief: Ha! We'll see about that.
Cheese Fry Thief pushed Marlana aside and grabbed the basket of cheese fries.
Cheese Fry Thief: NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
Marlana: Ugh. Well, do they at least taste good?
Cheese Fry Thief: NOM NOM N... meh, they're OK. I don't like the seasoning, but it's not like cheese fries can ever taste bad. NOM NOM NOM!!! br>
Well, if you haven't guessed, I'm the Cheese Fry Thief. Sorry, I just couldn't help it. I have a weakness for yummy food.
Suddenly, I saw Not Asian Guy exit the bathroom. I quickly put the basket of cheese fries back where it was earlier.
Me: Doo doo doo doo doo... hey, that was a quick bathroom break. Do you mind if I have some of your cheese fries?
Not Asian Guy: Umm... sure, though I'm pretty hungry. But you can have a few of th... hey, what the hell happened to my cheese fries?
Marlana: Sorry, I turned away for a second.
Me: Yeah, I don't know either. I did see someone suspicious leaving the bar just before you walked out of the bathroom, so maybe that was him. You should go after him. I'll watch your cheese fries while you're gone.
Not Asian Guy: Nah, that's OK.
Me: You should totally do it so you can demand some money from him. Don't worry, your cheese fries will be safe with me.
Not Asian Guy: Eh, it's not worth the trouble. Hey, what is that stain on your shirt?.
Ah, f***. I stuffed so many cheese fries into my mouth that a small glob of cheese sauce dripped onto my shirt. If I didn't act quickly, I'd be exposed as the Cheese Fry Thief.
Me: Umm... uhh... oh, that's nothing, I uhh... need to excuse myself.
I sprinted to the bathroom and washed the small cheese sauce glob off my shirt. Not Asian Guy must not have figured out what it was because he let me have some cheese fries when I returned. Phew. It's a good thing I'm so cunning.
2. Kissy Man:
I discussed Kissy Man in a recent Jerks of the Bar entry. If you're too lazy to click the link, Kissy Man is a guy in his late 50s who creepily blew kisses at a songstress performing at the bar one night. She was scared out of her mind, almost as if she thought he was going to rape her in the parking lot.
I had a brief conversation with Kissy Man this particular weekend. He asked Not Asian Guy to play pool with him and approached me as Not Asian Guy was racking the balls.
Kissy Man was even more disgusting up close. He had potholes on his face and his two front teeth were missing. He reached out to shake my hand and started talking.
Kissy Man: I'm 58 years old.
Me: Oh... cool?
Kissy Man: I'm livin' the dream, bud.
Me: Living the dream?
Kissy Man: I'm definitely goin' places!
Me: That's great.
Living the dream and going places? If "living the dream" and "going places" means blowing kisses at female singers and challenging guys in their 20s to a game of pool at a local bar, then this guy must have the best life ever.
Anyway, I would quickly discover that Kissy Man has severe mood swings because he turned from jovial to angry in seconds.
Kissy Man: I seen ya take dem cheese fry!
Kissy Man: You stole dem Asian man's cheese fry!
Me: Umm... no I didn't.
Kissy Man: I seen ya! I seen ya take dem cheese fry!
Me: I swear!
Kissy Man: How ya goin' steal the cheese fry like that? Yer ain't goin' no places.
Did Kissy Man just scold me? Realizing I reached a new low, I walked away and sulked against the wall as I drank my beer. I flipped open my phone to text my girlfriend, Awesome Girl Who Loves Football. And that's when it occurred...
3. Papa Blondtender:
I looked up from my phone to see that the Blondtender was quickly storming toward me. I didn't think anything of it - a hallway to a mysterious back area was located near the wall I was leaning on - but that's when I noticed that she was carrying something green and very long.
Me: What's that?
Blondtender: A giant cucumber that I'm going to rape you with!
The Blondtender forcefully rammed the giant cucumber into my buttocks.
Me: Oww! What the hell!?
Blondtender: Take that! You like being raped by a hot girl? Well, take some more!
The Blondtender maliciously kept trying to shove the cucumber up my anus. I know I've said that it's one of my life goals to be raped by a hot chick, but this wasn't what I had in mind. I covered up my butt with my hands, hoping that she'd give up, but the Blondtender was surprisingly crafty with her cucumber. She still somehow managed to thrust her cucumber into my a**hole.
After a few minutes, the Blondtender finally relented. She walked back behind the bar and everyone was laughing at me. It was a horrifying experience; not only was I completely embarrassed, but my a** hurt a good deal.
I went over to the bar and sat down next to my friends Glimmer and Ginger. The Blondtender approached us and I cowered in fear, but she apparently calmed down.
The Blondtender: You got me in a lot of trouble.
Me: Me? What did I do?
The Blondtender: My dad Googled this bar name and found Jerks of the Week. He then called me, at the beginning of one of my long shifts, and asked, "You know one of your customers is obsessed with you? You gave him a free drink and now he thinks you're in love with him."
I was in disbelief. As the Blondtender walked away, I discussed this with Glimmer and Ginger.
