JERK OF THE WEEK: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
What do Chris Christie, Clorox and I have in common? Both Christie and I are rotund gentlemen, but Clorox is obviously not. Christie and Clorox begin with the letter C, but I don't. Clorox and I happen to be clean, but Christie is a dirty, dirty politician.
The answer is that all three have highly offended people last week. I never thought I'd find myself in the same category as the governor of New Jersey and bleach made by a company that has been around since 1913, but when it comes to Jerks of the Week, anything is possible.
Of course, I don't need to tell you about Christie. If you didn't see the Cowboys-Lions game, Christie, wearing a red parachute, was bouncing up and down in owner Jerry Jones' luxury box amid the excitement of the Cowboys' comeback win. When Dallas sealed the victory, Christie's belly flab jiggled everywhere as he embraced Jones and some other weirdo hanging out with the Dallas owner.
Except Jones didn't want Christie there. It's true. I have evidence. I'm well aware that Jones said he wanted Christie with him in Lambeau for the divisional-round game against the Packers, but the video evidence says otherwise, if you look at it frame by frame.
First, let's set the scene. We open in Jerry's booth, where the owner is cheeing on a furious Dallas comeback...
Jones, the guy in the white shirt and tie, is pumping his fist. Christie, the obese man to Jones' left, is also clapping, perhaps because the servers just brought up a fresh tray of hot dogs. Meanwhile, the cabana boy cut in front of Jones to fetch the dirty towels, which Christie used to dry all of the sweat off. Jones may love having the cabana boy around in normal instances, but the cabana boy will undoubtedly be reprimanded for walking in front of Jones, and not behind him.
The scene ultimately develops into this...
Cowboys win! Cowboys win! Jerry loves Christie! Christie is excited that they brought up even more hot dogs! The owner's box is filled with love and joy, and everyone is so happy that the room may erupt into an all-male orgy!
However, looks can be deceiving. I can show you that Jones did not want Christie in his booth, so let's begin with the frame-by-frame slideshow...
The Cowboys just forced a fumble on Matthew Stafford - and they didn't fumble the ball back to the other team this time! Dallas wins! Dallas wins! Dallas wins!
Chris Christie is pumped. His favorite team just sealed the victory, and he won his bet with the pool boy that he could eat a dozen hot dogs in just 2.5 seconds. He responds by holding up his hands for not one, but two high-fives. A double high-fives - this truly is a momentous occasion!
Jerry Jones stares at his fat "friend." Will he honor the fatso with the double high-five? Let's find out...
Gimme a high-five, Jerry! Gimme a double high-five Jerry! We won, Jerry! And I ate a dozen hot dogs in 2.5 seconds, Jerry! Plus, this red parachute that I'm wearing looks great on me, Jerry! And now I'm going to get a double high-five from my bestest friend in the world, Mr. Jerry Jones! Put em there, Jerry!
Jones, who stared down Christie and his double high-five attempt, is turning the other way, however. There's no way Jones stiffed Christie on not just a regular high-five, but a double high-five, right!?
Wow. So, not only did Jerry Jones stiff the obese governor on not just one, but two high-fives; he turned his back on him and fist-bumped someone else!
Poor Chris Christie. His moment in the spotlight was ruined. His bestest friend in the whole wide world wouldn't even acknowledge him with a double high-five. Now, he has to put his arms around Jones and embrace him, pretending that that's what he was doing in the first place.
Jones apparently hates Christie's guts. No guy leaves a bro hanging like that - especially when said bro is attempting a double high-five. An ignored double high-five is almost like an act of war. I've seen guys less offended when they found out their best friend was sleeping with their girlfriend!
Jones is hugging the other guy - perhaps a cabana man? - yet Christie, who is feeling vulnerable after being stiffed on the double high-five, leans in for a hug.
Look at Jones' face. He actually looks repulsed that Christie is touching him. I can imagine what each of those men is thinking...
Cabana Man: I love Jerry Jones' warm embrace. He just looks so sexy when he's excited. I love his Botox-enhanced face. Can't wait to get him to myself later... maybe he'll wear those cowboy boots I love so much, tee hee.
Jerry Jones: All right, my Cowboys are just one step away from goin' to the Supa Bowl! And all it had to do was pay off the officials to make that one call in my favah. But I won't feel too bad bout that one; I was just preservin' Tony Romo's sanity. Now, I get to spend the night with my good ole' cabana man... oh no, why is this fat pig wearin' an ugly red parachute embracin' me when I'm havin' the time of my life?
Chris Christie: I love you, Jerry! Even though you didn't want to double high-five me, I still love you, Jerry! And I will love you all night long, Jerry! The cabana man too, Jerry! I'm just so h... OH MY GOD ARE THOSE MORE HOT DOGS AHHHHHHHHHH SO HAPPY AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
As you can see, there is video evidence that Jones does not want Christie hanging around. I'm sure Jones is only inviting Christie to games because he believes the governor will be the next president of the United States. You have to be nice to the prez, right?
Well, I'm sure as hell not voting for Christie. Any dude who is openly embarrassed like that on a stiffed high-five will not be respected by the other world leaders. I'm Republican, but if Christie runs, I'm voting libertarian, which I was thinking about doing anyway, given how much our government sucks.
Now, if Jones reciprocates on a Christie double high-five in the near future? Perhaps I'll change my mind.
I sent the Chris Christie pictures to my e-mail in the morning. I then went to the gym for a relaxing, mile-long swim. I had to take a piss when I walked into the building, and I figured I'd do so in the pool locker room. I was about to enter the toilet area when one of the janitors stopped me.
"YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE! F***ING ANIMALS!"
Huh? Were there animals loose in the bathroom? I asked this guy what he meant, and he explained himself.
"I CLOSED OFF THE BATHROOM! THE ANIMALS WHO BELONG TO THIS GYM PEE ON THE F***ING FLOOR! THEY PEE ON THE F***ING FLOOR EVERY DAY, AND I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO CLEAN IT UP!"
Wow. I mean, this guy is a janitor for a living, so I didn't feel too bad, but it kind of sucks that people just urinate on the floor. It's kind of ridiculous. What do those "animals" do, completely miss the urinal? How does that even happen? If this were a one-time incident, fine, but according to the janitor, this happens every day.
I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I've gone to this gym for the past 15 years, and I've written about jerks who go there for the previous five. I wasn't aware that any of them peed on the bathroom floor, but it all kind of makes sense.
I couldn't relieve myself at the moment, so I figured I'd just do it afterward. I swam a mile and then rested on the wall for a bit. However, the urge was so strong, and I just couldn't contain it any longer...
As I let it all out, I overheard a Russian woman yelling at the lifeguard. This is what their conversation sounded like...
Russian Woman: ZIS POOL HURT MY EYE! ZIS NOT GOOD ZAT MY EYE HURT!!!
Lifeguard: I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to do!
Russian Woman: ZIS POOL HAVE TOO MUCH CLOROX! TOO MUCH CLOROX!
Russian Woman: YOU CAN TURN OFF CLOROX? TURN OFF CLOROX! MAKE POOL HAVE NO CLOROX!
Lifeguard: By Clorox, do you mean chlorine?
Russian Woman: I NO KNOW VHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT! ZIS POOL HURT MY EYE! ZIS POOL HAVE TOO MUCH CLOROX!
I laughed, as the frustrated lifeguard looked like she wanted to end it all as the Russian woman berated her for something she had no control of. The confusion between Clorox and chlorine was hilarious. It'd be great if she went home and made herself a bubble bath with Clorox; that way, she wouldn't have to annoy anyone ever again.
However, I thought about it. Maybe she actually did mean Clorox. Perhaps the angry janitor was so pissed off about people urinating everywhere that he just decided to dump a whole bottle of Clorox into the pool.
With that in mind, maybe I shouldn't tell him that I took a piss in it.
I checked my phone while leaving the gym. I received a text from my friend Injured Reserve: "Have you seen Yahoo today?" he asked. I replied that I did not, and he shot me a link to a Web site called OutSports.com, which covers gay athletes. They asked the question, "Is this Michael Sam joke on WalterFootball.com funny or offensive?" and then linked to my site where I made a joke about Sam.
If you didn't see it, I made the joke on my NFL Power Rankings page. Here it is, in case you don't feel like clicking over:
It's a good thing the Packers had a week off. That allowed them to practice a technique that one of the defenders picked up from Michael Sam (thanks Nathan A.):
Safe to say that no heterosexual player wants to battle Green Bay in the postseason.
Really? That's offensive? I didn't say that Michael Sam sucks at football because he's gay. That would be offensive (and untrue). I didn't say that Michael Sam and other gays should burn at the stake. That would be offensive (and I don't believe that). I didn't say that I'd be afraid to play football with Michael Sam because he'd want to ram his wang into my backside in the showers. That would be offensive (and kind of stupid).
See, those things are offensive. Making a joke containing ZERO malice where I connected Sam and an NFL player accidentally pulling down someone else's pants is just humor. It may not be good humor - especially if you have no sense of it - but that's what it is, nonetheless.
According to the poll on OutSports.com, 28 percent thought it was offensive and that I should "leave Michael Sam alone!" Leave Sam alone? Why, what's he doing that's so important? He was out of the NFL this year, so if anything, I was doing him a favor by bringing him some attention. I've actually written that it's a disgrace that he's not at least on a practice squad. If he never came out of the closet, he would be on some team's practice squad right now. That is a fact, and it's an outrage that NFL teams are getting away with this.
But instead of focusing on that, all of the attention is on whether I'm offensive or not. Are you serious? Not that I mind being offensive. In fact, I thrive on being offensive. If I offend every single person with a joke and only make one person chuckle, I've done my job, as far as I'm concerned. But the thing is, I wasn't even trying to offend anyone with this joke! In fact, I'm offended that people find this offensive!
You know what? I don't think anyone is truly offended. Yes, I know 28 percent of people say they were offended, but I don't believe them. These 28 percent of people make up the portion of the population that just sits on social media and waits for the slightest thing to be offended at, and then they go off on a rant and rave about it as if intelligent people actually cared. These idiots are just trolls, and they are a blight on humanity. For example, check out what this one douche wrote:
Frass E. bones @frassebones 18m18 minutes ago: "@outsports @walterfootball Amateur and juvenile. I prefer my homophobic jokes to be more original than this."
More original than this? I am the first person to correlate this picture with Michael Sam! The first one! It doesn't get more original than that!
Frass E. Bones can go f*** himself. What kind of name is Frass E. Bones anyway? No wonder this guy sits on Twitter all day and just looks for things to be offended by. If my name were Frass E. Bones, I'd act the same way. I'd have no friends, so all of my time would be devoted to finding nonsense on Twitter to complain about.
Frass E. Bones and people of his ilk offend me. His name offends me, his tweet offends me, and his way of thinking offends me. In fact, I'm going to make a poll, in honor of Outsports.com:
Wow, so 100 percent say yes!? See? I knew all along that no one was offended.
And now I kind of wish I actually offended someone. Damn you, Frass E. Bones, for playing head games with me!