Me: Can you believe this? So I had to be anally assaulted with a cucumber because Blondtender's dad has no sense of humor and doesn't understand sarcasm?
Glimmer: Yeah, it makes it worse because he's Jewish too.
Me: Jewish? What does that have to do with anything?
Ginger: Oh yeah, now I see why he was so mad.
I'm still at a loss here. Is it OK to jokingly wish some hot Christian chick would rape you, but a huge taboo to say the same thing about a Jewish girl? Is that why all of the countries in the Middle East want to destroy Israel? Do they want to freely make jokes about Jewish girls raping them without being scrutinized? Is that what all of the fighting is about?
A few minutes later, the Blondtender came back and asked me to rate the cucumber raping.
Me: I'll give it a 9.5 out of 10.
The Blondtender: Aww, not a 10 out of 10?
Glimmer: He'll give you a 10 out of 10 if you do it topless!
Topless? In that case, bring on the cucumber penetration! In fact, give her two cucumbers if that's what she wants.
Oh, and Papa Blondtender, if you're reading this, I'm still not being serious.
4. Super Drunk Body Burner:
My friend and forum member Injured Reserve had a housewarming party the following night. Body Burner and I drove over together.
We set up beer pong after everyone ate. Injured Reserve then came up with a great idea - why not play four-team beer pong? We came up with the rules almost instantly. If Team A is on one corner of the table and Team B is stationed on the other corner of the same side, they're essentially aligned. They can both target Teams C and D, who are on the opposite side.
The strategy behind this is to combine to knock out one team first. The shooting order, assuming Team A or B won the faceoff, would be Team A then C then B then D. If Teams A and B knock out C, for example, Teams A and B each go twice before Team D does, so Team D is essentially screwed.
I take beer pong very seriously, so I kept track of all the shots. Body Burner and I, who were on the same team, sunk the most shots. Unfortunately, we lost both games because the teams across the table must have seen us as the biggest threat, so they tried to knock us out first.
Body Burner was getting pretty drunk throughout the games. I hit some clutch shots, so he started calling me "Big Dick Walt." As the night progressed, the nickname turned into a song: "Big Dick Walt! Big Dick Waaaaalt. His big dick parted the red sea, he's Big Dick Walt! Big Dick Waaaaalt!"
After those two games of four-team beer pong, we had a "21 versus 1" challenge. Injured Reserve and his friend Tyler shot at 21 cups while Body Burner and I had to toss the ball into a glass pitcher of vodka on another table across the patio. Body Burner and I hit the lid of the pitcher several times, but the ball just clinked out. We lost, so we swapped sides. I had a feeling we were going to lose, however, because Injured Reserve realized that he'd have a better chance of getting the ball into the pitcher by throwing it underhanded. It took him several tries, but he succeeded when Body Burner and I had eight cups of his and Tyler's remaining. Since we lost the challenge, we had to drink the pitcher of vodka.
I drove, so I only had a little bit of it. Body Burner, however, chugged most of it. As he did this, his singing continued: "Big Dick Walt! Big Dick Waaaalt! His dick is so big that he has a third leg! His dick cured cancer and other diseases, he's Big Dick Walt! Big dick Waaaalt!"
Body Burner was so out of it after that. I've seen him drunk before, but never this bad. He kept singing nonsensical lyrics and spit up some of the vodka on Injured Reserve's patio. All of us then went inside. We played a drinking game, which Body Burner struggled through, and then he excused himself to the bathroom. We figured he went to puke, but he was gone for a good 20 minutes when we started getting concerned.
As Tyler went to check on Body Burner, we realized that Body Burner left his phone behind. He was trying to send the following text to his girlfriend, who was down the shore at the time:
M. Q the car drove the message about you but it was a little drunk though I am the winner c
Tyler came downstairs to notify us that Body Burner passed out in the bathroom. He then carried Body Burner's cell phone up to him. Body Burner must have awakened later as we were watching TV because he sent Injured Reserve the following texts:
Big dick Walt
His dick stretches 6 feet l
Only god's dick is longer
BIG DICK WALT
His dick once cured world hunger
BIG DICK WALT!!
His dick split the red sea
BIG DICK WALT!!!
His dick is a registered weapon of mass destruction.
BIG DICK WALT!!!
(tell Goldy his piss stream is impressive)
Goldy, another of Injured Reserve's friends, took a piss next to Body Burner, who was still on the floor of that bathroom. Body Burner must have been impressed by Goldy's urination speed.
If above average dick John and immense girth Dave win the presidency will big dick Walt be our secretary of sexiness?
Above average dick John!!!
His dick ran for governor of South Carolina and Won
Above average dick John!!
Took the sats and scored a 1580
A 1580? That would have been an awesome score back in my day when it was out of 1600. Now, a 1580 isn't very good.
I forgot to ask Body Burner what Big Dick Walt achieved on his SATs. I imagine at least a 2300. If I can part the Red Sea and cure cancer with my giant wang, then I can at least get a near-perfect score on some stupid test.